The Power of Mindful Parenting: Embracing Authenticity and Self-Care - Episode 111

Unlock the transformative power of mindfulness in parenting with Theresa Alexander Inman, a board-certified behaviour analyst and infant toddler developmental specialist. Theresa shares her inspiring journey of hosting her first in-person event, where attendees embraced vulnerability and authenticity, shedding their masks to reveal their true selves. We begin with a grounding meditation to set our intentions, highlighting the importance of creating safe spaces for genuine connections.

Discover how mindful parenting can turn challenging situations into empathy and positive interaction opportunities. Through engaging personal anecdotes, Teresa and I contrast our Caribbean upbringing's traditional discipline methods with the benefits of a mindful approach. We delve into practical strategies like "inner showers" through meditation, helping parents stay centred and respond thoughtfully rather than reactively, especially in educational settings and when dealing with behavioural issues in children.

Learn the significance of self-care routines for parents, from early morning meditations to nature walks and grounding activities. Teresa shares invaluable advice on how consistent mindfulness practices can create a supportive environment for both parent and child. Prioritizing self-regulation and kindness, we explore how parents can model positive behaviour, fostering a more peaceful and centred family dynamic. Don't miss out on Theresa's resources, including her website and podcast, "Parenting with Confidence," for further insights and support on this mindful parenting journey.

Connecting with Theressa here:
http://theresaalexanderinman.com

Remember, the strongest thing you can do for yourself is to ask for help.
Please help us grow by subscribing to and sharing the Lift OneSelf podcast with others.
The podcast intends to dissolve the stigmas around Mental Health and create healing spaces.
I appreciate you, the listener, for tuning in and my guest for sharing.

Our website
Https://.LiftOneself.com

Find more conversations on our Social Media pages
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Music by prazkhanal

Remember to be kind to yourself.

Always do your own research before taking action.

Remember, the strongest thing you can do for yourself is to ask for help.
Please help us grow by subscribing to and sharing the Lift OneSelf podcast with others.
The podcast intends to dissolve the stigmas around Mental Health and create healing spaces.
I appreciate you, the listener, for tuning in and my guest for sharing.

Our website
LiftOneself.com

Find more conversations on our Social Media pages
www.facebook.com/liftoneself
www.instagram.com/liftoneself

Music by prazkhanal

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Hi Teresa, how are you? I'm well. Thanks, nat. How are you?

Speaker 2: 0:04

I'm well. I'm well, I'm being playful. I had my first in-person event yesterday and the feedback and the way the women were afterwards was just very profound. So it's nice to have taken it offline and be in person and share that space. It was really really nice.

Speaker 1: 0:28

That is awesome. Yeah, there's nothing to replace an in-person event.

Speaker 2: 0:35

Yeah. So it was very profound and very beautiful and just feel the confidence of trusting myself. Why am I frozen?

Speaker 1: 0:44

Oh yeah, I was just gonna say Hang on, hang on, hang on.

Speaker 2: 0:49

I gotta reboot my phone.

Speaker 3: 0:51

Welcome to the Lift One Self podcast, where we break mental health stigmas through conversations. I'm your host, nat Nat, and we dive into topics about trauma and how it impacts the nervous system. Yet we don't just leave you there. We share insights and tools of self-care, meditation and growth that help you be curious about your own biology. Your presence matters. Please like and subscribe to our podcast. Help our community grow. Let's get into this. Oh, and please remember to be kind to yourself.

Speaker 2: 1:27

Welcome to the Lift One Self Podcast, Teresa. I am so looking forward to this playful conversation.

Speaker 1: 1:34

Thank you so much, Nat. I am excited. I'm excited to just to be in your presence once again.

Speaker 2: 1:44

Yeah, I was on your podcast and since then we've connected a few times to you know, have some conversations and share our personal experiences and find some tools and just hold space for each other. So I really appreciate when we can find new connections and just be honest and open with somebody else and you don't have to hide your naked truth.

Speaker 1: 2:09

Yes, and that is so freeing though, isn't it? Oh my goodness. It is awesome when you can be authentic and open and just be like you said.

Speaker 2: 2:18

You don't have to hide your naked truth, Because too often we go through this world masking make it true because too often we go through this world masking, we do, and and it's needed because you know there are some places and environments where you know your vulnerability, your sensitivity will get harmed, so you have to use some protection. It's just remembering. Okay, we'll take it off now. You don't have to be wearing that in every environment. So you know it's being able to ride the waves of life in the world and the environments that we have to shape, shift into sometimes. Will you join me in meditation so that we can ground ourselves in our breath and, you know, sink our hearts before this conversation, Absolutely.

