Lift OneSelf -Podcast
Step into the serene sanctuary of self-care, where our journey of truth and mindfulness begins by dismantling the stigma surrounding mental health. Immerse yourself in profound conversations as we unravel the mysteries of mental health, meditation, and personal growth, exploring the profound impact of trauma on the nervous system. Join our nurturing community, where we uplift each other by sharing invaluable tools and services, gracefully navigating life's challenges with resilience. Prepare to awaken your mind, nourish your soul, and embrace the transformative journey of self-discovery.
As I traverse the vast expanse of the digital world, connecting with diverse voices across the globe, I invite others to share their stories and provide insights and tools. If you listen deeply, in every story you can catch a glimpse of yourself in the details.
Welcome to the Lift OneSelf podcast, where every dialogue sparks curiosity and ignites your spirit.
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www.LiftOneSelf.com
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Remember, always be kind to yourself.
Lift OneSelf -Podcast
Journey Through Shadows: Susan's Healing Tale- episode 114
Susan recounts a dark chapter from her teenage years marked by a family tragedy that changed her life forever. She revisits the harrowing moment of receiving a phone call that announced her father's involvement in a drive-by shooting. As she navigates through the immediate aftermath and the overwhelming police presence, Susan also touches on the strained relationship with her mother and how her boyfriend became a beacon of support in this turbulent time. This episode offers a raw depiction of dealing with unimaginable loss and the complexities of family relationships during such crises.
Through her journey of healing from PTSD, Susan shares the pivotal moments that led her to seek professional help. Various therapeutic modalities like talk therapy, tapping, breathwork, and EMDR played crucial roles in her recovery. Writing, particularly the experience of authoring a book at 50, provided a safe space for Susan to process her trauma and inspire others. The episode concludes with a powerful discussion on the importance of setting boundaries in toxic relationships and creating a safe space for radical honesty. Susan’s story is a testament to the strength of the human spirit and the transformative power of sharing one’s journey to inspire hope and healing in others.
Connect with Susan here
susansnowspeaks.com/
Remember, the strongest thing you can do for yourself is to ask for help.
Please help us grow by subscribing to and sharing the Lift OneSelf podcast with others.
The podcast intends to dissolve the stigmas around Mental Health and create healing spaces.
I appreciate you, the listener, for tuning in and my guest for sharing.
Our website
Https://.LiftOneself.com
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Music by prazkhanal
Remember to be kind to yourself.
Always do your own research before taking action.
Remember, the strongest thing you can do for yourself is to ask for help.
Please help us grow by subscribing to and sharing the Lift OneSelf podcast with others.
The podcast intends to dissolve the stigmas around Mental Health and create healing spaces.
I appreciate you, the listener, for tuning in and my guest for sharing.
Our website
LiftOneself.com
email:
liftoneself@gmail.com
Find more conversations on our Social Media pages
www.facebook.com/liftoneself
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Music by prazkhanal
Good morning.
Speaker 2:Good morning Susan, Let me get my video.
Speaker 1:There we go, hi Hi there. How are you? I'm good. How are you?
Speaker 2:I'm well. I'm well. Welcome to the Lift One Self podcast, where we break mental health stigmas through conversations. I'm your host, nat Nat, and we dive into topics about trauma and how it impacts the nervous system. Yet we don't just leave you there. We share insights and tools of self-care, meditation and growth that help you be curious about your own biology. Your presence matters. Please like and subscribe to our podcast. Help our community grow. Let's get into this. Oh, and please remember to be kind to yourself. Welcome to the Lift when Self podcast.
Speaker 2:Susan, I'm so thankful you're here with me. Thank you for having me. Will you join me in a guided meditation so we can ground ourselves in our breath? Sure, and for the listeners, as you always hear my spiel, I want you to stay safe and everybody around you. So if you're needing to drive or run or do anything that needs your visual, please don't close your eyes. Yet the other prompts you're able to do with whatever activity you're doing. So, susan, I'll ask you to get comfortable in your seat and you're going to gently close your eyes and you're going to begin breathing in and out through your nose and you're going to bring your awareness to watching your breath go in and out through your nose.
Speaker 2:Don't try to control your breath. Just bring your awareness to watching your breath and being aware of the rhythm. There may be some feelings or sensations coming up in the body. Don't push them away. Let them come up. You're safe to feel. You're safe to let go. Surrender the need to control, release the need to resist and just be. Be with your breath, drop into your body, stay with your breath. There may be some thoughts or memories popping up. That's fine. Don't push them away. Just bring your awareness back to watching your breath go in and out. Continue staying with your breath. Continue staying with your breath. Continue staying with your breath. Now, at your own time and at your own pace. You're going to gently open your eyes while still staying with your breath.
Speaker 1:I got to tell you something funny. So my dad is in this room right now. My copier just turned on all by itself and the minute I actually visualized him so he came into my mind as we were doing that exercise. And then my copier turns itself off. So he's got a little bit of a quirky way of telling me that he's around when I do these podcasts.
Speaker 2:Beautiful. I love that you have the opening and you're able to communicate on. The other side of love that you have the opening and you're able to communicate on the other side of love and you can bring his energy and his presence in here.
