Finding True Success Through Vulnerability

Ever wondered how a single moment can reshape your entire life? Join us as we welcome Alan Lazaros, a business coach and co-founder of Next Level University, who shares his compelling story of transformation after a life-altering car accident at the age of 26. Alan opens up about his formative years, including the heart-wrenching loss of his father, and how these experiences shaped his journey toward self-discovery and authenticity. Through guided meditation, we ground ourselves in the present, emphasizing the power of breath and intention in navigating life's challenges.

Alan takes us through the chilling details of his near-fatal car accident on a dark winter night in 2015, an event that catalyzed a profound shift from chasing external success to seeking holistic fulfillment. He bravely discusses the emotional and psychological aftermath, addressing unresolved childhood traumas and the importance of vulnerability in personal growth. Now, as a mentor, Alan draws from his experiences to guide others in health, wealth, life, and love, highlighting the irreplaceable value of lived experiences in shaping one's path to true fulfillment.

We also dive deep into the challenges of embracing authenticity amidst societal pressures and internal conflicts. Alan shares his insights into the psychological patterns that fuel our fears and behaviours, stressing the importance of self-acceptance and genuine personal growth. He introduces his work at Next Level University, offering valuable resources and services designed to foster courage and authenticity in others. Wrapping up the episode, we focus on the power of kindness and the impact of sharing wisdom, encouraging listeners to spread these insights and continue their journey toward self-improvement with compassion and appreciation.

Connecting with Alan here:
https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/

Remember, the strongest thing you can do for yourself is to ask for help.
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Music by prazkhanal

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Chapters

• 0:00 Mental Health and Trauma Exploration
• 13:56 Awakening and Healing Through Adversity
• 23:48 Embracing Your Authentic Self
• 34:54 Embracing Authenticity and Inner Growth
• 43:53 Next Level Universe
• 49:30 Kindness and Appreciation in Conversation

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Hello.

Speaker 2: 0:00

Hi Alan, how are you?

Speaker 1: 0:03

I'm good what's happening? One sec, let me get on video here.

Speaker 2: 0:07

Welcome to the Lift when Self podcast. Hi, alan, I just did Sorry. I'm on my third podcast today. Okay, that's okay.

Speaker 1: 0:18

No worries.

Speaker 2: 0:19

I was about to call you Matthew and I'm like you're not Matthew. I just edited Matthew's podcast. You're Alan. I'm like okay.

Speaker 1: 0:26

Nat, I've done 1700 episodes. I understand Not a big deal.

Speaker 2: 0:32

Okay, Welcome to the Lift One Self podcast, where we break mental health stigmas through conversations. I'm your host, Nat Nat, and we dive into topics about trauma and how it impacts the nervous system. Yet we don't just leave you there. We share insights and tools of self-care, meditation and growth that help you be curious about your own biology. Your presence matters. Please like and subscribe to our podcast. Help our community grow. Let's get into this. Oh, and please remember to be kind to yourself. Welcome to the Lift One Self podcast, Alan. I'm so thankful to have you here and to do this deep dive of a conversation.

Speaker 1: 1:17

So I do not take it lightly to be considered on any platform. I, nine years ago, started listening to podcasts myself and they were inspiring, motivating and educating, and now I'm on the other end of that. So I don't take that lightly and thank you for having me. I really appreciate it.

Speaker 2: 1:35

Will you join me in meditation so that we can ground ourselves in our breath and be in this moment?

Speaker 1: 1:42

Absolutely.

Speaker 2: 1:44

And for the listeners, as you always hear me rant, if you're driving or needing your visual, please don't close your eyes, because I want you to be safe, as well as everybody else around you. Yet the other prompts you're able to do with any activity. If you are getting a little too regulated, then, just you know, fast forward to the conversation and come back to do this mindful moment. So, alan, I'll ask you to get comfortable in your seating and you're going to gently close your eyes and you're going to begin breathing in and out through your nose and you're going to bring your awareness to watching your breath go in and out through your nose, awareness to watching your breath go in and out through your nose. You're not going to try and control your breath. You're just going to keep your focus on watching your breath go in and out. There may be some sensations or feelings coming up in the body. Let them come up. You're safe to feel. You're safe to let go, surrender the need to control, release the need to resist and just be. Be with your breath. Drop into your body. Keep your awareness on watching your breath go in and out. There may be some thoughts or memories coming up, and it's fine. Don't push them away. Just bring your awareness back to your breath. Keep your awareness on your breath.