Speaker 2: 3:12

And for the listeners. As you always hear me, most times you're listening to this podcast while driving or needing your visuals. So when I asked Teresa and myself to close our eyes, please don't do that. I want you to be safe and everyone around you to be safe, and the other prompts you're able to do in your every day. Yet if you're feeling too much relaxation, again safety please pause and just fast forward over to the conversation and when you have time to be in that relaxful state, come back to the meditation and give yourself a mindful moment.

Speaker 2: 3:43

We all need it throughout the day several times a day, so at least do it at least once when you listen to this podcast. So, teresa, I'll ask you to get comfortable in your seating and you're going to gently close your eyes and you're going to begin breathing in and out through your nose and you're going to bring your awareness to watching your breath go in and out through your nose. You're not going to try and control your breath. You're just going to be aware of it going through your nostrils, down into your throat, into your lungs, nostrils down into your throat, into your lungs, and then coming back out, keeping that awareness of watching the breath go in and out.

Speaker 2: 4:35

There may be some sensations or feelings coming up in the body, let them come up.

Speaker 3: 4:43

You're safe to feel.

Speaker 2: 4:47

You're safe to let go, surrender the need to control, release the need to resist and just be, be in your breath drop into your body, keeping your awareness on watching your breath go in and out.

Speaker 3: 5:13

There may be some thoughts or memories coming up.

Speaker 2: 5:19

It's fine, simply bring coming up.

Speaker 3: 5:24

It's fine, simply bring your awareness back to your breath and drop deeper into your body.

Speaker 2: 5:50

Staying with your breath. Now, teresa, I'm going to ask you, in your mind, to create an intention you want to bring forth in this conversation, for the listeners and for ourselves. And when you've created that intention, I'm going to ask you to release it in your mind allowing it to drop down into your nervous system, down your neck through your throat, through your throat down into your chest, filling your heart, filling your lungs, down into your abdomen, down into your stomach, into your life force, while still staying with your breath.

Speaker 3: 6:50

While still staying with your breath allowing that intention to surround your energy field and dropping deeper into your body.

Speaker 2: 7:05

Now, while staying with your breath deeper into your body Now, while staying with your breath at your own time and at your own pace. You're going to gently open your eyes while staying with your breath.

Speaker 3: 7:16

How is your heart doing? It's glowing.

Speaker 2: 7:22

Can you let the listeners know who Teresa is glowing.

Speaker 1: 7:26

Can you let the listeners know who Teresa is? I am a board certified behavior analyst, infant toddler developmental specialist. I am someone who believes in teaching through play and having fun with children and families, and all the while being where you are. Because it's so important that we are always where we are, because oftentimes we put ourselves in a space physically and mentally, emotionally we're not even connected to where we are. So I believe that's really important and through that I've seen such amazing changes with my families. When I incorporated mindfulness, the difference has just been incredible. I mean, they actually now call me the child whisperer, because when I can tune in, I've been able to tune in to the needs of not just the clients but their families, and you know we get such amazing results. And, yeah, so I do all of that through play. I written a book, so I'm an author of the book how can I help my child communicate, which has strategies to help parents teach their children and support their children's communication, communication, development.

Speaker 2: 8:47

So now you've been titled the child whisperer, yet I'm sure it wasn't always there. So could you let us know how the beginning and how you discovered mindfulness for yourself?

Speaker 1: 8:59

Oh gosh. So I worked with children at a school. I worked in the school district with children with behavioral problems Well, I don't like to use the word problem challenges and which meant you know, I mean I've got scars all over my body to show what it was like in that so being kicked and punched and slapped and spit on. There were days I was like lord, please, I do not want to go to jail, like, just help me, just be honest. Yeah, you know, I don't want to hurt this person's child, but after you've been bitten and then the child laughs, or kicked in the face or slapped, I mean I avoided about 90 percent of it. I was able to be fast enough. My reflexes were good enough that I could. However, when that 10% landed and it was hard to remember that these are children who are struggling, these are children who this like. For those children, that was communication. That was, even with all of my training. That was really difficult to really get to.

