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Host NatNat Be invites experts and everyday people to share their personal journeys navigating anxiety, depression, trauma, and emotional challenges, then guide you through the healing practices that helped them transform.
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Your body can start bracing for conflict before a single word is spoken.
A tight chest. A clenched jaw. The urge to disappear. The thoughts that say, “Don’t go,” “Don’t say it,” or “You’re too much.”
In this episode, I explore what that internal conflict can feel like and what happens when we begin creating space for those feelings instead of immediately letting them decide what we do.
We also talk about silence and how quickly the mind can create a whole story when someone doesn’t respond. I share a recent experience that reminded me how differently two nervous systems can interpret the same moment, and why sometimes something as simple as “I need some time right now” can protect connection.
We get into avoidance, people pleasing, fear of being too sensitive, minimizing our needs, and the difference between discomfort and danger.
Because your needs don’t have to be convenient to be valid.
And having a need doesn’t mean somebody else has to meet it.
This is also where self-regulation becomes relational. It’s one thing to feel grounded by yourself. It’s another to stay connected to yourself when another nervous system is in the room.
Feelings are data. They’re not direction.
So what happens inside you when conflict appears?
And what are you committed to when it does?
If this conversation resonates, share it with someone who may need it, and remember to be kind to yourself.
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These past few weeks, I've really been engaging with conflict. And when I say conflict, I'm not talking about fighting. I don't mean yelling. I don't mean people sitting across from each other arguing. I'm speaking about the conflict within myself. The kind that starts when you know you may have to walk into a room where somebody doesn't like you. The kind that starts when somebody doesn't respond to your message. The kind that starts when you need something, yet you're afraid that saying it will make you look difficult, needy, or too sensitive. The kind where nothing even has happened yet. And your body is already preparing for it. Maybe your chest tightens, maybe your stomach drops, maybe your mind starts running. What do I do? What are they going to think of me? Maybe I shouldn't go. Maybe I'm making too much of this. And before we go any further, notice what just happened within you. Just talking about conflict can bring something up in people. So let's take a moment. Welcome
back to the Lift Oneself podcasts. I'm your host, Nat Nat. If it's safe for you to do so right now, I just want you to notice your breath. No need to change it. Just bring in your awareness to your breath. Deep inhale. Gentle exhale. And now notice your shoulders. Are they by your ears? Let them soften. Your jaw. Is it clenched? Unclench it. Your stomach is it tight? In your inhales, try to blow your belly up like a balloon and allow it to soften. Unclench. Unnot. Wherever you are in your breathing, I'll ask you to exhale. Now take a deep breath in through your nose and slowly let it out of your mouth. Again, deep inhale and breathe it out. Another breath in and let it all go. You don't need to solve anything right now. Just be here. Be open to listen. As
I was saying lately, I've been noticing how quickly my nervous system can have one experience while my values are asking something completely different in me. My anxiety can be saying, don't go, avoid it, protect yourself. Yet I have to come back and ask, what is my intention? Why am I showing up? What am I committed to? That question has been grounding me because I'm learning that feeling uncomfortable doesn't always mean unsafe. Being misunderstood is uncomfortable. Knowing somebody may not like you is uncomfortable. Walking into a room where there's tension is uncomfortable. Yet discomfort doesn't automatically mean I'm doing something wrong. And that has made me look differently at avoidance. Because sometimes what we call protecting our peace is really, I don't know how to tolerate what this is bringing up in me. And I've had to ask myself, what am I actually protecting myself from? The person, the situation, or the feelings happening inside me.