Speaker 2: 3:36

Alan, I'll ask you in your mind to create an intention you want to bring forth in this conversation and for the listeners. And when you've created that intention, I'll ask you to release it in your mind, allowing it to drop down into your nervous system, down your throat, down into your chest, filling your heart, your lungs, down into your abdomen, into your stomach, into your life force, still staying with your breath, allowing that intention to surround your energy field, to surround your energy field, and staying with your breath dropping deeper into your body. Now, while still staying with your breath, at your own time and at your own pace, I'm going to ask you to gently open your eyes. While staying with your breath. How's your heart doing Good? Can you let the listeners know who Alan is?

Speaker 1: 4:47

The intention that I had said actually was to just be true self, tell everyone what I really think and what I really feel and what I really believe who Alan is. The first thing that comes up is someone who is insatiably curious. Right before this conversation, you and I had a little conversation about geography in Canada and I genuinely want to know the stuff and I've always been super curious to understand how everything works and why it works that way. So I think that's who I am.

Speaker 2: 5:32

So you mentioned in our conversation that you were in a car accident. I think it was at the age of 26,. You said Can you let the listeners know what that experience was and how it pivoted you and changed your path?

Speaker 1: 5:51

So if I start with just the car accident, I got to take you back for a little bit of context, so I'll give the shortest possible version. And the key here too, before I ever share this story, is nine years ago. Like I mentioned, that was nine years ago this car accident you're referring to, and I started listening to podcasts and I would hear these people with these narratives and they knew their stories so well and they were so articulate. And now I've become one of them. But I remember back then listening going how did they know all that and how did they figure all that out? So when I tell this story it sounds like I had it all figured out, but I definitely didn't. It's only in hindsight that I've sort of rewatched the movie of my own life to fully understand how I've gotten here and to fully understand it. So I always think of Finding Nemo. I went to watch Finding Nemo when I was in middle school. I rode my bike there and I saw that movie again on my second date with my girlfriend when I was in my late 20s, early 30s, and I'm like, oh, now I get it, now I get it, now I get it. So it's kind of like that so you reflect on your life and so in hindsight this stuff is clear. Okay, so shortest possible version.

Speaker 1: 7:03

When I was two years old, my father passed away in a car accident when he was 28. I had an older sister who was six. I had a mom who was 31. She was a stay-at-home mom. My real last name is actually McCorkle, so my birth father was a part of a big Irish Catholic family, so it was Jim, joe, john, jane, joan, jeanette, my mom and pop up, and so we we were trying to be the Lazaruses, my stepdad, I had a stepdad from age three to 14. And we were trying to be sort of the Lazaruses. So we didn't really talk much with the McCorkles during that time.

Speaker 1: 7:41

And I often refer to this part of my life as boats and, excuse me, boats and BS. We had motorcycles, trucks, snowmobiles, ski trips, ocean boats, deep sea fishing. We had a custom yacht we were building. We also had another yacht and it was during the nineties, early two thousands when, particularly the nineties, when the economy was just booming, my stepdad worked for a company called Agfa and they did hospital computers, and this is during the dot-com bubble, when computers were on the come up. So we did very well financially, but my mom and stepdad did not get along, and that's the very polite way to put it.

Speaker 1: 8:17

At 14, my stepfather leaves, takes his entire extended family with him and 90% of the income. So my grandma Joan, grandpa George, that whole family, though, as I haven't seen any of them since. I have talked to my stepdad on Facebook messenger a little bit, but I haven't seen him since either. That same year and, again, didn't know this at the time. This is only in reflection. I've done some therapy in my 30s and I've started really re-watching the movie of my life and going oh whoa. So at that same time my sister moves out with her older boyfriend. At that same time my mom and her sister, my aunt sandy, get in a big fight. She ostracizes us from the higgins side of the family to my mom's side. I haven't seen any of them since, except for one of my cousins. His name is Jeff, so didn't know this at the time, but I kind of lost three families by the time I'm 14 years old. Fortunately, the McCorkles welcomed me back with open arms, like us back, and I've since been in contact with all of them. But it was kind of like they were seeing a ghost because I looked just like my dad. So there was that as well. On top of that, my stepdad took 90% of the income with him, so I went from Xbox, dreamcast, ski trips my mom drives a BMW basically to. I get free lunch at school now because our income is so low and I'm shopping at Salvation Army and our income is really low, so not doing well.