Speaker 1: 10:17

I started meditating and having a mindfulness practice and it got to the point that one day one of my colleagues and I were at a middle school and I had a lot more hair at the time and a young lady walked by and she literally yanked the hair out of my head and dropped it on the floor and walked on and I stood there. My colleague asked are you okay? I said yeah, I'm great, you know, and really I was. It was just I was in the moment and you know I understood that reacting was not going to be, not going to have the best outcome, so I just stayed. You know, when nobody was looking, I bent down, picked up my hair, put it in my pocket, stayed. When nobody was looking, I bent down, picked up my hair, put it in my pocket and that was it. And the next day I saw her and I was walking right past her. I was back again at that school, walking right past her, and she asked aren't you going to say hello? I said good morning, beautiful. And I kept walking. She kept kept walking and all of our interactions after that were positive.

Speaker 1: 11:28

It also garnered me a lot of sympathy from some of the young men who were you know, this was a school for challenging like, with a program for children with challenging behaviors, so you can imagine the words and the things. So you so the young men who were resistant and all of that they were so sympathetic and they came up to me and asked, miss, are you okay? And it was so great to be able to see them being empathetic, because that's something I'd never observed before. So, having them show empathy and just really, which really also changed our relationship, because they understood I wasn't there to do anything but to help them, because I could have pressed charges, I could have reacted in a way that would have embarrassed this young lady. There's so many things I could have done, however, and I attribute it to my mindfulness practice. Because of that and I attribute it to my mindfulness practice Because of that, I was able to just breathe through it, take a couple of deep breaths and just move on.

Speaker 1: 12:31

And, yeah, it's been an incredible journey. I mean, I could tell you so many stories. You know being a kindergartner. No, he was actually in grade one, almost my height, got on the floor, he was acting out and all that. So, just when I was about to step back, I got put to my face and I just stepped back and just again reminded myself this is a child struggling to communicate effectively and I'm here to hold space for him and be calm and understanding, while, of course yes, of course there are boundaries and, yes, of course you want to teach lessons. However, in that moment, it's not the time to teach a lesson, right? So because people are not, when the child was not in a place of mindfulness, so he wouldn't have received that message, no matter what I tried to do. So, just remaining calm so that we can co-regulate right, because he'll regulate when I'm calm, he'll sense that energy which will help him calm. So that was, yeah, so just a couple of experiences.

Speaker 2: 13:40

Yeah, that's some warrior work, especially coming from a Caribbean background. Many would be like what? You're being too passive and this child is unruly. And who is this picnic trying to do these kind of unruly behaviors? And they need to be disciplined in a certain way. Yet I see where you know, when you engage with mindfulness and you see the dynamic of that energy and you can step back from it. You get to see the kind of tug of war in the buildup of where that reactivity can go and get more and more and it's like okay, it feels you know charging to go get reactive, say something, defend yourself. In the end of it you have to ask well, what solutions came forth, what has changed?

Speaker 1: 14:34

Exactly yes.

Speaker 1: 14:36

Yes, and those that's exactly it, right, you know? I remember when I started my mindfulness practice, I um it was Dr Michael Beckwith who said you don't go out, you don't leave your house without a shower. Right, a meditation is like an inner shower. So why would you leave your house without that inner shower? And I tell you, since I've been taking those inner showers and I do them at least twice a day, I take my inner showers. Taking those inner showers, and I do them at least twice a day, I take my inner showers I've found that I've been able to really be me right, remember who I am, who remember the divine that God created me to be, instead of this reactive person like you said. You know that our Caribbean backgrounds are, yeah, cause if that was me doing that, I would have gotten what I gave and maybe some more.

Speaker 2: 15:37

because how dare you? In our human state, your body is reacting like your biology. You're not seeing a child and you're not looking at reasoning, like you explained it very well, to access the tools. You're not able to get that. In that moment when you've been harmed, your biology just goes defend. How do I change this? Yet the mindfulness holds a space for us not to be in that reaction.

Speaker 1: 16:01

It certainly does, yes, it does, and I think without that, lord knows where I would be today. I probably would not continue doing what I enjoy doing right, helping children through and educating parents as well to take care of themselves, through mindfulness first, because if you don't, then again you're going to be reactive and just being able to just take a pause between what the child does and how you react. Right, I want you to respond instead of just reacting. So it's really important to take that moment and they're like well, what if it is? Listen, if it's an emergency situation, goodness, do what you have to scream, yell, shout to get your child to not cross that street or not put themselves in that dangerous situation. That is absolutely appropriate. However, when you're always at that level, your child doesn't know when there's a true emergency because you're always reacting to everything and now you're not able to keep your child safe because they don't know when there is a true emergency.