Speaker 2:So I'm delighted to have him here with us well, he's the reason why I am I am doing this so I did a podcast with another person and her mother transitioned in 2021 and while we were speaking, her front door just opened on its own. It was like this has never happened. I'm like I tend to also. You know, once the nervous system is regulated and if you're open for the presence, these things, um I know some people think it's woo woo or you might not understand it.
Speaker 2:Yet those that understand the language it's like oh, you're welcomed and uh, it's nice to be in spaces where we can talk like this openly and not have to worry about anything right, yeah, yeah, I mean, it's um.
Speaker 1:I mean, for me, I've always had that, you know. I've always had that intuition. You know, um, I actually bring people like that towards me and, uh, towards me and, and so that's why I can laugh when things like this happen, because it's happened before I. I was on another it wasn't a podcast, it was a conference that I was speaking at and the speaker prior to me was a breathwork. She did breathwork and intuitive breathwork, and the same exact thing happened. My copier in my office just turned on all by itself. I was like, huh, okay, and then I was speaking. It was right before I went on and I just took it like it really filled my heart because I knew that it was like reinforcement for me to know that what I was doing and speaking of, he approved of it and he, you know, he was excited, um, and so I just felt that and, um, it relaxed me enough to like do my talk and, um, I, just this morning I was like, okay, you know, we'll, we'll see how this goes.
Speaker 2:Every podcast is different and I've been on a lot of them and so, like I said before, I just let whatever happened happened um, I, uh, I delve into the nervous system, so I I call it energy healing, because our nervous system, gene frequency and, um, my space, allows people's nervous systems to regulate and feel a sense of calm, and that they can come into their body, because our bodies are the conduit, like a radio, to, you know, transmit the frequency right what is your father's name, tom?
Speaker 2:thank you, tom, for being here now. Uh, we got ahead of ourselves because Tom wanted to do a grand entrance. Right, we're going to explain who Tom is and give the backstory and you know, honor his legacy and honor your legacy that you're walking in right now, absolutely um, well, my dad was a los angeles police detective and in uh 1985, um, he was uh testifying on halloween of 1985.
Speaker 1:He was testifying that day, um, on his case. After work he went to go pick up my brother from school and the guy that was involved was out on bail during his trial. So he laid in wait and drove by and my dad knew what was happening, what was coming, as he was putting my brother, who was six at the time in the car. And, um, he turned around and he told my brother to duck down in the truck. He knew what was coming and he was killed instantly, um, but he saved my brother's life in his last moments that night.
Speaker 1:I was 17 at the time and I was getting ready to go to a party. Hopefully, dad had said no that morning, but I knew he was going to change his mind, you know. So I was home getting ready and my mom had come home from work and she was taking her costume off and the phone rang. And so, being a teenager, I thought who's calling my parents? It's got to be for me, right? So I sprinted across the hallway into our den, picked up the phone and there was a lady on the other side who identified herself from my brother's school and all she said was that there was a drive-by shooting and my dad was involved and nothing else. At that point I gave the phone to my mom. At that point I gave the phone to my mom immediately and as I stood there I was watching my mom's like demeanor or posture everything, and I could tell that it was bad. She got off the phone, she looked at me and said we're going to the school, and we did. We didn't talk the whole way there and it was about 10 minutes. We went, we parked and the way that the school is set up is the kids get picked up from the backside of the school for afterschool care, and so we parked in the middle of the school. There's parking in the middle of the school. There was parking in the middle of the school and we headed towards the back of the school and at that point I saw police officers walking around and they had tears in their eyes and I saw an ambulance and the lights were blaring, but it was just sitting there. When we rounded a corner, we saw my dad's truck and both of us started to run, walk towards the truck, and that's when we witnessed there was glass everywhere and we witnessed his body and it had been covered up, but it was still in the same place that he fell.
Speaker 1:Um, at that point I could hear my mom screaming, you know, and I saw her, you know, dropped to her knees and police officers were holding her back and I just stood there like not understanding what I was seeing. Like my brain was just like I had two different it's like it's split in half, like part of me was seeing what I was seeing, but the other part of me was looking at the ambulance and wondering why no one was helping him. And so we were escorted away, obviously, and went to an office, and at that point I was just really trying to wrap my head around what was happening. And we got to the office and my mom got pulled aside. I had no idea where my brother was at the time. I didn't know if he was hurt, I didn't know what he saw, nothing.
Speaker 1:And I was sitting in the chair in this office by myself and I could hear two ladies that were working in the office talking, and the one lady said that, um, that you know, mr Williams, detective Williams was was gone. You know that he was deceased. And I, that's when it hit me, you know, and I just wanted to run out of there, like I wanted to run and run and run, but at that point my body, my nervous system, shut down, my body totally shut down on me. I couldn't move from that chair and still wondering where my brother was, still, you know, really confused. And my mom came to me and she said I'm sending you with a neighbor and I I was like wait, I, I need my mom. Like part of me was like I need my mom, I don't want to go to the neighbor's house. Like I wanted to leave but I didn't want to go to the neighbor's house and I did, I did what she said. You know, I, I did what she said.