Speaker 1: 9:51

And so my dream was to be a Fortune 500 CEO of a tech company, like my hero, steve Jobs. I built my first computer when I was 13. And I used to think about Bill Gates and Steve Jobs and that whole thing. And my dream was to go to WPI. My uncle, merle, was the track and field coach there. My mom drove me past an RBMW, so my stepdad was still around.

Speaker 1: 10:14

I was 10 years old and it was. She said you're, you're good at math, engineers make a lot of money, you should be an engineer, and that was my dream. I had two dreams. Actually, I never used to share this because I was too cowardly, but one of my dreams was going to be lawyer, politician, president. That was a genuine decision I made. And then the other one was engineer, mba, master's in business and then CEO of a Fortune 500 tech company. Those were actual dreams that I really considered and reverse engineered. I chose the engineer road. But I really did, and I now realize how weird that it is, but at the time I didn't so fast forward.

Speaker 1: 10:54

Now I'm hoping to get into college. But even if I get in, how am I going to go? It's $50,000 a year and so for those of you who don't know WPI, it's kind of like a mini MIT, one of the best tech schools in the world. And so for those of you who don't know WPI, it's kind of like a mini MIT, one of the best tech schools in the world. And so I bootstrap all through high school straight A's. I got what's called the President's Award. It's actually behind me, signed by George W Bush, and essentially they give that out to. I don't know if they're still doing this, but that award indicates straight A's, all report cards all through high school. So 16 report cards straight. I got 189 in honors English. Luckily it was weighted. Never took honors English again. It's a big math and science guy. So I got tons of scholarships and tons of financial aid.

Speaker 1: 11:32

I got into my dream college and I went and I got a computer engineering degree and then I got my MBA, my master's in business, and then I was off to the races. I worked for a bunch of different tech companies and computer engineers always do really well because everyone needs them. So, uh, in the economy now nowadays. I worked for sensata technologies, I robot oz development. Uh, tyco safety products, simplex grinnell. I worked for a company called lens america.

Speaker 1: 11:59

I did a lot of job, hopping, soul searching, went from 65 to 85, 85 to 105, 105 to 125 and eventually landed at almost 180 grand. So broke college student within three to four years, becoming a one percent global earner with I paid off 84 grand worth of debt. And I say earner, by the way, not net worth, because people one person called me out for that. It's like you weren't a 1%-er 1% earner Globally too, not in the US, because the US, I think, is 450 for top 1%. Point is, I went from very not well off to having more money than I knew what to do with. So I paid off 84 grand worth of college debt in a single year.

Speaker 1: 12:44

Having more money than I knew what to do with, so I paid off 84 grand worth of college debt in a single year I had $150,000 in a Vanguard investment account, a bunch of tech companies. I bought Cognex, I bought S&P 500. I bought a bunch of other index funds and I'm an inside sales engineer at a company called Cognex. And then I go to outside sales engineering and I manage a territory. I manage all of Vermont, western Massachusetts and Connecticut and I'm on the road and I'm making a lot of money and I'm doing the American dream, or what I thought was the part that I haven't talked about yet. I know I promised you the short version.

Speaker 1: 13:21

The part that I haven't talked about yet is the, the partying. So my mom and stepdad liked to party and again, I didn't know this at the time birds of a feather flock together. So so all of their friends inherently like to party too. And so I high school partied, college partied and then Cognix. The motto was work hard, play hard. I used to say work hard, play harder. And I'm in sales making tons of money beautiful girlfriend, high school friends and college friends and corporate friends and parties and money and all that. So I'm 26.

Speaker 1: 13:56

I'm in New Hampshire with my little cousin and this is when I get in my car accident. So my little cousin was 17. At the time we were playing Call of Duty. We weren't drinking or anything like that. We go to TGI Fridays and it's a dark winter night back in 2015. And the snow banks in New Hampshire are covering the signs. I know in Canada. You can probably relate. Sometimes I do podcasts with people down South and they don't understand. I get it but anyway.