Speaker 1: 17:19

I was in a training recently and after the training there was the question about the amygdala, which is the fight, fright, freeze area of our brain. It does a sloppy job of reacting when there's an emergency and I think that is because we put ourselves in emergency situations when there's really not a true emergency right. Your computer, you know the battery drains, or your phone's not working. That is not an emergency right, unless you have an emergency call to make. Right the fact that you can't play a game or something, or you know something's not happening fast enough right, because we're such in a microwave world that these and we try these quick fixes and when they don't work we become frustrated. Our children, they're noticing those moments as well, and they will imitate what they see you, the behaviors that they see you engage in.

Speaker 2: 18:23

And, like you said, those emergencies, to give a little bit more detail for somebody it's safety. So when our battery or technology are late for an appointment, we have been instilled with the programming that it needs to be perfect, it needs to run in a certain way to display a certain image of ourselves, and if we don't have that image, then it feels unsafe. So, like you said, like okay, the battery drained. It's like technology and it happens. Yet if you haven't taken a step to check in with yourself, that nervous system is going to make it an emergency because that feels like a threat and any threat feels like a death.

Speaker 1: 19:02

So that safety is a really important part any threat feels like a death, so that safety is a really important part. It certainly is, and your body gets so used to being on high alert that there's so many things that you miss with life. Right, the sunsets, the sunrises, the birds you know just the rich nature that we have been provided with. You know, a young man and children are so amazing. When they are regulated they can. They're just very observant. And a friend of mine once told me that he actually he was told this by his friend.

Speaker 1: 19:42

One day the friend and his son were out and, you know, just looking up at the sky, and the young man, who was about six years old, said Daddy, I didn't know God was an artist. And the dad says, yeah, like, and he said why? He said look at the sky, look at all the colors and how beautiful. And you know, we want children to be able to breathe into moments like that and observe them, because when they're heightened and often it's because you're heightened they're not able to embrace these moments and realize the true beauty that surrounds them, so that they can be their authentic selves. Because when they are heightened, when they're always in that mode where you know there's a crisis, there's an emergency. There's all this. They don't see the forest for the trees, as they say.

Speaker 2: 20:35

Yeah, I made it a practice with the twins to like, do a lot of forest walks and be in nature, because they had they still do, though a lot of energy when they were younger and they were very tethered to nature because, like, one of them will catch snakes or they'll catch frogs. And it took my regulation of like, oh, my gosh, like, okay, we're not bringing in the car though, but okay, you're going to catch these things. And you know, be curious. And I remember one time we were waiting for an appointment and one of the twins ran off and I live in Canada, so there was a big snow bank that he was trying to climb up to pass the time. And then he ran to me and he's like mommy, mommy, give me your phone, give me your phone. And I'm like, in my head I was like, why do you need my phone? And I'm like, okay, fine, here's my phone. And then he went and I see him, and then he comes back. And he comes and shows me the picture of the sun and how beautiful it was and what he was seeing.

Speaker 2: 21:32

And I couldn't see because of the way I was positioned in the parking lot, but he really wanted to capture the essence and, you know, if we allow ourselves, our children can bring us into that mindfulness practice that there's not so innuended with. I got this responsibility. I got that and being stuck in our head A lot of times. They're just in the now and they haven't been bombarded with having to make meaning of everything, so they just experience life, which they have been a profound teacher for me to be able to regulate my nervous system and come out of that reactivity. Yet, as any parent will know, our children can cause us to be very reactive and ignite our nervous system. For the listeners, can you give us a sneak peek of what your parenting has looked like with this mindfulness?

Speaker 1: 22:28

Yes, Did you hear me? Yes, yes. Now, I just wanted to because I want I pause, because I also want the listeners to be thinking about this question as well. Right, Because mindfulness is so. For me, it has been the foundation, right? My children are grown.

Speaker 1: 22:54

However, we had a foster child and the reason I ended up with the foster child, or we ended up with the foster child. I was called to a school one day because it was an emergency, an emergency, and when I got there, this young man was in an office and they actually allowed him to be in this office because, I mean to say he was wreaking havoc would be an understatement. There was water all over the place and then he squirted soap all over the place and there were papers and just everything, and he was climbing and running and jumping and doing all of those things, and only to find out that he there was a situation with his mom, so he needed to be removed, and so, anyway, later that day, I called my husband on my way home and I said you know, I recounted my day and I told him yeah, I met with the grandmother and I gave her my number in case she needed any advice or anything, because I could tell that. You know, I recounted my day and I told him yeah, I met with the grandmother and I gave her my number in case she needed any advice or anything, because I could tell that you know, it could be a handful, as they say. So right after what I was talking to him, the grandmother called me and said they were taking this young man into foster care, into foster care.