Speaker 1:And so I had to like navigate all of this stuff as a kid myself, like trying to figure out like how do I get through this, how, how can I live without him? He was like my best friend. My dad was a very present person when he was here. He was my safety net, he always made me feel safe, and now I don't even have that and my street where I lived became something that it's hard to even describe, because it used to be a very quiet neighborhood and now it's like filled with police officers everywhere. Everywhere there were cop cars up and down the street and then you could hear the helicopters overhead. Well, we didn't know, but we were in danger and we didn't know that. But that's why we had so much presence.
Speaker 1:And my poor neighbor lady, she, just I was a wreck. I was inconsolable, I didn't know how I was going to deal with things, you know, and to make things a little bit more complicated, you know, my mom and I had a very complicated relationship at the time, very, very complicated. And you know, I wasn't sure. He was always the go between, you know, the voice of reason. And now he's gone and I'm like I don't know how to deal with this.
Speaker 1:I was very blessed, very, very blessed, to have had a boyfriend at that time. We had been dating three months Still kind of iffy, you know, like he was 19 and I was I had just turned 17 two days before this and I begged the neighbor lady, I was like he was, he was what I needed, and she called him, but she didn't tell him anything, she didn't give him any information, didn't tell him anything. She didn't give him any information. So when he showed up, all he knew was that my dad was in this incident and you know he was standing at the door saying get your your purse and your jacket and I'll take you to the hospital. What hospital is he at? You know? Where's your mom, where's your brother, what hospital you know? And I couldn't spit it out, I couldn't tell him, and this was, at least you know, a minute where I just couldn't. If I said it, it was real, I just couldn't and finally I just blurted it out. He's gone and it was the first time I had ever seen like he's now my husband, by the way, um, but he dropped to his knees. It was devastating to him.
Speaker 1:We were both kids and we had no idea how to, how to navigate this. We had no idea. We were just this. We had no idea, we were just. We had no tools, we had no. You know, this was the eighties. There was no talk about mental health, there was no talk about PTSD, there were no resources Hi, dad, he's reminding me there was nothing. There was no resources for me, no phone calls, no phone numbers to call, none of that. So I just I had to deal with this on my own.
Speaker 1:It was crazy. It was, you know, I, I just felt like my whole world shattered and I, I didn't know how I was going to live without him and my poor, my poor husband, boyfriend. Back then he was like I don't know what to do either, like you know. But he chose to stay with me. Most guys at 19 would have said bye-bye. You know, this is too much, there is no way. And he didn't.
Speaker 1:He stuck it out and I think you know, when we talk about it now, after my book came out especially, he and I had many conversations around this and he said something in me, told me that I needed to stick with you because you needed a friend at this time. And your mom I knew your mom was going to kind of do her own thing and she did. She kind of turtled, and I'm not, you know, I don't blame her Right, because, especially that night, like there was so much chaos that night at the school and I've asked her you know, why did you send me away? And she really can't answer it. Um, she just said, you know, maybe I was trying to protect you, but I felt like it was an abandonment, you know, and it was yeah, and, and that's how I felt. I felt abandoned.
Speaker 1:And then, after everything happened, you know, it even took the day, it even took the media two days to figure out he had a teenage daughter. And it's because all the focus was obviously on my brother and my mother and my father. But it started this mindset for me that I wasn't important, I wasn't important enough to for my mother to give me the support that I needed, the nurturing I needed, just the feeling that I'm not alone on this island. And you know, I had my family. My brother was too little, right, he was just a little guy, but I couldn't even be like the big sister to him because I had nothing left. You know, I was completely depleted. The big sister to him because I had nothing left. You know, I was completely depleted. I was trying to navigate all of these emotions, which I now know are part of PTSD, with severe depression and anxiety. I had panic attacks where I literally thought I was going to die. Yeah, but at the time I was fine with that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's a lot of to die. Yeah, but at the time I was fine with that. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Um, it's a lot of pain inside, yeah, and you know, and I, I really, I I really struggled with, uh, verbalizing, you know, but I was also a kid and, um, I'm a Gen X, so we don't talk about our feelings back then, especially as a kid. But you know, it's, it's, it's. It was just really hard because I just wanted so much for a adult, someone to step up for me and tell me it was going to be okay. I didn't hear any of that and that was hard. I had to go through all the emotions, all the pomp and circumstance of the funeral and it was all over the news every single day and we had media camped out, you know, by the house all the time. They didn't catch the people involved for six days, and so we had that police presence for six days. If I went anywhere, I had bodyguards. I mean, this was not, this was not a life that I would wish on anyone. You know, it's not a celebrity that I would wish on anyone, right, um and uh, it took about a month.
Speaker 1:A month after everything was, you know, the funeral was done and all that, lapd came to my mom and they said we want to pay for a therapist for each one of you, and I didn't know what therapy was. At the time I was like, well, if you need therapy, you're crazy, you know, because that's what kids think, right, we didn't know. Crazy, you know, because that's what kids think, right, we didn't know. And so I. But at the time, it's just, whatever someone told me to do, I did it. They just put me in the direction I needed to go and I went. And so when my mom said I'm sending you to therapy, you know, I went and I thought, okay, well, maybe this is the adult, right, maybe maybe this is the adult that's going to help me feel better and not feel the way I I presently do.
