Embarking on a voyage into the heart of healing, Dana and I peel back the layers of stigma surrounding mental health, sharing a narrative rich with vulnerability and courage. As Dana recounts her journey of escaping the clutches of narcissistic abuse, we're reminded of the profound strength found in releasing shame and advocating for compassion. Her story not only serves as a beacon of hope but also as a powerful testament to the resilience of the human spirit, inviting us to consider the weight of the unhealed pain we may carry and the liberating path toward self-acceptance.
Navigating through the murky waters of past traumas, I reveal how personal upheavals have shaped my quest for self-worth and ignited a passion for fostering nurturing environments. The discussion blossoms into an exploration of the critical interplay between mind and body, and the significance of self-care in cultivating growth. As we examine the liberation that stems from cutting ties with toxicity, you'll discover why surrounding yourself with positive influences isn't just beneficial, but essential for blossoming into your full potential.
Wrapping up, we embrace the gentle power of kindness, both towards ourselves and others. Dana, through her gripping narrative and forthcoming book "Gasping for Air: The Stranglehold of Narcissistic Abuse," casts light on the dark corners of toxic relationships, offering sage advice for those struggling to find their way out. As you tune in, let this episode be a reminder of the shared human journey towards healing and the virtues of kindness and compassion that bind us all in our collective pursuit of well-being.
Learn more about Dana S. Diaz
http://www.DanaSDiaz.com
Remember, the strongest thing you can do for yourself is to ask for help.
Please help us grow by subscribing to and sharing the Lift OneSelf podcast with others.
The podcast's intention is to dissolve the stigmas around Mental Health and create spaces of healing.
I appreciate you, the listener, for tuning in and my guest for sharing.
Our website
Https://.LiftOneself.com
Find more conversations on our Social Media pages
www.facebook.com/liftoneself
www.instagram.com/liftoneself
Music by prazkhanal
Remember to be kind to yourself.
Embarking on a voyage into the heart of healing, Dana and I peel back the layers of stigma surrounding mental health, sharing a narrative rich with vulnerability and courage. As Dana recounts her journey of escaping the clutches of narcissistic abuse, we're reminded of the profound strength found in releasing shame and advocating for compassion. Her story not only serves as a beacon of hope but also as a powerful testament to the resilience of the human spirit, inviting us to consider the weight of the unhealed pain we may carry and the liberating path toward self-acceptance.
Navigating through the murky waters of past traumas, I reveal how personal upheavals have shaped my quest for self-worth and ignited a passion for fostering nurturing environments. The discussion blossoms into an exploration of the critical interplay between mind and body, and the significance of self-care in cultivating growth. As we examine the liberation that stems from cutting ties with toxicity, you'll discover why surrounding yourself with positive influences isn't just beneficial, but essential for blossoming into your full potential.
Wrapping up, we embrace the gentle power of kindness, both towards ourselves and others. Dana, through her gripping narrative and forthcoming book "Gasping for Air: The Stranglehold of Narcissistic Abuse," casts light on the dark corners of toxic relationships, offering sage advice for those struggling to find their way out. As you tune in, let this episode be a reminder of the shared human journey towards healing and the virtues of kindness and compassion that bind us all in our collective pursuit of well-being.
Learn more about Dana S. Diaz
http://www.DanaSDiaz.com
Remember, the strongest thing you can do for yourself is to ask for help.
Please help us grow by subscribing to and sharing the Lift OneSelf podcast with others.
The podcast's intention is to dissolve the stigmas around Mental Health and create spaces of healing.
I appreciate you, the listener, for tuning in and my guest for sharing.
Our website
Https://.LiftOneself.com
Find more conversations on our Social Media pages
www.facebook.com/liftoneself
www.instagram.com/liftoneself
Music by prazkhanal
Remember to be kind to yourself.
Welcome to the Lift One Self podcast, where we break mental health stigmas through conversations. I'm your host, nat Nat, and we dive into topics about trauma and how it impacts the nervous system. Yet we don't just leave you there. We share insights and tools of self-care, meditation and growth that help you be curious about your own biology. Your presence matters. Please like and subscribe to our podcast. Help our community grow. Let's get into this. Oh, and please remember to be kind to yourself.
Speaker 2:Welcome to the Lift One Self podcast. Dana, I am so thankful you're here with me.
Speaker 3:Thank you for having me. I'm so happy to be here.