I recently had an interaction with somebody where we were texting and I sent a response and it was met with silence. Nothing. Now listen, you want to see how quickly my mind can write a whole Netflix series. Give it silence and immediately, oh, what did I say? Did I say too much? Maybe they're upset with me. Why aren't they answering? Fine. If they're not going to answer me, I'm not going to message them either. Anybody with me? Because silence leaves a lot of room for narration. So I noticed the stories coming up and I left it. I didn't chase. I didn't send. Hello, are you mad? What did I do? And I didn't go to the other extreme of fine, I'm done. Because that can be another protection. I'll reject you before you can reject me. The next morning I sent a simple message wishing them a good day. And later, this person explained that what I had said brought up fear for them. They had frozen. And I remembered thinking, wow, because I could have narrated that silence so differently. I could have taken it personally. I could have become offended. I could have pulled away. I could have responded to their nervous system with my nervous system. And now we have two people protecting themselves from something neither one of us has actually talked about. One person freezes, the other person interprets. One person thinks, I need space, the other person hears, you don't matter to me. And before you know it, we're no longer relating to the person. We're relating to the narration we've created about the person. Sit with that one for a moment. That interaction made me think about communication differently. Because I can understand freezing, I can understand needing space. Yet eventually, if we want connection, we need language. Sometimes that language is simply, I'm overwhelmed right now, I need some space, I don't know how to respond yet. That hurt me. Or even I'm frozen right now. I don't have words. That is still communication. And I know sometimes even just saying those words is a challenge. You don't need a perfectly regulated nervous system before you speak. You don't need the perfect words. Sometimes five words can protect a connection. I need some time right now. That's why it's important to practice it when you're regulated. That gives the other person context, and context is needed in our relationships. Now we're dealing with something real instead of asking two nervous systems to guess what silence means.
And I've been asking myself, what does healthy conflict actually look like? Because two human beings are going to have different needs, different histories, different boundaries, different expectations. Conflict is going to happen. The question is, what do we do when it arrives? Can I disagree with you without needing you to become wrong? Can you tell me that I hurt you without me immediately defending my character? Can somebody not like me and I still know who I am? That one is a big one. Can somebody misunderstand me without me spending three days trying to control their perception of me? That is what I've been practicing, and it is a challenge. I'm not sitting here pretending, oh, I'm regulated now. Look at me. No, not at all. The anxiety still comes, the thoughts still come. There are moments where my body is like, we should leave. Yet I'm proud of the maturity I can see developing. Because maturity doesn't mean the reaction disappears. For me, it's becoming more able to say, okay, this is what I'm feeling. What am I going to do with it? Instead of, this is what I'm feeling, so everybody else needs to behave differently so I don't have to feel it. That's a big difference. And I keep coming back to this. What is the commitment? If I came somewhere because I wanted to support somebody, can I anchor into that? If I'm having a difficult conversation because I value the relationship, can I remember that? Is somebody asked me for space? Can I tolerate the uncertainty without immediately making it about my worth? What is the commitment? Sometimes it's connection, sometimes it's honesty, dignity, a boundary. Sometimes the commitment is I will not abandon myself because someone else is uncomfortable with me. And sometimes it is I will not abandon somebody else simply because I am uncomfortable with myself. Those are two different things and both matter.
Avoidance can feel really good in the moment. That's why we do it. If I don't go, the anxiety goes down. If I don't answer, I don't have to have the conversation. If I don't tell you that you hurt me, I don't have to find out how you'll respond. I get temporary relief. And the nervous system says, see, that worked, yet did it? Or did I just teach myself I cannot tolerate conflict? And then our world gets smaller and we don't let ourselves be known. Sometimes we call it peace, yet sometimes it's disconnection. And sometimes the conflict is quieter. Sometimes it sounds like I don't want to bother them. It's not that big of a deal. I'll just deal with it. I don't want to seem needy. I don't want them to think I'm too sensitive. I don't want to be ridiculed for caring. And that can become another way we disappear. We start treating our needs like they need permission to exist. We minimize them before anybody else can ever respond. We tell ourselves their comfort matters more than my honesty. Their reaction matters more than me saying what is true for me. And sometimes we call that being easygoing. Yet underneath it may be fear. Fear of being too much, fear of being an inconvenience, fear that if we express a need, somebody might pull away. So we swallow it. We laugh something off that actually hurts. We say it's fine when it really isn't fine. We make ourselves smaller so nobody can accuse us of being too much. And then I'm not only asking, what do I need? I'm asking, will somebody judge me for needing it? That changes everything. Because if I've learned that being sensitive gets mocked, if I've learned that having needs makes me difficult, of course silence might feel safer. Yet being sensitive does not being incapable. Feeling deeply does not make your experience less valid. And saying something hurt you does not automatically mean the other person intended harm. You can say that landed hard for me, or you may not have meant it that way, yet it affected me. And then the other person gets to show you whether there is room for honesty in that relationship. Because if I have to pretend nothing affects me in order to belong, I'm not really being accepted. I'm performing safety. And that's different. Your need does not have to be convenient to be valid. And having the need does not mean the other person has to meet it. You are allowed to name what you need. They are allowed to tell you what they can or cannot offer. And then you have something real to work with.