Speaker 1:And I, I met with this gentleman, um, for an entire year and I tell people this all the time and they go what? But not one time in that entire year did he ask me how that night affected me, not once. He didn't dive in, he didn't ask me questions. I'm 17. I don't know how to verbalize it and our sessions were only very, they were very shallow, they were very, you know, general. It was, you know, my relationship with my mother, my brother, my boyfriend and school, that's it. Every time I went, I was like today's the day, today's the day. But it didn't happen.
Speaker 1:And after a year he looked at me and said I was a well-rounded young lady and that I was going to be fine for the rest of my life and I didn't need to see him anymore. And at that point I just was like I was resolved to the fact that I this is just the way I was going to have to live for the rest of my life and I'm just going to have to figure it out. And I have cracked. I'm just going to have to figure it out and I have cracked. I'm crazy and there's not even a professional can help me.
Speaker 1:And that was the mindset that I had and it took a lot away from me because not having the tools, not being able to verbalize and communicate what was going on, it caused me to. You know, I struggled with seeing things for what they were. You know, relationships for what they were, friendships for what they were. I mean everything. And you know I don't blame him. I feel like maybe he wasn't educated enough to handle the amount of trauma and he was probably afraid to ask the questions because he didn't want to get himself into a situation where he didn't know what to do. So, in hindsight and looking at it, you know it's that's probably the issue, but you know, 14 years I dealt with that, 14 years of being off and on, you know, with anxiety, with depression, um, with suicidal ideation and um, sometimes very severe. You know, and I I don't know how I got through it. Honestly, your own hellhole, your own hellhole. Yeah, I really don't know how I didn't end it. I really don't know how I didn't, other than the fact that you know, other than the fact that you know, maybe my dad was just like, oh no, you don't. But you know, 14 years later, I married that boyfriend. I'm now a mom of two kids. We have moved from Southern California to Colorado and we were here two years.
Speaker 1:I was working as a hairdresser at the time and October 19th of 1999, the Columbine shootings happened at Columbine High School and I was at work and I had taken a break, went into the back room, turned on our little TV set and all of the news was on about what was currently happening at the school and I had a visceral reaction. Oh yeah, flashback Totally. I had flashbacks, I had anxiety, panic attack. My anxiety was through the roof. I turned bright white and none of my co-workers knew my story, so they had no idea what was happening to me, nor did I remember. I was told 14 years ago that I was going to be fine for the rest of my life.
Speaker 1:So I had no idea what was happening and what I got really good at for years and years and years and I talk about this all the time was I would put my emotional mask on, and that mask was everything that people would tell me throughout the years of oh, you're so strong, you, you know, it's amazing what you know. You're just so strong, you're so strong. And that was my emotional mask. I'm so strong, this isn't going to affect me, I'm totally fine, you know. And so I did that again. I put that mask on, I went finished. My clients for the rest of the day Pretended like nothing happened. Everybody around me was upset, you know, and having reactions to what was happening at Columbine. But sorry, okay.
Speaker 2:Take your time.
Speaker 1:I, I just kept telling myself I'm going to be fine, you know, I'm fine. And I walked out the door and I wasn't fine because all of those things came flooding back, all of the suicidal ideation, all of that. I felt like I was spiraling. But now I'm a mom and I just I struggled for at least two or three days and I would have, you know, pretty strong visualizations of, like driving off the road in my car, I mean and thank God my husband is who he is, because he stopped me at the door one day and said you have two choices. He saw it, he knew I was spiraling and it was a slippery slope. And he said you have two choices you either get help today or I'm putting you in a hospital. And I said, okay, you know, I'll go see a doctor. I'll, I'll, I'll get help. I promise I don't want to leave you and the kids Like I. I understand, you know.
Speaker 1:And so I went to the doctor and the regular doctor, and he said you know, I'm going to prescribe you antidepressants and cause, that's what they do. And he said and then you're going to have to seek a therapist. And I laughed in his face and he was like why are you laughing? And I said because this. 14 years ago I saw a therapist and he couldn't fix me. Then what makes you think that a new one will? And he said well, that's, that's the chance you got to take. Like you, you're going to have to do this if you want to get better. And I said okay. So he gave me a reference and I am so grateful to this day because the woman that I did meet with within the first five minutes of our meeting, she, uh, she specialized in PTSD and severe trauma and I told her a snippet of what I went through at 17 and then what I was currently dealing with.
Speaker 1:And she looked at me and she said, susan, everything that you have gone through and experienced since you were 17 is normal because you have PTSD. And I kind of sat back in the chair and I was like what? I didn't go to war, I'm not in the military. And she said you know what? Anyone who experiences trauma can have PTSD, but what you need to understand is that PTSD isn't something that goes away. You learn to manage it.
Speaker 1:And I was like I describe it as the sky opened up and rainbows shot out, because I finally knew I wasn't crazy and I knew that this woman got it and that she was going to be able to guide me and give me the tools to heal, and I finally had hope and it just. I was just so grateful and I cried that day because I thought, oh my gosh, finally, finally, I had the adult that was going to help me. Even now that I'm an adult, I still didn't have the tools. So I was so grateful for that moment. Grateful for that moment. You know, and she started me out. You know baby steps, because there was so much going on, we had to tackle it one thing at a time. So that's what we did.