Speaker 2:Let's take a breath together. I'm going to ask you to just close your eyes and, if the listeners can, if you can do close your eyes. If not, then just follow the prompts of breathing. I'm going to ask you to start breathing in and out through your nose and just bring your awareness to watching your breath go in and out. And whatever sensations or feelings that may be coming up in the body, let them come up.
Speaker 1:You're safe to feel, while still staying with your breath and dropping more into your body. Just staying with your breath some more. Now, when you're ready you're going to gently open your eyes while staying with your breath. How's?
Speaker 3:your heart doing, it feels calm.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we at times forget to take a moment to just breathe, focus on our breath, release whatever we are in, to check in with ourselves and just come into the moment for and come out of our head especially, yes, can you let the listeners know who Dana is?
Speaker 3:No, I always tell people, I'm just me. I'm not trying to present as some particular person or place a label on myself. I'm just a girl trying to get through this world like anybody else, and I'm. You know, unfortunately, I've had some repetitive lessons that I've endured through my life, but I feel like there's a reason for it and I'm living. That authenticity right now is in. You know, I'm in my late 40s now, but I feel like it's important. Those lessons were brought to me, those experiences were brought to me particularly to feel and to express and to share so that others don't have to experience the same kind of pain I did. So that's all that I like to be defined. As you know, I don't people say I'm an author, I'm a mom, I'm a wife. Yeah, I'm a lot of things, but at the end of the day I'm just me.
Speaker 2:See that, I see that. So could you share what those experiences are and what the message you have to share with people?
Speaker 3:Yeah, absolutely. It's a long story. There's a few books now that'll be released about it. But narcissistic abuse and I always tell people, take the narcissist out of it, take the abuse out of it. If there is a human being in this world or multiple, as Maya case has been that have intentionally caused you harm, that have intentionally caused you to doubt your existence and doubt your worth and doubt your you know deservingness of love, it is what it is and it's not nice and it's not how you anybody should want to make somebody feel. But unfortunately there's people in this world that that intend to do that to other humans and for the. For me, that was my mother, my stepfather, who raised me and I use that word loosely and then my ex-husband and more recently, unfortunately, a friend of 16 years. So the message I want people to hear is this have I been through it? Yes, have I struggled with depression, anxiety, ptsd. You know the multitude of things that have gone through my mind, including I don't want to be here on this earth anymore. I don't want to live my life? Yes, but I have stopped feeling shame about it. And I feel just so strongly about this idea of shame because people stigmatize us. You know there's this idea that, oh, she struggles with you know she's bipolar, or you know, oh, they come from this kind of a house or whatever it is. How about just treating other people like human beings? Because you know what? At the end of the day, I do not.
Speaker 3:I have released fortunately, I've come very far in the last few years, especially that I have released the burden of everybody else's unhealed trauma, because that is essentially what abuse is. I have had people that have decided that they are not responsible for their trauma. They are not taking accountability for the things that they feel. They are not acknowledging the fact that they have some issues that they could probably address to improve their mental health. Instead, they have put that on me. I have been everybody's scapegoat to take the blame and the shame and everything else and the you know the physical manifestations of their anger, and I'm done with it. And once I figured out that it was their unhealed trauma causing me my own, I released it.
Speaker 3:I released it so that I can feel good about myself because, you know, every human being comes into this world like a fresh slate and it just saddens me that. You know, I'm finishing up some revisions on a book about my childhood. And you know, did I have the worst childhood ever? No, did I. You know, have other people had horrific, horrific physical abuses that they've endured Absolutely, and I don't mean to minimize that, but to use words and behaviors you know manipulative tactics on a little girl and call yourself a parent when you are diminishing everything about that child, including her worthiness of existing in this world. That's disgusting to me, and so I am everybody else's cheerleader. Now I am standing up and saying you know what, maybe I wasn't meant to be here, maybe I am the accident and the mistake that I was referred to. But guess what, I'm here and I am making waves because I am allowed to do that and I'm a good human being and I don't want anyone else to feel the shame that they are probably feeling, even though they don't have to. You know, and we see this so often everywhere you turn, you know, like I will use.