Speaker 1: 14:21

So the yield sign was covered. I was supposed to yield and I didn't. I end up on the wrong side of the road and I look up from the GPS and I see what I thought was a Mack truck and so I immediately was this is it. There's no way my brain calculates probabilities very quickly. We're done so. It was a life or death situation for sure.

Speaker 1: 14:41

Fortunately, I was driving a 2004 Volkswagen Passat that I bought in cash. Thank you, volkswagen. I used to call this car the tank. It was a German engineered steel trap of a car. Nice heavy car. Both airbags did deploy. My cousin hurt his knee on the airbag, I hurt my face in the airbag, but fortunately we were physically okay. That car without question saved my life. But here's the thing he's 17. He's still kind of invincibility complex. He's tweeting about it that same night. Not a big deal. The entire car is completely smashed and totaled and I'm so rattled, even though I'm physically okay. And the reason why is because this is the second chance my dad never got, so my dad died in a car accident.

Speaker 1: 15:24

John and I grew up my whole life hearing stories about John, and here I am 26 and the same thing almost just happened to me, and so I am just flooded with every regret you can imagine. And it's not like I lived a terrible life. It's not like I was a bad person. I just hadn't faced any of the stuff. There's an ACE score. I know, you're probably aware of it Adverse childhood experiences. I had no idea I hadn't faced my dad's death. I hadn't faced my stepdad leaving. I hadn't faced losing three families by the time I'm 14. I hadn't faced my drinking problem.

Speaker 1: 16:05

And I was achievement oriented and I was improvement oriented and I was professionally developed resume, cover letter, linkedin but the inner work wasn't there. And so now I'm actually self-improvement oriented, so I flipped the script. So, instead of achievement at the expense of fulfillment, I flipped the script completely and I went all in on inner work. I went all in on personal development. I went all in on personal growth. I went all in on self-improvement and then I went all the way past, broke, sold all my assets, started a company, couple of companies, and went broke. So I've had success without fulfillment, and that sucks. And I've also had fulfillment without success, which also sucks.

Speaker 1: 16:50

And so now here I am seven years later, nine years later, from the car accident, seven years later, in terms of the second business that I started. It's now called Next Level University. We've got a 21 person team, we've got 21 departments, I have a business partner, kevin, and we are off to the races now and now what we do is holistic self-improvement, health, wealth, life and love. He grew up without a dad as well, and so we're trying to be the male role models we never had. And you and I even on this podcast right now, we had talked about what's the through line, what's the theme, what are we going to bring to the world together? And that's really what it comes down to is if I had had my podcast when I was a kid.

Speaker 1: 17:31

So now I do business coaching. My youngest is 18. My oldest is 63. I have 23 people on my roster now, and I've been coaching for seven years. I did fitness coaching and mindset coaching and peak performance coaching. I did business consulting. I did all of that and now I'm business coaching primarily, but at the end of the day I just wish that I had had better guidance and male role models that were more character driven, and I think many of the things that I learned maybe the hard way we can help people with now hard way we can help people with.

Speaker 2: 18:11

Now, what I know to be true is, I think what is lacking in a lot of the space of self-help and people helping other people is lived experience. They have a lot of theory, they have a lot of textbook knowledge, yet the lived experience people aren't able to relate to it. And what I know to be true also, whatever faith you have in a higher self or understanding the connections when you're ready to wake up, pain is a teacher. Yet a lot of times we won't go through the door of pain, we try to avoid it. And it seems that that car accident, although you're saying that, physically you didn't have pain to like the degree that it should have been, psychologically and spiritually it gave you an awakening of weight, alan. You got pain inside that you've never been able to resolve, to engage with, to really understand. So outside you're looking for all of this safety and the achievement and the finances in a way to kind of escape the hole that was inside you 100% aren't aware of it.

Speaker 1: 19:19

Until you start to explore it. It's almost like the whisper eventually becomes a scream, because deep down I always knew. But post-car accident I was physically not in pain, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually tremendous pain, especially the regrets. So yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 2: 19:37

Well said, I understand that that work can feel very daunting to some people, to some people, and I believe and know that there's not enough of a space for men to really engage and talk about the vulnerability and sensitivity. So when you started to engage with that in your own personal life, what did it look like? How messy was it, and what has the journey brought you to to right now that you are now mentoring and modeling to others?