Speaker 2:That's the work that I do. You see, rather than doing the onion peel, I'm able to bring you right into your nervous system and feel the feelings that you weren't given the space to feel at the moment of the experience. Start to create this identity in this sense of protection, and the negative bias gets so loud that it's trying to avoid feeling these deep sense of grief and sadness and fear and rage and anger. And so, when it's trying to come up to give you the messages it's pushing down, and what is the signaling in your head? Just end, it 'm the I'm the problem. So let me just end my life so there's no more of this conflict going on inside. Yeah, how did you start interacting with your emotions?
Speaker 1:so the first thing because I was not sleeping, um, and sleep deprivation is horrific when you're dealing with anxiety and depression. So the first thing she wanted to do is tackle my sleep, but getting me to a point in my, in my mind, where I was able to sleep. So part of my problem and I talked to a lot of people about this is when your body gets to rest. That's when your brain kicks in, right? So what would happen is all the bad stuff, all the dark stuff, all the things would come into my brain at night and then it would terrify me to the point where I didn't want to shut my eyes. So what she started me with was something that I talk to people about and some people are like, oh, that's so frou-frou and whatever. But journaling is what she started me with. And she gave me a couple of prompts and she said look, journaling can be done in different ways. You could write, you could do art or you could do music, whatever it is that gets whatever it is out of your head out, whatever it is that gets whatever it is out of your head out. So for me it was writing and I thought, oh gosh, all right, you know, kind of rolling my eyes. But I said, ok, I will give this a week, you know. And so every night, and she said, you do it right before you go to bed. Some people journal in the morning. I do it before I go to bed. And she said, whatever is in your head, you just put it all on the paper and then go to sleep. And I said, okay, so I did it for an entire week and I slept and I just couldn't believe it. I was like, how can this, like really, um, and so I, that was the first modality, that was the first thing that we we did to get through the anxiety of going to sleep. And, and then we started moving into more talk therapy, um, then she introduced me to um, tapping Um. So I did some tapping um, breath work just to to stabilize myself and ground myself, and um, you know kind of like what you were doing and um, and so it was just like a little by little by little, and then she pushed me and now she didn't do EMDR, but she sent me to someone that did do EMDR and so I did some sessions of EMDR and that was eye-opening and that actually opened my intuitiveness intensely. But I had to be at the point where I was ready to do things like that, because EMDR is very scary. Going back there reliving is very, but it was. It was mind blowing how significant it helped for me to move through a lot of my pain that I had been carrying around all these years. So I was very grateful for that. But I will tell you the biggest thing I ever did.
Speaker 1:And I waited and people asked me like why did you wait till you were 50 years old to write a book? Well, that's because I had to be in a place where I knew I was safe enough, that I knew I was safe enough that telling my story and reliving everything and feeling everything, that I had the tools in order to do that. And at 50, I did. And I felt like my dad was like get this thing done, get this thing done. Because I I knew that not only did I know that this would heal me, I was really hoping that it would heal my husband, because he too went through trauma. You know, he may not have seen what I saw, but from that night on, when he knew it was very traumatic for him as a young man and we never dealt with it. We never. You know, I had lived in fight or flight for so many years and trying to figure out how to heal myself. I didn't know how to heal him too, and so I felt like, maybe with this book and him reading and really diving into my brain my experiences, that maybe in some way he could heal himself as well.
Speaker 1:And even my brother you know my brother's 10 years younger than me and you know, as I was riding it, though, all these fears came up, and part of that was, you know, the fear, obviously, of my safety. Um, there were many men involved in my dad's murder. It was planned out for months, and so I had safety fears for sure, putting myself out there. The second one was was I going to blow up my relationship with my own husband, you know? And my third was was I going to blow up my relationship with my mother, the remainder of our relationship?
Speaker 1:But I really weighed out what I did, was I found purpose, and my purpose was all those faces out there that needed to hear this, that needed to hear my message, that needed to have hope in their healing and they could see my resiliency and that would give them hope that one day they could feel it themselves and build it within themselves. So anytime I had those fears, that's what I just. I have a tagline bulldoze your fear. Because I really did. I had to bulldoze through all those feelings in order to continue to keep going, to keep doing it. And the other thing is I had to be okay with the outcome. So I had to really look at it and say, if this does blow up my relationship with my husband, I have to live with that, you know. If it blows up my relationship with my mom, I have to live with that, you know. If it blows up my relationship with my mom, I have to live with that. And, um, I didn't care about the men that were out there. You know, it was important for me, for the first time in my life, to tell my story, because everybody else had been telling their version of my story and I thought it was really important.