Speaker 3:For example, today I had somebody that I ran into, you know socially, and she said oh, I saw your book at the library. They have it all on display, you know, local author or everything else. And I said I know, I said I'm very excited that it's there and there's been a wait to read it. And I shared with this person that I had somebody message me that lives locally, somebody I don't know, but she said I read your book, I got it from the library and it gave me the strength to leave. You know my abusive situation and that made me so happy. That made me so happy that she's freeing herself from those bounds. But the person that I shared that with today and people that have been through trauma and maybe speak about it freely like that, can understand this. The person I was speaking to you could see visibly was uncomfortable, like she was shifting and her eyes were just kind of darting everywhere but at me, and I don't understand why that makes people uncomfortable.
Speaker 3:You know, when you create, when there's this subject that people avoid, that immediately stigmatizes that topic with shame, like you should be ashamed. That's what I was getting from this person. You should be ashamed that you're talking about that. You're not supposed to talk about that. Well, guess what? We do need to talk about it because the reason these things go on behind closed doors and the reason why victims are not believed is because we don't talk about it, because it's not out in the open. So maybe we do need to open this discussion so that you know like, fortunately, I felt the vibe but I let it bounce off of me because I'm like no, I'm not taking that shame, I'm not doing it. I've done it too many times in the past. I've excused, enabled and tolerated for my multiple abusers, but I'm not ashamed anymore. They should be ashamed, but I'm not.
Speaker 2:Powerful message and great insight. It shows the work that you're doing, because shame is so insidious that a lot of us don't even realize we're putting that on. We're putting that on ourselves, by the way. We're interpreting other people's messages and forgetting like your message is the most important Not thinking that other people have like a pedestal and a better knowing than what your truth is. You said that you released the trauma of others. How did you go about that?
Speaker 3:You know, I think I will say this admittedly I am not a huge fan of talk therapy, but I also have a lung disease and it exhausts me to talk. And I, when I came out of my former marriage, I was with him for 25 years. I had entered into that relationship right after coming out of my childhood. So basically the first 45 years of my life I was going through multiple abuses by multiple people. And I just think that once I realized what was going on and it took me 45 years, once I realized what was going on it, my perspective shifted, because here was the thing. I mean, you are 100% correct about abuses and insidious. It's not like you know, chuck, he's walking down the street and I'm saying, hey, baby, and then he's taken me home and beaten me up. And I forgive me if I sound so flippant. I'm not meaning to minimize anybody's experience, but the reality is is that you're lured into. You know, in any situation you're courted, and then things start happening and they're just across that boundary. That it's unsettling, but it's not enough to be a deal breaker. So when they know they can get away with things every time something happens, it's just a little worse. I always tell people. It's kind of like gaining weight, like from here to 10 years ago. You're like, oh, how did I gain this 10 pounds? Well, because you don't notice the quarter pound here, and you know, you gain two, you lose five, you gain 10, you know it just comes and the next thing, you know, point A to point B, you're like, how did this happen? That's how it happens. But releasing the trauma started for me with just recognizing that wait a second, I'm affected. Yes, do I have things that I need to deal with? Oh, yes, very much so. However, you know, here's where I looked back at at where did this started? Because we all want to understand, and I think understanding what happened is essential for us to accept that it happened, because until you accept it, you can't really process it, and for me it was accepting that.
Speaker 3:Yes, my mother came from an abuse of childhood. She had an alcoholic father. She had a gun put to her head when she was a child. You know, terrible things happened. Stepfather, he was abandoned. He and his siblings like literally abandoned, left to fend for themselves at a, you know, young age, put it in the foster system, abused, I get it, but they still made a choice to do those same things to me when they had a child together. Because he had the right biology, they raised him like any mother and father should raise a child, with love and support and encouragement and all those warm and fuzzy things.
Speaker 3:I was denied that from the beginning Because my mother didn't want me. I was the accident and the mistake. And my stepfather wanted me even less because I was not biologically his and he was very, very verbal about how he felt about getting stuck having to pay for another man's child. So even though even as a child I knew that was wrong, I could see that my friends' parents weren't treating them that way. I could see that my grandmas were very loving, my uncles were very loving. They didn't treat me that way, it was only at home. So I knew it was wrong, morally wrong.
Speaker 3:But when you are living in that situation day in, day out sort of like brainwashing, I mean you internalize it whether you want to or not. No matter what your intellectual mind tells you, your heart is feeling a whole other thing and it's so hard Basically putting it all on me, letting me carry their shame for them, letting me carry that stigma. But once I set it down and released it. Boy, I could breathe again Because I had my own stuff to deal with after everything that happened. But dealing with it, it's kind of like I always tell people mental health. People have this idea that it's something so different than what it is. Just like physical health. You have to eat right and maybe take a walk, take a run, lift some weights, whatever you feel like you need to do to improve your physical health and maintain it. You have to do those same things for your mind. I mean even the meditation we started with.