Speaker 1: 20:08

Yeah, the amount that crying, for example, as a man is seen as weak, the rub some dirt in it stuff. I used to say this all the time. There's that playful quote of women are much more mature than men and that they're three years ahead in maturity, and I think it's far more than that, quite frankly. But the reason why is obvious now. I didn't have a diary growing up. I have a journal now, I use every single day. I self-reflect every single day now, but when I was growing up I wasn't encouraged to have a diary and to write in my diary. I joked with you earlier. I said guys can't even ask for directions, nevermind get the therapist. And the truth is, now that I've done therapy, it's so obvious for men who haven't. Oh, it's so clear now, whereas before I was one of them. You show up so burdened and you don't know you're burdened and you're so intellectually intelligent. Right, and I was right, but you haven't gone down to the deeper stuff. So, but you haven't gone down to the deeper stuff, so it was messy as hell.

Speaker 1: 21:13

I remember the very first thing I did after that car accident Maybe not the very first thing, but one of the first things I did. I called my ex-girlfriend, who also grew up in a very adverse situation, and I asked for feedback. I said what did you notice about me? We had been together for four and a half years, off and on it was tail end of high school, early college, and so we had been through it together. I mean those are tumultuous times. And she said you never talked about your dad. I'll never forget when she said that. She said you never, ever, ever talked about your dad. You never talked about John. I'm not even sure she knew his name, to be honest, until that conversation and I didn't know that I was avoiding that. That wasn't conscious, it's just painful. Whenever you bring it up, it gets awkward.

Speaker 1: 22:04

People don't know what to say and the best way I can describe it because it's different for me. My sister was six, I was two, so I didn't know him. I have very, very potential memories. I'm not even sure if they're real. I think he used to put me on a pillow and like play with me. I think that's real.

Speaker 1: 22:23

But I always say this if everyone out there, if you're not driving, you can close your eyes and think about your father, think about your relationship with your father, think about the good, the bad and the ugly. Think about everything that has to do with your father. And now that's all gone, and that's the only way I can describe it is no, maybe I don't know what I'm missing, but I'll tell you what you know you're missing something. And now we actually have a charity that does an event every Father's Day, because Kevin and I he grew up without his father. His father didn't die, his father left and he met him at 27 for the first time. Oh wow, for the first time, at 27. But it was messy. It was different. Before that, I read a book once called the hidden habits of genius, and it's by a Yale professor. Have you, have you heard of the book?

Speaker 2: 23:16

No, I haven't.

Speaker 1: 23:16

Okay, um, it's by a Yale professor who spent 30 years teaching a course on geniuses and and studying the geniuses of history and many of the geniuses of history, by the way, are horrible human beings whoa, uh, holy crap. But but, uh, he opens the book with this sort of thesis of it takes a non-genius to study geniuses because geniuses don't know they're geniuses, they're just too busy doing genius stuff. And it's this weird thing where I've come to realize now I'm about to come up on my 10,000th hour of coaching, speaking, training, podcasting, and you just see patterns by this stage where all different industries, all different cultures, all different backgrounds. I mean hour long coaching sessions with people from all over the world for seven years straight, and I'm talking every week on the week, no vacations, and I'm very intense. So that's my true nature. The old me never would have shared any of that. It's like, oh, good for you, you're so hardworking. It's just my truth.

Speaker 1: 24:24

Now, why I'm saying that is you always know deep down who you really are, but it's almost like you're scared of it. So I've come to realize through coaching that everyone is scared of one of two things You're either scared to be too much or you're scared to be too little. Some people have this not enoughness. They have this I'm not smart enough, I'm not good looking enough, I'm not capable enough, I'm not working enough, I'm not enough, I don't have that. So anyone who's out there already knows that If you have that, you know I don't and I probably trigger you. By the way, mine is different. Mine is I'm actually afraid to face the truth that I'm a genius because deep down I've always known it. It wasn't till that book that I realized, holy crap, all 14 character traits that he broke down for all the geniuses in history I have at level 12, I've got them in spades. And so it was like this awakening for me of holy crap.

Speaker 1: 25:35

I have always known on a deep spiritual level that I have gifts other people don't have. I'll give you an example. My whole childhood I thought why is everyone else so unintelligent and so lazy? They're not unintelligent, you're just really intelligent. I never thought about it that way. So if you're out there right now listening, you have a gift and you're gifted in something.