That is a relationship. And I'm not talking about staying available to mistreatment. There are relationships we need to walk away from. There are times when boundaries need to become very firm. What I'm talking about is everyday human discomfort. The discomfort of saying I don't agree. The discomfort of hearing no, the discomfort of saying no, the discomfort of disappointing someone. I know I hate that feeling. Can your nervous system tolerate that feeling without immediately taking over the steering wheel? That is work. So I want you to think about your own life. Where does conflict make you disappear? Maybe you become silent, maybe you overexplain. Maybe you people please. Maybe you apologize even when you don't know what you're apologizing for. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, are you mad at me? Maybe you become angry because anger feels safer than saying, I'm hurt. Maybe you tell yourself, I don't care, when actually you care deeply. Maybe you need something and keep telling yourself, it's fine, I can handle it. Maybe you've become so used to not inconveniencing anybody that you don't even know what your needs are anymore. Just notice what does your body do when connection feels threatened? And then ask, what might communication look like here? Not perfect communication, honest communication. Maybe I'm afraid of this conversation, or I care about you and I disagree with you, or I need space, and this doesn't mean I'm disappearing. Maybe it's this seems small to you, yet it matters to me. Or simply I don't know what to say right now. That's still something. And this is where self-regulation becomes relational. It's one thing to feel grounded by yourself, it's something else to stay connected to yourself when another nervous system is in the room. Can you feel anxiety and still communicate? Can you feel hurt and not immediately attack? Can you feel misunderstood without collapsing into proving yourself? Can you recognize my body is activated right now? So maybe I shouldn't have a permanent decision from this temporary state. That's regulation too. That's where the practice gets real. So
if you've been avoiding something, I'm not telling you to run toward it. I'm inviting you to get curious. Ask yourself, what am I actually afraid will happen? And underneath that, what am I afraid? I will feel rejection, shame, being misunderstood, not belonging, disappointing somebody, being seen as too sensitive. And can you remind yourself while feeling any of or all of those things, a feeling is happening. I don't have to become the feeling. A big one that I use is feelings are data, they're not direction. You can be anxious and still choose, you can be afraid and still communicate, you can disagree and still care. You can have a need and still respect someone else's boundary. You can be sensitive and still be strong. And sometimes you may discover the story you were preparing yourself for never even happens. The thing your nervous system spent days rehearsing wasn't reality. It was trying to predict. And I think that's one of the gifts I've been receiving lately. Not that conflict disappeared, not that anxiety disappeared. I simply didn't let them make every decision for me. And that feels different.
So let's close with another breath. If it feels comfortable, place your hands somewhere on your body. Maybe your chest, your belly, your leg, maybe your other arm. Wherever feels grounding and soothing. Take a deep breath in through your nose and gently out of your mouth. Bringing your awareness to watching your breath go in and out. Maybe there's a relationship or situation coming to mind. You don't need to solve it right now. Just ask, what happens inside me when conflict appears? And then what am I committed to? Not what fear is committed to, not what protection is committed to. What are you committed to? And perhaps the next time conflict arrives, you pause, you notice, you breathe. And if communication is needed, maybe you find one honest sentence. That's enough to begin. Thank you for being here with me. Thank you for taking this time to explore yourself a little more deeply. And if you're interested in this work, you can go to my website, liftoneself.com. That's L I F T O N E S E L F dot C O M. And as always, remember to be kind to yourself because you matter.