Speaker 1: 24:13

And jumping out of my mouth, before I had time to think, was can I take them? And I'm thinking, well, you're not a foster parent, but anyway. She said well, I'll talk to the, to the people like the, the investigator, and I'll let you know. So the investigator called and she asked are you willing to take him? I said, yeah, you know I'll take him, cause I knew that if we didn't, he probably would not have. He I don't know how long he'd be anywhere because of the magnitude of his behaviors.

Speaker 1: 24:48

So I he ended up being at our home later that day. My husband was like. He ended up being at our home later that day. My husband was like, and I said like, why did you say yes? He said well, you know, when you called and told me this, I just felt that this is what we needed to do, so his heart had said yes even before I called him to ask. Anyway, that week was one of the toughest weeks I ever had. I mean working with children such as him all day, every day, and then coming home to it and then having you know accounts from what happened at school that day was, to say the least, triggering. Yeah, there's no rest.

Speaker 2: 25:30

Exactly.

Speaker 1: 25:33

So that's when mindfulness became even more, um, more important. On the Sunday the first Sunday we had him I decided to take him to church. I'm like maybe an exorcist, exorcism or something. Well, I mean, honestly, I was thinking all kinds of things. So I took him to church and so I took him into the children's area. I left him and you know, he promised he was going to follow instructions and have all the fun. 15 minutes later I see a notification on my phone saying that he needs a parent in children's church. Phone saying that he needs a parent in children's church.

Speaker 1: 26:20

I went back there in the 15 minutes since I'd left him. He had run out of the building bit a staff member hit a student and just yeah, the list went up and I got in there and he was eating candy and I thought, sitting on the lap of the lady who he bit. I was like, well, I want you to understand that you're rewarding everything that he just did with this candy. And here you've got this huge bruise on your arm and yes, it's great to be forgiving. However, if children don't have boundaries, then life is going to be really rough on them. So I told him okay. I said you know what, I'm going to give you another chance. Because he didn't want to leave. So I said okay, we'll just sit here, and I sat with him. We tried some other things Goodness, he kept trying to kick and hit and you know, punch children. So I said we're leaving. Then, of course, I promise I'll be good. I don't want to leave. I picked him up and we left. So we're sitting in the car and, of course, child lock had to be on because he didn't want to leave. So he's sitting back there, would not put his seatbelt on. So I said well, we're not going to move until your seatbelt's on. Well, we're not going to move until your seatbelt's on.

Speaker 1: 27:39

In that time I was spit on, kicked, slapped, bitten. You know. At first I was about to say something and I thought well, you know better, because saying something will just keep you here longer. So I was able to use my mindfulness practice to remember right, to be where I was and remember what would really help him. So this went on for maybe half an hour, 45 minutes. However, it kept decreasing in intensity because he was not being reacted to.

Speaker 1: 28:10

And again, if I had not, I, if I had not, if I didn't have a mindfulness practice, I might've been detained because, you know, I mean, all of that was a lot, you know. So, um, yeah, so I just sat there and after, like I said, maybe half an hour 45 minutes, and after, like I said, maybe half an hour 45 minutes, he calmed down and said he was hungry and I just took it, I took the moment. I didn't respond to him because, yes, even though I was, you know, I can't say that I wasn't totally triggered, but I was able not to react to it. So I sat there and took a few moments to breathe, and, you know, be me. And so, which is why I didn't respond to him, because I did not, I didn't want to respond to him in a way that wasn't love, because understanding that this is his way of communicating, this is a history of learned behavior, and for me to react in the way that everybody else has reacted in the past wouldn't serve him.

Speaker 1: 29:21

So I took a few moments and I didn't respond, I just sat there. And then, you know, and he said I'm hungry. I said, well, we'll leave when you put your seatbelt on. And he put his seatbelt on and I got out of the parking lot and those behaviors were not repeated ever again because I was able to remain mindful way he'd learned to communicate. And for me to change his way of communication, I had to change the response to that. So it was a long road to a short.

Speaker 2: 30:07

No, but that's giving I. I thank you for the vulnerability and sharing those intimate moments that a lot of people and a lot of parents will see themselves. I see myself I've went through, you know. When I had the lesions in my brain, there was trauma, so the unsafety of the nervous system. A child is going to react with all kinds of animalistic behaviors to get that safety and trying to, you know, regulate themselves. And this is the only way that they know how to communicate.