Speaker 1: 25:57

Whatever that is, it's a blind spot. It comes with a huge weakness. So for me, self-belief. I'm not kidding, I actually intended on being president if I was going to take that path, I reverse engineered it. I'm American male, I grew up in adversity. I'm charismatic, I can do it. I know I can do it. That's the path. Let's reverse engineer it. Now that sounds nuts to someone who doesn't believe in themselves. Now, can I guarantee that's going to happen? No, but I genuinely believed that I could give it a shot and have a high probability of doing it.

Speaker 1: 26:28

But when you believe in yourself that much and other people pretend to believe in themselves, they spend their whole life thinking you're arrogant, when in reality, what if you just have a gift? They don't have, but don't know it. And so for me, instead of the not enoughness, I had the unlovable, and I don't want to overly categorize anyone, because in the psychology this goes much deeper. But at the end of the day, you are I think everyone's in this little sort of box. You want to be successful enough to not be ostracized by your peers, but not so successful that they ostracize you and villainize you. You and villainize you. But you also don't want to be a failure either. So we all stay in this little comfort zone of well, I don't want to be too smart, but I don't want to be dumb either, and the truth is behind the scenes. When we're alone, we get to be who we really are, and it's very hard to do that publicly. So people that aren't that smart pretend to be smart and the people that are really, really, really smart pretend not to be.

Speaker 1: 27:37

I'm not concerned about someone thinking I'm dumb. I've never been worried about that in my entire life. I was always the one asking the dumb questions. I asked dumb questions right when we got on here. I was like isn't there four main provinces? I'd rather be dumb for a moment than dumb for a lifetime. I I want to know the knowledge, but I'm not afraid to look dumb in front of you. I know that I'm not, but for some and so this is the irony you have to face what you really are. If you're not naturally intelligent, if you face that, you're better off. You face and uncover who you really are and then ironically, paradoxically, you can grow from that authentic place. I have a team member who finally faced his deepest fear, which is being cognitively challenged, and now that he's faced that, he makes up for in humility and work ethic and he's going to run circles around some of the smart people I know.

Speaker 1: 28:26

So if you're too much, you're hiding, you're pretending to be less when you're around other people and most likely you feel bullied and unlovable and weird. This tortured genius, low self-worth, believe in myself when no one's watching, but don't talk about it. Or you're this behind the scenes. I'm actually fairly lazy, I'm letting myself down all the time, but I puff up in public to make it seem like I'm not public, to make it seem like I'm not, and and or you're a complete victim and you just think you have no control over your own life. And again, these are all archetypes and they're all in movies too.

Speaker 1: 28:54

So so the long story long here is it was messy, it was long, it was arduous, it was way harder than I expected, and the external success piece for me feels fairly natural and easy. It's the internal stuff that doesn't at all. So I used to think people would say, well, you have to get outside your comfort zone and I would say okay. And they would say things like well, you applied to the job, you did the interview, you stepped on the stage. I thought that was outside my comfort zone. It wasn't. It never resonated. What is outside my comfort zone is the inner work Sharing what I just shared with you publicly about my childhood you want to talk about outside my comfort zone. That's a 12 out of 10.

Speaker 1: 29:45

Going for doing a half marathon do you know how easy that would be for me? That's my truth. You know how scary it is to say it. I could do a half marathon. I did. I did a half marathon, not that hard the half marathon was. I did a full marathon and the first half was easy. The second half was brutal. It was like way harder than I thought.

Speaker 1: 30:07

But the point is is competence doesn't come that hard for me, but look how red I can get when I share that, because socially it's not okay to be cocky like that. Quote unquote. So the best way I can describe it and then I'll move on here is Kevin and I. I never learned this. Kevin and I speak together. We speak in front of, let's say, 300 people.

Speaker 1: 30:31

He's concerned he won't add value. I'm not concerned about not adding value at all. If I'm on a stage and I'm going to get you thinking differently, I'm going to get you dreaming bigger, better and brighter and my oratory is going to be extraordinary. But if you said, alan, you have to get everyone in that audience to like you? I would say that is impossible If Kev. He knows everyone's going to like him. He's funny, he's relatable, everyone likes him, but he's concerned that he's not going to be extraordinary.