Speaker 1:The other people that I wanted to heal were the people in the law enforcement community, and the reason is is because even now, 39 years later, is because even now, 39 years later, there's still so much hurt and pain and sadness and anger around my dad's death, and so I thought, if I could show those people, especially the men and the women that knew him, that worked with him, that trained with him, if they could see my resiliency, then maybe it would find some hope and healing for them as well and it would remind them that their own mental health is important. And I compartmentalized, I used the emotional mask, I did all the things that they do on a daily basis in their job. And the problem is is that obviously, when you live with that for too long, it obviously will come back and bite you eventually. So you know and that's I do I go out and I speak to law enforcement and remind them that you can't live like that forever and that's why alcoholism and divorce is high in that job. But anyone, anyone can read my book and either see themselves or be able to connect with what I was saying in some sort of way, and that was my purpose.
Speaker 1:That's my purpose is to be able to really bring home the fact that you have to do the work. You have to do the work and it's not easy. It's not easy to relive and refill and all of that. But what I tell people now is that when you do do that, when you do the work like that, you are gaining your power back, because a lot of times, when you go through something that traumatic or a trauma of some sort, when you are sitting in your sadness and when you are sitting in your anger and when you are sitting in all of that, you're giving up your power back. Heal yourself, heal yourself. You need to be the priority. This, and I've talked to people who are, you know, trying to get sober. And you know, and I tell people all the time, like if you don't work within your internal things, whatever it is that you're hurting, um, whatever trauma you've gone through, even sobriety is harder, you know. So, and I dealt with that.
Speaker 1:My mom, you know she started drinking after my dad was killed. My mom has a narcissistic personality and I didn't. I realized this at 54, I'm 55, but it took me all these years to realize that all of this behavior, all of these things, it was how she's wired, it's just who she is. And after I did write the book, I did sit down with her and my dad gave me some instructions through an intuitive, and I listened to his instructions and I went and I sat down and I had a conversation with her and I told her everything that I spoke about in the book and I told her there are going to be things in there that are going to be hard for you to read. And here are all the things I talk about. I talk about her drinking and how it affected me. I talk about the abandonment issues. I talk about generational abuse and how I chose, as a mom, to change that behavior and change that legacy. And I thought that the conversation went pretty well.
Speaker 1:But when the book came out, I delivered hers, she set it down with her mail and ignored it for a little while and I left and she called me about 40 minutes later and said I read the first two chapters of your book and it's written very well. You know I'm proud of you. And I thought, oh, that's, you know, that's nice, thank you. And then she argued with me with which neighbor I went with, and I didn't engage. You know, I was like whatever. But after that I never heard from her and she stopped talking to me and she ended the relationship.
Speaker 1:And you know, I thought at first I was like what do I do to heal this? But then I had to really think about it because I've tried for years to heal that relationship in my, you know, in in a way that a kid could try to heal a parent. Um, and it wasn't happening. And so I had this fantasy that one day my mom was going to wake up and she was going to be that Hallmark movie mom. And it didn't happen, that Hallmark movie mom. And it didn't happen. And you know, I thought, oh, when I do this, she's going to be so proud of me, she's going to love me more. Oh, if I do this, she's going to love me more. Oh, you know, I'm going to write this book and she's maybe, maybe it'll open a conversation is what I was really hoping would happen, but it didn't.
Speaker 1:And so what I had to do is I had to find peace in that and I had to realize that I couldn't stay in a toxic relationship, even with a parent, and I had to let go of that fantasy because it was never going to happen and I needed to be peaceful in where I am and continue to talk and tell my message and get it out there and not worry about how it affects her anymore and not take responsibility for her reactions. And I got to tell you it is a freeing, powerful, peaceful place to be. And I know my dad understands where I'm coming from, and so I'm at peace with that. And you know, and so that's the healing piece that I'm dealing with currently is, I didn't realize that I was in that type of relationship all these years.
Speaker 1:In that type of relationship, all these years, I had no idea that that was abusive, and so, you know, because I spent so many years making excuses for the behavior, you know, and now it's like, oh well, she's old, you know she's older and you know she's going to be grumpy or she's going to do this. No, no, she's always been this way, and so it's just another part of the resiliency is being able to level up, being able to, like, leave that toxic relationship and know who I am, you know, and who I want to be and who I strive to be and who I'm growing to be. And that's what I want for other people. You know, that's what I want for other people that are going through whatever they're going through, whether it's loss, whether it's trauma, you know, and being able to give them hope, being able to show them resiliency and what it looks like. And, yeah, you can go through some really terrible things. I'm very, you know, I. I talk about it in one of my talks about turbulence.
Speaker 2:You know, and, and but knowing that above the turbulence is blue skies, right, and you have to go through the turbulence to get to the blue skies, yeah, so to give some more verbiage to what you described, is you really started setting boundaries for yourself, recognizing the work that your mother had to do for herself was not your responsibility, right? Do you recognize that your mother has trauma, absolutely, and so interacting in that and not realizing that you had the verbiage and all you have been doing is trying to find safety?