Speaker 2: 30:41

And holding that space for yourself is very challenging because your mind's like let me say something, let me try to do that, and it's like, nope, just stay here, stay here. And in that, like you were just around people. So there's embarrassment that comes in that, there's frustration that, oh, I was here to enjoy myself, get a breather, cause this week has been long and I'm not even able to rest in all these different emotions and different dynamics that are coming on. And when you access the mindfulness, you can be with it all and not let it lure you out. Yet it's warrior work. And to go through that, what did your self-care look like for taking care of yourself where you know you're doing this all day long. You come home, it's still there, and weekends it's still there because you have this child here. So what did your self-care look like?

Speaker 1: 31:37

It meant me staying, you know, waking up a little earlier just to be mindful, just to prepare myself for my day, to make space for myself first, before I can embrace anybody else and serve them. I can embrace anybody else and serve them. So, yes, I would get up a little earlier so I could meditate and just take a relaxing shower and get ready before I got up to get him ready and yeah, and then get him to bed early so that I could again spend some time just being, because, you know, in a very short time he actually we didn't the behaviors at home decreased markedly because again, we were able to just approach him with the love and the understanding. School was still a challenge because of course, they you know they're how many other students and you know all the other things that they say and I mean I've seen. However, sometimes I just ask if you just do this one little thing, I promise things will change, but because it doesn't work immediately, people have a hard time implementing and nothing that lasts works immediately. So it may take a couple of hours. However, those will be well spent hours because it saves you so much on the backend, right, because my thing is you would take hours. Once the behavior has escalated, you're going to take those hours to manage them. Let's put a couple of hours of preventative measures in so that we can get there. So, excuse me, yeah, so and um also, we did a lot of nature walks, you know, and there was a lot of grounding, like take your shoes off and go run in the backyard, you know, and we trampolined, and we did all of those things to help regulate.

Speaker 1: 33:39

His favorite thing, though, was walking in the woods. We would do that. I would take him and the dogs, and I just let him run. I just say, as long as I can see you, you can run, and you know we do that, even at the dog park, which was fenced in. I just let them. Just, he and the dogs would just go off, and, you know, they would just spend energy and just be, and we'd have moments where I say, okay, we're not going to talk right now, we're going to listen. We're going to listen to the birds, and we're going to listen to the leaves, you know, as we step on them, and they crunch, and just, you know, just to be. Because I wanted him to develop mindfulness practice, and actually, at night, I would do that with him as well. I'd have him sleep two meditations and yeah, just to help him regulate medications, and yeah, just to help him regulate.

Speaker 2: 34:34

It's a lot of warrior work, a lot of warrior work. Now I'm going to bring you to right now. How do you teach the parents that have children with challenges to really double down on their self-care so that they can be that space for their children down?

Speaker 1: 34:54

on their self-care so that they can be that space for their children. So first of all, I wanted to thank you for a gift that you gave me that I've been using with my families because it helps, it gives them, it takes away the excuse that they don't have a meditation and they can't find the right meditation, and so what I've done is strongly recommended that they not get out of bed until they listen to this meditation. So it's funny because this one mom, she said to me she lay there. That was before I sent her the meditation. She said she you know cause I told her don't get out of bed until you've just spent at least 10 minutes with yourself, by yourself, for yourself. And she said she lay there and it felt like 10 minutes. So she jumped out of bed. The next morning she decided to time herself and what felt like 10 minutes was really only four minutes. So the meditation that you created for me is 10 minutes, which is so perfect. So I have them listen to that meditation. Say do not get out of bed until you listen to that meditation. Do not go to bed until you listen to that meditation. Let that be the last thing that you do at night and the first thing that you do in the morning, because those 20 minutes anchoring your day with those 10 minute video meditations are so powerful.

Speaker 1: 36:25

And this mom she told me she said because, again, it's new for her. So she said she went from one day and she's now at like. Then she went to three days. She's like girl. I jumped from one till three because it felt so good. That's beautiful, right, but she still had a little guilt of you know. So she says she's working up to five. However, I said, listen, I understand the fact that you were at three. I commend you. So having them do that.

Speaker 1: 36:54

And then two, when something happens that normally triggers them, I ask them to just put a space in between what their child does and how they respond. Take a breath, so just don't do anything. If you've got to bite your lip, bite your tongue, do something. Just take a deep breath and then you can, because that will separate what they did from your reaction.

Speaker 1: 37:25

Because studies have shown that what you do within three seconds of a behavior is going to strengthen it or weaken it. You do within three seconds of a behavior is going to strengthen it or weaken it. So if you can take those three seconds to breathe, then you're teaching your child to take some time, when they're feeling that way, to also breathe, and then their behaviors will change right. They will make that space for themselves, they will take that time and really help ground themselves, because it doesn't take long, it just taking those breaths will help, and then you're modeling for them how to respond, as opposed to react in a way that you know, respond in a way that serves them. Yeah, thank you for honoring me with the feedback.