Speaker 1: 31:05

So we live in this world where some people are afraid to not be extraordinary and they're pretending to be, and then other people are afraid to not be loved and they're shrinking to fit in. And it creates this belonging that's manufactured and not real and it messes with us so much. And so that messed with me. For 26 years I was this weird, behind the scenes, low, self-worth, unlovable torture genius who partied his face off to be loved and wanted to be everything for everyone and was nothing for himself. And now I finally flipped the script after my life or death situation and said I can't do that anymore. That was, that was never going to work. And so now I'm me and I said if I'm going to be hated, I might as well be hated for who I really am.

Speaker 2: 31:55

Yeah, and possibly not even that you have to be hated. Imagine receiving love.

Speaker 1: 32:05

I think that that is happening. It's scary because you just don't have a ton of evidence that you can be fully. You and I'll go one layer deeper too. I'll go quick with this. But if you did grow up with caregivers who were overly dominant, deeply insecure about not being enough, anytime you challenged them, there's usually this massive puffer fish overreaction. So you fawn. There's four trauma responses fight, flight, freeze and fawn. I never heard about fawn until I was in my late 20s. That was my go-to. Just don't poke the bear.

Speaker 2: 32:45

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 32:45

And as long as you don't poke. But then what do you do? You shrink, don't poke the bear and as long as you don't poke. But then what do you do? You shrink, you stay small, you lose self-respect, you lose self-worth, you lose self-esteem. But then, behind the scenes, you dream bigger, aim higher, work smarter, get smarter, whoa, talk about a cycle. And then the years go on and you surpass people and they still treat you like garbage. And then you even become a better person and start working on your character, and you're still getting treated like garbage. Oh, it wasn't me, at least, when you were s-ing on me before. At least I had some shame around some of who I was. Now it's I like help kids, what do this doesn't make any sense. Oh, it never had anything to do with me. It had to do with your own deep insecurities that you never dealt with, and I happened to be triggering those, probably in part because my fear of being unlovable created this energy of inauthenticity that they could feel.

Speaker 2: 33:45

And what kind of work have you done with the nervous system? Because you talk about it, because not many people know the four Fs and they don't understand that the fawning is that people-pleasing and it's a sense of safety, because you want to have that sense of belonging, because that is a definite threat in death it feels like if you don't have that belonging. So what work have you done on your nervous system to reshape it and rewire it?

Speaker 1: 34:14

yeah, so breath work has been tremendous. We did a little bit with that meditation right there, uh, but some of the breath work that I've done is way more intense and very healing, very, very healing. I have one in particular that I can send if anyone wants to email me, but the rest of it has been identifying what my go-to trauma responses are and then trying to emotionally regulate within that and then try to break the pattern, the pattern. So, for example, if you were energetically dominant and overly dominant over correcting from insecurities, I probably would have wanted to fawn in the beginning of the interview, like you asked hey, do you mind if we do a meditation? And I could tell that you weren't. You were actually asking Other podcast hosts. They'll ask that, and if I were to say no, they would can me from the show.

Speaker 1: 35:15

And here I am trying to serve, right? So this is the other thing I want to share with everybody. This is martyrdom. By the way, my desire is to come and serve. I want to bring self-improvement to the masses. I want to bring self-improvement to the world. So in order to do that, I need opportunities.

Speaker 1: 35:35

But these people that are overly insecure and overly dominant, they kind of take advantage of the fact that you have a goal, and that's why they say release from outcome. First of all, if you're alone by yourself and you're trying to lose weight, do not release from outcome Worst idea ever. But in relationships, you better release from outcome, otherwise you're creating codependent situations and you're going to constantly fawn to try to get to where you need. This is a boss that's overly dominant, that says, oh, I love feedback, but never actually takes it. Oh, I want to hear everyone's opinion, but then actually doesn't, and then lashes out behind the scenes anytime you do this horrible patriarchal top-down leadership. Do as I say, because I said it crap, which is just hilarious.

Speaker 1: 36:14

It's never going to work in the 21st century. All those people are going to fail, quite frankly. But to go back to the original point of the central nervous system, you have to identify which one's your go-to. So my go-to is fawn first, and then it's fight behind the scenes when no one's watching. The weights aren't going to get hurt. So so for me it's fawn in person, then go behind the scenes, vent to myself, get it out, and then just aim higher, work harder, get smarter, and then what does that do? Make better or worse?