Speaker 3:You know, I was always one of those people that people would say, oh, meditate, you'll feel better. And I was like, oh, that's hocus, pocus, crap. You know, breathing is it good? Guess what it is. When I got a lung disease and I realized how much I took breath for granted and I started meditating here and there and feeling like, oh, this is clearing my mind, this is giving me some focus and clear thoughts and clear understanding. And even coming into this podcast today, yeah, I was rushing around, rushing around. So when you said we were starting with the meditation, I was like, oh God, because I needed to be prepared and be focused, and so many times we rush around in life but we have to take time for our minds because the mind and body relation, that your mind and your heart are so connected and we have to take care of that. Even if you've never been abused or been through trauma, it just goes so far. It gives you so much clearer thought to take a second to have that improvement in your mental focus.
Speaker 2:How have you redefined your relationship with your self worth? Because obviously, you know, with childhood trauma and when we, you know, educate ourselves, there is a lie that is that we tell ourselves to be able to protect ourselves in the environment and so that, once you know, we're able to awake and face the pain and the trauma. It's looking at that old narrative, that lie that you told yourself, and then rebuilding the trust and coming back into your self worth. So what did that journey look like for you, dana?
Speaker 3:It's interesting because everything you've said is 100% accurate. You know, even when you don't want to believe it, you have people creating these narratives about who you are. They're telling you, they're telling other people. You know, I was hearing all growing up that I was so difficult and I'm like I've never smoked, I don't drink, I don't. I tried going to a party and took a cab home Like I was a good kid, I did everything right. Like what did I do? Yeah, I made some errors along the way, you know, but we all do, but nothing atrocious. And so I think it was just kind of realizing that because, I mean, even in my marriage, I was always the scapegoat and everything was my fault. And you know, like, when I hear other people now it's so clear to me now that I'm outside of the situation. I hear other people the apologizers I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. And even yesterday somebody said they're sorry and I'm like, listen to me, what are you sorry for? You're sorry, you're apologizing to me that something that's not even urgent isn't done because your husband and your son are sick and you had a heart doctor appointment, that, no, no, you are prioritizing what needs to be prioritized, you know, but unfortunately, when we are blamed for everything, when we are scapegoated for every terrible thing that happens in life, you know you do start to believe you're at fault. I was believing, even though I knew it was wrong. I believed I was difficult, I believed I was this, you know, mentally unstable child that was. My mother always said I was too emotional and so reactive and you're so sensitive. That was the big one. I was sensitive because I had a heart and she didn't, but I was the one that was sensitive, as if it was a bad thing. It was always an accusation and I think it was and it's terrible to say, but it took me being out of all of it again. At that point, at 45 years old, where I am no longer married to my former husband, I cut ties with my mother and stepfather, although it was more my mother's doing at that point.
Speaker 3:But being out of that toxicity, being out of that negative environment, I always tell people it's kind of like I refer to gardening Like if I'm a flower in a garden and all these weeds are overgrown around me. They're preventing the sun from hitting me, they're preventing the rain that's coming down from nourishing me. They're even, you know, invading my soil and taking away from me, sucking life away. That's how it felt. And once those weeds removed themselves, the sun was shining and I was being nourished and I was blooming. Why? Because I didn't have other people's opinions of me and other people's judgments and again going back to the shame that they were putting on me for the things they had been through. None of that was overshadowing I can't say it overshadowing my existence. So that was when I can bloom, and so I think it's really important.
Speaker 3:You know, they always say you are who you associate with. I always felt that, but I didn't really understand it until I lived it. Because, being out of that situation and now being very choosy about who's around me, I have people in my life who are positive, like I always joke that the people at church think that I'm a much better person than probably what I really am. If they knew the thoughts that go in my mind. But I love that because it challenges me to meet that expectation.