Speaker 2: 38:13

And I'm thankful that I respond in a way that serves them and everybody else. Thank you for honoring me with the feedback and I'm thankful that I can show them a pathway within themselves and to regulate their nervous system, because that's basically what mindfulness and meditation does is when you have a regulated nervous system you're able to see the possibilities and be feeling safe within your body, where you don't have to jump out of yourself all the time or be busy with things because it just feels too overwhelming just to be in the moment, to be in the stillness. So it's a real honor that I get to share that presence with your families. I want to bring you into a reflective question. I want to ask you to bring your awareness right now and go back to your 18 year old self, and you have three words to tell your 18 year old self to carry you to the journey of right now. What would those three words be?

Speaker 1: 39:14

You are enough.

Speaker 2: 39:19

Are you willing to elaborate a little bit?

Speaker 1: 39:22

Yes, at 18,statement. I had none. I did not. I felt, you know, I wasn't pretty enough, smart enough, just not good enough, period. And you know, I was told by people who were supposed to love me that I would never amount to anything, so that really that changed the course of who I might have been. I think I allowed it to. I shouldn't say that I allowed it to because I believe that I wasn't enough and yeah, I just didn't feel it, I just I, you know, even though I was getting A's in school and I also had another. So I was told and again, it's just be careful what you say to your children. Please be careful what you say to your children, because I was told that I was going to be pregnant as a teen and beyond, you know, you know it well mother's allowance.

Speaker 2: 40:33

Yeah, that can be the system. Yeah, beyond, you know, you know it well mother's allowance.

Speaker 1: 40:38

So I was told, yes, I'd be pregnant at 18 and be on mother's allowance and all of that being metro housing and all those things. And and that's exactly what happened At 18, I was pregnant, had my first child and, um, yeah, later ended up in Metro housing, which is public housing, to you know, um, I think they call it section eight in the United States. Um, yeah, so that was it. So I, because I didn't believe I was enough, I didn't believe that I could do it, I actually. And then to try to counteract that, I started university and after a few months I was like, girl, you, like you, no, so I dropped out after a few months because I allowed that belief to just sink in and for me to really believe that I didn't have what it took to do that. So I learned to tell myself that I was enough. Actually, I wrote it on my mirror and left it there for a couple of years that I am enough and yeah, so today I am enough. Yeah, so today I am enough.

Speaker 1: 41:54

I have stopped judging myself. I've given myself grace. I have just understood that people operate from their hurt and that it's not personal. You know, my parents did the best they could, knowing what they knew and, you know, having what they had. I mean, I grew up middle class, so it's not like we were, you know, having what they had they were. I mean, I grew up middle class. It was not like we were, you know. But again, people had their pains and their you know their own histories and I forgave them and myself and, yeah, so I could realize who I was divinely made to be.

Speaker 2: 42:34

Yeah, so I could realize who I was divinely made to be. Just a little point you keep referring to that you allowed certain things. Yet how can you allow something when you didn't know? That is true. I do understand the accountability of power of choice and taking that power, yet accountability isn't about blame, and so it's, you know, recognizing that if the nervous system is feeling that this is the way of safety system is feeling that this is the way of safety of we have to diminish and we have to dim ourselves, then it's all in a sense of protection. And people primed you with this messaging and you got to see how intelligent. Well, I believe that they know better than me and I don't think that they would want to harm me, so they're trying to lay out a path for me that I think is possible, yet I don't even know that I can go within myself and listen to my own path, and that takes its own journey.

Speaker 1: 43:42

Yes, it does, yes, it does. And, um, and when we know better than we do, better, right, Because, as I learned, I, you know, empowered myself and, in turn, my children to you know, just be who they are. You know, I had a conversation with my son yesterday, who has been through some challenges in life, and we were talking yesterday about the fact that my older son, the artist who created these paintings he has transitioned and my younger son, lee, and I were talking so this is Dre created the paintings. I just want to. You know, dre's amazing.

Speaker 1: 44:24

And so Lee and I were talking about the fact that you know Dre would always tell him you know, lee, you're a king, you don't understand how amazing you are, and this and that. And he would tell me things. And I'm like you know what Dre probably left because he was so frustrated with us for not listening that he was like you know what? You guys need to figure it out yourselves. Yeah, and we have, you know, no-transcript. And like man, now that we finally get it, it'd be really cool if Dre was here to you know, either laugh at us or tell us something, but you know what I feel he's laughing anyway feel he's laughing.