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:What we do as a child is we look for safety in our parents are supposed to be our safety, yes, and they haven't done their inner work, or it becomes a whole confusing space. And, like you said, the relationship between your you and your mom was very challenging. Yet you had safety in your father, yes. And now that that safety was gone, and then you don't have your mom, and then, and then I loved how you explained how you weren't able to sleep because rest didn't feel safe, right, because you were two days after your birthday, so 17, you're excited, you're about to go to a party, convince your dad that everything else, that excitement and that peace, got ruptured into unsafe. So, to come back into your body, to come back into excitement and joy that was a threat, yeah. So all you've been doing is the journey to come back into your body and trust your body and face the pain, which gave you the space to face the pain, right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, exactly, it's not something that happens overnight and I think people need to understand that. First of all, the one key thing I could say is that I found someone, a therapist, that specialized in my type of trauma and the first five minutes of meeting with her I felt like I could be vulnerable with this woman. I felt safe. You're absolutely right. I felt safe with her right. So when I hear people say, oh my gosh, I tried therapy and it didn't work, my first question is why do you think it didn't work? And they'll say things like well, because all I did was just sit there and talk and I didn't know what to talk about most of the time, or I would lie to her because I just wanted to use up the time, or whatever it was right, her him, whatever. Whatever it was right, her him, whatever.
Speaker 1:And I tell, and I asked them did you feel like you were comfortable enough to be vulnerable with this person? And they said no. And I said then at that point, you have the right because, remember, this is your healing, it's not their healing, it's yours. So you have the right to get up and find another therapist, because it might take you two or three right To find the right fit, to find the person that you can be vulnerable with, that you know and trust that it's going to be able to guide you in your healing. And if you don't have that, move on and it's okay, because, remember, it's your healing, it's your life and it's important, right, you need to be the priority, and so that's a message that I continue to have conversations with people who have said to me oh my gosh, like therapy didn't work with me.
Speaker 1:And I say, well, you know why. Why didn't it work for you? Or what were you looking for? Like? Was that a question that your therapist asked you? What are you looking at for out of this therapy? Right, just like coaching, I coach. So in my coaching, I say what are you looking for in this coaching? Because it gives me clarification about where we're going to go from there, right, but if you have a therapist that's not even asking that question, then how are they supposed to know where to take you for one, right? So you know that's the other part of my education for people out of my own experience is making sure that you're with someone who you know you can be vulnerable with and that they're going to be able to continue to guide you in the way that you need in order to heal like how I break it down for people because of I you know I understand therapy peels the young in, yet my work brings you into the core, and so safety nervous system.
Speaker 2:I don't know why this does this all the time. Safety, um, your nervous system needs safety. It will not open the door of disarming the defense mechanisms for you to get to that vulnerability.
Speaker 2:So if you don't have safety, you could try all you want. Vulnerability is not going to come out because your biology is trying to protect you, because it's always protection. And so then, for healing, you need radical honesty. You have to be able to tell your truth, like you said, that radical honesty. And not when the radical honesty comes, there's going to be feeling. You're going to feel some emotions that you've never allowed yourself to feel before. And what happens when there's feeling? You usually disassociate and jump out of the body.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you need those three things to still rewire your nervous system. That it's safe to be in this body, because what you're creating is safety within your own nervous system. That you have the tools or skills to do so. You, you know, when you're born, you hook into the nervous system of your caregivers, and what is supposed to be happening is that they show you that you have the capacity to be in your body and to be safe, and a lot of people don't have. You know, like you said, I didn't have the verbiage, I couldn't understand, yet when you had that revelation of epiphany.
Speaker 2:That's why your intuition came, because it's like wait, I can start trusting myself.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I've been beating myself up of this confusion and fragmenting myself out where it's like, no, I've been seeing certain things in a clear way, yet nobody gave me the validation of wait, this is all serving me, like, yeah, I'm having to process some shit for this garden with the manure, yet, okay, what is this safety I need to create? And when this confusion comes up, it brings back to that incident of seeing the ambulance, seeing all this. So it immobilizes you. You were in the frozen state of your nervous system and to come out of that, it's like, okay, we can go a little bit more, a little bit more and see the scene and allow curiosity to give us some verbiage of it. Yeah, not just be stuck without feeling because you, just you had to right for your whole system and what that therapist was supposed to do, that gentleman, that he wasn't. You know, I understand that there's this um saying of trauma informed. It's actually trauma competent, right, really understanding the nervous, understanding it, yep absolutely do you understand the language I'm saying?
Speaker 2:does it make sense internally?
Speaker 2:yep, and it sounds very simple, yet it's a process to get in here and my nervous system, because of the work I've done with lived experience, that my nervous system provides a sacred space of safety. So people can be this radical honesty and then they can feel these feelings and it's like, oh, I didn't need a pill to kind of numb to feel these. I'm feeling it and then these clicks happen. Like you said, that revelation, the sky opened up and it's like shit. I can see from the inside out now, not from the inside in. I can see from the inside out now not from the inside in, exactly.
Speaker 1:And you know, here's the other really incredible part of this is it's something that happens all the time. When you are living your purpose. It shows up all the time. So, for me, when I have conversations with people and I'm able to tell my truth, I'm able to tell my story, what always happens is the guard is let down from that other person and they start telling me their story and I think, because I allow people to have a safe space, to feel like I'm not judging, I am not. I am there to be present. And when I think about this, I thought, oh my God, like when I say I'm my father's daughter, I am my father's daughter Because he was the exact same way you know he would give you self. When you were with him. He was present. He always made you feel like you were the most important person in the room, right, and I'm working to be the same way right, to be absolutely 100% present. But when I'm able to tell my story, I give people a safe space and I'm proud of that, like I feel really good about that and I feel like that's when I'm able to touch people in a way, and we live in a crazy world right now.