Speaker 3:You know, if you tell your kid every day like you know you're dumb, you're stupid, you'll never that's what I got when I was being raised Then they probably will never and they probably won't. And they, you know they will never achieve. They will be exactly what you expect them to be, which is a whole lot of nothing. But when you're around people who want more for you and think you can, you know you start to think you can too and you accept that challenge to meet those expectations. So you know, for me that's what was really important was just getting out of those toxic situations, because you know there's some term out there. I love cliches, I could just never remember all of them, but you know a flower can bloom going back to the gardening in like toxic soil or soil that's not nourishing it. So you know, just thinking about yourself in that term, you know that really makes a difference.
Speaker 2:What are the tools you use for your mental state and your mental health?
Speaker 3:I have a very simple one that has been like the magic few words for me in every situation, and all it is and I will explain how it started is just saying what do I want? Because that was the magic question I asked myself when my health started deteriorating at the end of my last marriage. It was eventually the motivating factor for me to get the divorce. I became autoimmune and I developed a lung disease. That's like having fibromyalgia and COPD, and it was a result of the chronic stress that I lived with. So asking myself, when the doctor said your body is shutting down and I had diminished to 93 pounds and had a backpack oxygen machine, you know he's like whatever it is, you got to change. And so I remember laying down that night and just saying what do I want? Because everything I mean. I had narcissists my whole life telling me, dictating to me everything, from what I could do for work, to where I could go, to how long I could be out, to who I could see, to what lipstick I could wear and what I could eat, and I mean the list goes on. There were so many rules. So I was like what do I want? And the thing is, everybody you can add. I challenge everyone to ask themselves that question Because if you do, you know what you want.
Speaker 3:For me, that question was about life. I wanted to go use my degree in journalism. I wanted to use my education in psychology to help victims of abuse. I wanted to travel. I wanted to be married really just not to the guy who was threatening my life minor details, but using that term since then, during my healing process, has helped me overcome things like the triggers, the PTSD, the anxiety. When I feel a panic attack coming on, I, you know, losing my breath and I'm sweating and my heart's racing.
Speaker 3:I learned to ask myself what do I want? What do I need? Right, because that's essentially what it is. You are, you're missing something. What do I need right now? I need to feel safe. How am I going to make myself feel safe? That's the next question.
Speaker 3:Okay, well, I'm remarried. If my husband wraps me up in his six, four 220 pound arms, then yeah, I'm going to feel safe. So I need to go find him and get that hug or, if he's not around, call him. Do I want a banana popsicle? Whatever it is, you know. Do I need soothing? Do I need? You know it sounds silly, but if I need to soothe myself, if I need to just have a minute and remove myself from the situation and just sit, you know, and just kind of. I'm a rocker, so I like rocking in the recliner, that's soothing. It sounds like silly, menial stuff, but I am telling you that, saying what do I want right now, right here, right now? It doesn't have to be about the big thing, it doesn't have to resolve anything. It just has to give you what you need and give yourself permission to give that to yourself.
Speaker 2:Because what you're explaining is methods to regulate your nervous system.
Speaker 3:Absolutely, and it's taken me three and a half years to regulate my nervous system after 45 years of abuse.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Do you think that the trauma that you experienced has an impact or created some of the illness that? You have in your body, oh it absolutely has.
Speaker 3:There is no doubt. Even with the doctors. They didn't know about my past, but it was cortisol, the stress hormone, that was causing all this havoc in my body. My white blood cells saw so much cortisol coming through my body that they thought they had to eradicate, like a cancer or a virus, that they ended up killing themselves off. So I was having there were about two dozen symptoms that were so random and unrelated that they were autoimmune reactions we discovered. But that was the scary thing was that it took. You know, I went to my family doctor first. Over a year I went to specialists. I had tests after tests after tests and everybody was just throwing their arms up. It ended up being, strangely, a neurologist, a sleep neurologist. That put together what I had.
Speaker 3:We had blood work done, sent to Mayo Clinic and Mayo Clinic said we need a cortisol test. So what that entails cortisol again is the stress hormone. They have you swab your mouth five times throughout a 24 hour period. So one of those times is even when you have to wake up in the middle of the night to do it, and they want to monitor your stress levels at different times of the day. Your stress levels, the cortisol levels, I should say, should always be between 100 and 600, up to 700 possibly in a stressful situation. Mine were so high they thought they compromised the labs. So they had me do a second test and my levels were over 2,540 at any given time, four times higher than what they should be at their highest level. And when I, you know, inform them that, yeah, I have.