Speaker 2: 45:39

Anyway, I just want to hold space for Dre and allow that energy you know and feel that, because that is a huge part of your mindfulness and being able to hold that and allow yourself to hold that presence also, it's remarkable, it's really remarkable of seeing the alchemy that you've done in your life Not at all, not at all Easy. I know many people are like okay, where can I find Teresa? So can you let the audience and the listeners know where they can locate you?

Speaker 1: 46:20

Yeah, my website is Teresa T-H-E-R-E-S-A, so it's spelled like there's a Alexander Inmancom and Inman is just the words in and man together. I've written a book. How could I help my child? How can I help my child communicate? I'm changing that, though, because I don't like the title. I was in love with it and I'm not anymore. So anyway, it's on Amazon and or wherever you find your books is on digital and in print, and my podcast is Parenting with Confidence.

Speaker 2: 46:56

So for the listeners, all of that will be in the show notes and at any time in this conversation. If you felt a nudge or a tug and you were like I really want to get in contact or I have something to ask, teresa, please reach out to her. Even you know, whatever the question is, as you heard in this conversation, she's very open and very receptive and she's, you know, walked her talk. That she's speaking it's not just in theory or in concept, she's actually has the lived experience. So she understands the difficulties and the frustrations and the emotions that you have to traverse through. Yet she's lived experience and she's that beacon of light that can help you traverse down the journey in your own path and in your own life. So I appreciate all that you're doing, teresa. The magnitude is admirable. Are you willing to share what your intention was with the meditation at the beginning?

Speaker 1: 48:01

You know my intention. Honestly, I um, I wanted to. My intention was to allow parents to understand that they're not alone and that they too can you know, they, they can overcome, they are enough.

Speaker 2: 48:24

I appreciate that, just really holding space for Dre, I really am. I really am. I am Because I know many parents will also relate to that and just the way you work, where you are choosing joy which some days it can be very challenging and still bringing him into the conversation. So I'm so delighted that he's in this energy field and in this conversation and still, you know, sending the nudges and the playfulness and the delight. Yeah, I'm very honored with that imprint. So thank you so much, teresa, for that. Is there anything that you would like to leave the listeners?

Speaker 1: 49:17

I want to you know said it with respect to you, know, my parents that just understand that you're doing the best you can with what you know and what you have, and to not judge yourselves. Do not allow others to judge you. And taking a couple of deep breaths can actually change your life. It can really change your life because it's the difference between you reacting in a way that can cause a situation to explode or cause you to implode and having that situation serve you, having you find a lesson in that, having you find a way to effectively communicate with your child. That's the difference and it is amazing. And you, just if you just take those couple of moments to breathe just deeply into your belly, it's going to save you hours of stress on the other side.

Speaker 2: 50:26

Thank you for that reminder and a lot of reminders for myself to implement on the journey of parenting, because I'm in the teen stage so that can be very it's very challenging at certain points. Yet it's remembering about that reactivity and I have to regulate my nervous system so that it gives a grounding surrounding. It gives a grounding surrounding and, as much as we can do it with strangers and other people, when it comes to our direct family and our children, it's a different way to interact with that and being subjective and you know, facing parts of your old self where you're like I no longer want to be in that part. You want to be in your future self and be in the present right now. So again, like I said, it has been a delight to always be in these playful deep dives with you and the alchemy, the taking the impurities and turning them into gold, and not just keeping the gold for yourself. You're sharing it with others. So I thank you for doing that, teresa, and holding space for so many parents so that they can see what's possible.

Speaker 1: 51:40

My absolute pleasure and, nat, you're always a joy to be with and you know your energy. Oh my God, I am tingly right now and it's beautiful and I really appreciate you and all that you do to help others just remember who they are and to embrace and be who they are.

Speaker 2: 52:05

Please remember to be kind to yourself.

Speaker 3: 52:08

Hey, you made it all the way here. I appreciate you and your time. If you found value in this conversation, please share it out. If there was somebody that popped into your mind, take action and share it out with them. It possibly may not be them that will benefit. It's that they know somebody that will benefit from listening to this conversation. So please take action and share out the podcast. You can find us on social media on Facebook, Instagram and TikTok under Lift One Self, and if you want to inquire about the work that I do and the services that I provide to people, come over on my website, Come into a discovery call LiftOneSelfcom. Until next time, please remember to be kind and gentle with yourself. You matter. Thank you.