Speaker 1:That's, you know, very, it's very entitled. It's very, you know, hurtful. It's very, you know, people are afraid to say what's on their mind and I, I think that's bull, I think you know. I talking about my mom and my experiences with my mom. It's amazing how many people I come across in that conversation who are like oh my God, I grew up with a parent like that. Oh my God, you know, I never thought about that. I never thought about my own piece. I never thought about you know what it would look like to have no contact right? Is that a route that I need to look at? You know what I mean. And so it's just been a very I'm always learning, you know, ever since the book came out, it's it's, it's opened up so many different conversations with people.
Speaker 1:Um, I had a woman, for example. I had a woman that read the book and she sent me a message Um, I'm a realtor by trade right now too, and um, I kind of have a lot of different things that I do, um, but I've been a realtor for many years and she is also a realtor out of state and she lost her husband to COVID very, very quickly and was struggling. And so I sent her my book as a gift and I told her you know, I hope this helps you to heal, helps you find hope. And she sent me a message after she read it and she said you know what, susan, I was your mom and thank you for opening my eyes to that. And you know, I want to make sure that I'm not.
Speaker 1:I'm not continuing in that behavior. And you know, now that I saw what it and now that I saw how it affected you, I realized how it affected my daughter and I told her I said well, first of all, you're not my mom, because you've recognized that this was your behavior and you've recognized that it affected your daughter, so you're not my mom. Second of all, I'm so proud of you for being able to take that responsibility, to be that vulnerable and to go get the help that you need right To make sure that you're healing. And it was just a different. I didn't even think about that, like I didn't even think that it that someone would connect with it in that way.
Speaker 2:But that's a repair you needed.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it was, uh, I was just like wow, that's, that's incredible, you know. So I was very grateful for that, very grateful, um, and just you know so.
Speaker 1:I was very grateful for that, of course, very grateful, and just you know how much love and appreciation my book has brought to people has blown my mind. Yeah, it verifies to me that I'm on the right path, that what I did and what I'm doing is what I should be doing. This is my purpose is helping other people. I feel like we're all given things in life, be it not so great, right, and it's tragic and everything. But when we're able to rise up from those ashes and we're able to heal from that, I feel like it's almost. For me personally, I felt like it was almost my job to help others heal, to show them a way to give them kind of a cliff notes, so to speak, in my book, because the way my book is set up, the first part of the book is about the trauma and the second part of the book is about how I got through it and the revelations I had as I was healing. So anyone you know it doesn't have to be law enforcement, but anyone can glean something from it, you know.
Speaker 2:Can you let the listeners know where they can find you and where they can find the book Sure?
Speaker 1:Absolutely so. My book is on Amazon currently. The book is called the Other Side of the Gun my Journey from Trauma to Resiliency. It is in paperback form and Kindle form, so if you're in Kindle Unlimited, you can actually read my book for free. Please review it if you buy it and read it. I'm always so grateful for all of my reviews good, bad or indifferent doesn't matter. And then if you want to contact me or if you want more information on my speaking or even my book is on my website as well. My website is SusanSnowSpeakscom.
Speaker 2:And for the listeners. All of that will be in the show notes. You can get to this amazing woman and her story and how her book can give you the tools to you know, come back into that repair, come back home, come back into that body and, you know, be on the journey of the process of living and being alive. So I want to thank you for the alchemy that you have done in your own life. You've taken those impurities and you've transformed them into gold and you're offering that gold to others. And I want to thank Tom for being here in the space to just ignite the relatability in the story and allowing the feelings and the storytelling to really, you know, vibrate out to the person that really needs to see themselves in this story. Are you willing to share what the intention was when we did the meditation at the beginning?
Speaker 1:Yeah, my meditation intention was that somebody out there that was listening to my voice, who felt that they had no hope, that they were afraid to do the work, that they would listen to me and feel a peace and a calm and to be able to move towards their healing, knowing that they were going to be okay in the end.
Speaker 2:so that was my intention and tom made sure that that intention was supported all the way through this conversation.
Speaker 1:Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 2:It's an honor to have had you as a guest on here and you know it's an honor to be in your presence and share the energy. You created a teaching for me and a validation of the work that I do, and you know, standing amongst another person that is holding that same sacred space for other people to come back to their journey back home. So thank you so much, susan. Thank you for having me Remember to be kind to yourself. I will. Hey, you made it all the way here. I appreciate you and your time.
Speaker 2:If you found value in this conversation, please share it out. If there was somebody that popped into your mind, take action and share it out with them. It possibly may not be them that will benefit. It's that they know somebody that will benefit from listening to this conversation. So please take action and share out the podcast. You can find us on social media, on Facebook, instagram and TikTok under Lift One Self, and if you want to inquire about the work that I do and the services that I provide to people, come over on my website, come into a discovery, call liftoneselfcom. Until next time, please remember to be kind and gentle with yourself. You matter.