Speaker 3:I'm going through a bit of a time in my marriage, and childhood wasn't happy. They realized that it was because I was living in fight or flight mode for decades that had caused me to become ill, and so it's hard for me when people say, oh, let it go, let it go. I can't let it go because I live with it every single day of my life. But here, going back to the toxicity, once I was done, three and a half years ago, removed myself from the people that had done these things to me. It's amazing because within, literally within a month or two, most of my symptoms dissipated completely.
Speaker 3:I've gained the weight back. I'm a normal, healthy weight. I don't have, you know, if I'm under a lot of stress I might get a headache or stomach ache or tension in my shoulders, but other than that I'm not getting all the other weird symptoms. I mean, I was blacking out when I was driving, I don't. I had to use no joke a backpack oxygen machine to keep my oxygen saturation level, you know, at a normal rate and it was still below what people were experiencing with COVID. So it was a struggle. It was causing a lot of problems for me.
Speaker 2:Thank you for sharing that, because you know, a lot of people may not speak about their childhood traumas or any traumas that go on, and there is some language out there, but there's more and more and that's why I created the podcast to create the language that trauma has a significant impact on illnesses and these auto-immunes of your immune system attacking itself.
Speaker 2:It's like, well, where is that coming from? And better understanding, like a lot of people think, trauma is the event and it's like, okay, well, replace trauma by energy. So they're stuck, energy that keeps building up and building up and ramping up your system and, as we know, cortisol or, if you educate yourself, cortisol your body can only take a certain amount. And if it's more than that and if you're not running all the time like running away from something and offloading that cortisol and the adrenaline, then it's just building up and then it's going to impact your systems in your body and there's going to be a dits ease and there's going to be miscommunication. And you know, especially when you get these illnesses where the medical professions are like we can't explain it, it's like, okay, well, are you even asking about trauma? Are you even asking about what this person's life is? And a lot of times they aren't doing that?
Speaker 3:Not one person did. And I was with two family doctors. I saw two neurologists, a gastroenterologist, a functional medicine doctor I mean I could make a list of how many doctors and hospitals. Not one person asked for trauma. Not one person asked about my life until I ended up, you know, sitting in front of a psychiatrist, thinking because everybody kept saying well, maybe it's anxiety, maybe it's stress, maybe you know, but nobody knew. And he's the one who eventually got me with the sleep neurologist who figured out what was going on. But it is very real and that's exactly what it is, like you said.
Speaker 3:And the undoing is almost worse. If you knew when I even though I felt better and wasn't having the symptoms once I was out of the situation I want to say it was about six months after I was out I'm safe, everything's fine. But I feel like my nervous system recognized like, oh, things are okay now. But then it kind of hit like I don't know if it was like a shock, but I mean I'd liken it. I've never taken drugs, but I liken it to somebody coming off of like heroin or crack, the nausea, the insomnia that the I couldn't even stand still. I mean I was like antsy and it lasted for the long. It was close to a year and I am just now in the last month or so, and it's been three and a half years able to even sleep through the night.
Speaker 3:And people don't understand it If you can't sleep.
Speaker 3:I mean there were nights that I was waking up, not just feeling like that fever and clammyness and that anxiety and my head pounding, but just crying because I was so deprived of sleep. But I was taking multiple sleep aids. I even took a prescription, one that I begged the doctor for. I couldn't sleep more than three hours, and when you are deprived of sleep, that's a whole other podcast of what that does to your body and what that feels like. So it's very real and it's very ugly to go through the healing process, but it's so essential because I will say, coming out the other side of it, I mean it's good now I don't take any prescription drugs despite my medical issues. I don't have to take sleep aids at night all the time, every once in a while, but I'm pretty healthy mentally and physically still working. I think mental health is something you're always going to work on, just as physical health, but definitely in a much better place, so it's definitely worth going through, but it's really nasty to go through.
Speaker 2:And to give the listener some verbiage of what Dana is explaining is that once you come out of that toxic situation and then there's safety, but safety doesn't feel safe because you probably were harmed when you were in stillness and enjoy.
Speaker 2:So your nervous system has a programming don't stay in here too long because it's not going to last. And so trying to reprogram your nervous system to accept this new definition of safety feels very threatening. So it's very visceral and it's trying to jump you out of this and go back into the state that it knows, which it's like well, that's counterintuitive, that's like illogical why would your system want to go back to what was toxic? And it's like well, that's what was home for it for so long and that's all it knew. So now that you're going into safety and you're creating a new home, there is a whole physical thing that you go through and it's exactly like you're saying, like an addict is going through detox and there is a plethora of things that you go through and it can be very difficult to explain this if people are not trauma informed and people are not aware what the nervous system has to go through.
Speaker 3:Yes, and I think this is a discussion people need to have and people need to be made aware of, particularly because what's so common in trauma situations domestic violence oh, she keeps going back to him. She keeps going back why People want reason. They want some tangible reason, but people are not acknowledging that sometimes your body chemistry is not preventing you from being apart from this person. This is exactly what a trauma bond is. You are apart from that person, you are apart from the toxicity and your body is going into havoc and you in your mind, not knowing all this, think, oh, I must miss him. I'm just, you know, I need to go back to be in peace. So I mean I can even speak to this because I kept going back, kept staying, kept staying, kept staying. This is why people stay in those situations. But even when I was out of it, you know I'm, I'm remarried, but even with my new husband I'll never forget. I mean he's so gentle and so calm and so what I need, and we go together just like two peas in a pod.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it was too good and I'm like I'm waiting for the bottom to drop out and I think my body was so addicted to that cortisol, that it was like oh, you got to stir some stuff up, lady. And I remember our first argument, and it wasn't even an argument. I was starting something up over a bottle of ketchup, it was something dumb over ketchup that wasn't even available. But I needed to cause conflict, I needed that cortisol rush. And God loved this man that he just put his hand on the wall and leaned there and grinned at me and when I was done having my little tantrum and trying to, you know, provoke something out of him, he just said are you done now, cause I want to go eat. And it made me laugh and thank God that I had somebody that kind of made me see what was going on.
Speaker 3:But I mean, there's still times every once in a while where I'll get that like ansiness, like we need cortisol, we need that rush Cause my body was addicted to it for so long. But it's a very real, very real thing that people think it's just your mind, like you should just see. Oh, I'm in a bad situation and I'm going to walk out, I'm going to leave, and people can put their opinion. Oh, if that was me, if I was well, you're not and you don't know because it's not your body and it's not your heart and mind. So, thank you, thank you for that. You know, understanding that, even because most people don't even people that are in the business of healing others from their trauma don't understand that connection.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that's the reason why I do the work that I do with Lyft oneself, cause I help clients better understand their nervous system, better understand their inner parts, and you know, it's really getting in relation to with new emotions that you were never able to experience, and then that's the whole thing to relate with and then really befriending your anger, really seeing that anger is healthy and finding out what it's trying to say to you and being able to channel it in a very positive way and not just allowing it to hijack you because you feel you're in a state of threat.
Speaker 2:So, if you know and it's warrior work that I call it a lot of and if, if it was all logic, the world would be much different. Yeah, absolutely so much different. And it takes willingness, because it is difficult to be able to face those parts, to be able to face those shadows and bring them into your light of awareness, and not everybody is willing to do that work because of whatever narration or whatever their programming is stopping them from from doing this. Thank you so much for being so vulnerable and sharing so much detail and I'm sure there's some listeners that are going to be able to hear their story and what you have said. I'm going to bring you into a reflective question.
Speaker 2:Okay, I'm going to ask you to bring your awareness right now and to bring it to your 18 year old self and have three words to tell your 18 year old self to carry you through the journey. What would they be?
Speaker 3:Well, they're four words, if that's okay, yeah, I can narrow them to three, it'll be okay. It'll be okay because I'm a firm believer and I know some people with will argue with me about you know you're where you're supposed to be and things happen for a reason, but I do firmly believe that and I don't think that there's anything. I mean, of course I wish there were things in my life that were very different, but I think that's all I needed. I didn't have a mother telling me I deserved better, because she didn't even know she deserved better. I didn't have a stepfather or a biological father to tell me that I was worth more than what I was giving myself. I didn't I have anybody in my corner telling me anything different than what I was hearing, which was that I was nothing and nobody and shouldn't even exist. So I just wish somebody would have said it'll be okay, because it is okay. I just needed to know that. Then it would have made things a little easier.
Speaker 2:I'm very thankful you're here, dana, and I see your worth and I'm very thankful that you were coming back into your worth, into your feeling of belonging, and that you deserve to have existence and be in your life force, because that is the work. Also, that people don't realize about traumas is the suicidal ideation and having to not listen to that narrator that will be filled with shame of wanting to cut off the pain. So what is the best way is just ending your life to come out of that sensation. So I'm very thankful you're still here and you are very worthy. And my take on there's a reason for everything.
Speaker 2:I don't truly believe in that fully. I think it's more for myself. It's the experiences that you have. You have a choice of what you're going to do with them. Yes, agreed, I agree with that. I agree with that and I'm sorry for what you went through. But that is what I mean when I say that, because I don't think it was a call to action. I think that's the reason. I don't think that you're going to have the same kind of relationship with someone who is not a part of your life.
Speaker 3:So I'm very thankful that you're here and I'm very grateful that you're here. I appreciate that. I appreciate that I mean when I say that, because I don't think it was a coincidence that I ended up naturally being gifted at writing and speaking and then enduring all this to finally come to who I was truly meant to be, which I always wanted to be, with somebody that spoke up for victims of abuse, and that is what I meant by that. But, yeah, absolutely. I don't think that anybody deserved what you went through or should have been in that situation. But just to, I always tell people it's that my experiences weren't for nothing because of what I'm doing now, and maybe that was a better way to put it. But I agree 100% with what you say and I appreciate you for the work you're doing, because I think it's important for people to understand all these connections. It's such a complex situation to be in and then to relate to somebody else, but I think having that understanding, like I said before, is key to healing from it, of course of, course.
Speaker 2:So can you tell the listeners the books and where to find you?
Speaker 3:Yeah, absolutely. Go to my website, danasdscom. The link for my first book is on there. It's called Gasping for Air the Stranglehold of Narcissistic Abuse. That one covers my former marriage. Later this year I will have, at the very least, the next book coming out, which is about my childhood, and then there will be a third book after that, probably early next year, that talks a little more about what we were speaking about today, like what came after 45 years of living with all that and how I came to actually have a healthy, loving marriage and relationship that I'm in now. So there's light at the end of the tunnel. And yeah, on my website you can click the links for Facebook and Instagram as well. I do post every day. We laugh, we cry, we complain, we vent, we share information, but all in all it's a safe community where we're all trying to learn and get through the world every day with what we're carrying inside our hearts.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I appreciate the light that you're bringing out into the world so others feel a sense of community and don't have to over-explain something or don't have to justify that. They can just feel like, oh, you get it, and just be able to have that exhale and in safety For a listener that's listening. That may be in a relationship where there's red flags of narcissism. What is something that you would give them as an offering, as word of advice?
Speaker 3:I always tell people listen to your gut. I can give you a list of things. You know qualities that narcissists have or you know things to watch out for. But the reality is we all have different tolerance levels. We all come from different cultures and ethnic backgrounds and have different ideas of roles and relationships. But listen to your gut, because if I had listened to my gut, I would have prevented myself from a lot of heartache. You know, I think that even if you can't put a finger on it, your gut is telling you something. Your gut is telling you that the other person is that unsettling feeling that is saying something isn't right here and it's okay not to have a reason. It's okay not to want to pursue a relationship with that person as a friend or a co-worker or a romantic partner or even a family member if the situation is going to be toxic for you.
Speaker 2:It's okay to walk away. Thank you so much for this enriching vulnerable and I really am thankful that you have accepted to be a guest on here and share your story and share your community with the listeners. So Dana's website and her link will be in the show notes so that you're being able to find her. And also I want to emphasize that if anybody is in any kind of relationship like this, or not even in a relationship just struggling with their mental state or mental health, the strongest thing you can do for yourself is ask for help. So be sure to reach out to where in your community. You can reach out to Dana, you can reach out to myself and find someone where you can start to do that introspection for yourself and you can feel a sense of safety.
Speaker 2:So thank you again, dana, for being a guest. Thank you, it's been my pleasure. Please remember to be kind to yourself. Hey, you made it all the way here. I appreciate you and your time. If you found value in this conversation, please share it out. If there was somebody that popped into your mind, take action and share it out with them. It possibly may not be them that will benefit.
Speaker 1:It's that they know somebody that will benefit from listening to this conversation, so please take action and share out the podcast.
Speaker 2:You can find us on social media, on Facebook, Instagram and TikTok under lift oneself, and if you want to inquire about the work that I do and the services that I provide to people, come over on my website, come into a discovery call liftoneselfcom.
Speaker 1:Until next time, please remember to be kind and gentle with yourself. You matter.