Speaker 2: 36:48

It inflates the ego and the defense systems and then you just go into your vicious cycles because there's chemical dumps coming down too, of the adrenaline, the cortisol that you have to see biologically why we keep up with habits, because biologically there's something in there too.

Speaker 1: 37:05

Yep, and so my my trauma response and this is fortunate or unfortunate, depending my trauma response to all of the crap going on at 14, my trauma response was fawn and fight. It was fawn make sure my mom's good and then aim higher, work harder, get smarter baby, but then over time that triggers other people even more. This is something that's not nearly talked about enough, and I understand why because, statistically speaking, we're trying to help people that are, that are fall in the middle of the bell curve, and for someone who doesn't fall in the middle of many bell curves, it's very lonely and I'm not kidding, it's really lonely. Like there's not a lot of books that are written for, um, small markets. So one of the things that's really not talked about is people are very, very triggered by intelligent people, so they can tell. So if you were to, if you were to meet me, you could tell that I'm smarter than you and you're fearful of that, because that means I could manipulate you if I wanted.

Speaker 1: 38:13

And so people are triggered and so what do they do? They puff up and pretend to be smarter out of self-preservation, and if my trauma response to that is fawn and dial myself down, I used to wonder why? Why doesn't anyone know? Why doesn't anyone know how smart I am? You're dialing it down all the time, brother. Why? Because you want to fit it in and because you're so scared of the overly dominant lash out whenever you challenge anyone's irrational thinking.

Speaker 1: 38:40

I'm a hyper-rational science, technology, engineering, mathematics, business and finance guy, so most people's money decisions are wildly irrational. Well, or mine are just hyper rational. Right, pick, pick which end you want on. But if, if I were to see your finances, I would seem judgy to you and you'd be triggered and insecure and then lash out at me or run away. What does that do to someone who just wants to be friends with people and learn and grow? And so I could nearly tear up just talking about that. So if you are really different, you're resonating a lot with this. If you're really not, you are relatable and that's okay, but you probably feel like you're not super gifted.

Speaker 2: 39:27

Both of those you need to face the truth and lean into and face the fear of what's inside you. I love that, because I'm one that gives language to a lot of people that they are not hearing what they need to hear, and the way that you just explained how that inner work looks like and being able to have acceptance of yourself and to really start loving you instead of looking outside for love and really understanding what it is to sit in your worth, to sit in who you are and not turn it down because of what you see externally. And that takes a lot of it's warrior work to do that because you've been conditioned, indoctr and then you've created these belief systems about yourself of this is the way I need to show up, to be able to be loved and adored or whatever. The narrative is that we are trying to soothe that ache of a pain that's being signaled inside of us. That's being signaled inside of us. Yet once we can face the pain, then we can diminish the alarm. It's like, no, just don't separate from yourself.

Speaker 2: 40:32

And be who you need to be and be in that purpose, and not everybody's going to understand it. And it's not your job to make people understand who you are. You have to validate yourself. But the way I'm saying this it's like people will say, well, that's easy for you to say, yeah, it it's not easy, it's the hardest thing in the world?

Speaker 1: 40:52

yep, your work. How I? How ironic is it? People you ever hear people say, oh, I don't, I don't care what anyone thinks, I'm just me. Yeah, right, I know, isn't it? Those people are the least them. Yeah, because the hardest thing on planet Earth, in my honest opinion, is being who you really are.

Speaker 2: 41:19

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 41:23

Because we're social creatures who crave belonging. If you've studied Maslow, I think Maslow was wrong. I think belonging is the pinnacle. Yeah, it's, it's, it's the most important part of our nature is belonging? Yeah, and, and it's very hard to belong without manufacturing yourself into what the environment needs, especially if you grew up in adverse childhood experiences. And so you're. You're literally wired to belong and and that's why it's so interesting you've got like my stepdad was a big harley guy. These non-conformists all look the same. Yeah, you're not non-conformists. You all look identical. Right, you all wear the leather. It's it's it human nature. So let's not hate ourselves for that. Let's accept that as a part of who we are. And then let's make a choice.

Speaker 2: 42:13

Exactly, who do you actually fit in with versus who are you manufacturing it and everything else that people do it's like well, they're soothing pain because they want belonging and they don't even know how to belong to themselves and they're going external. And you will never have the true belonging externally, because everything comes from the inside out, it's not from the outside in. Yet once you pivot, you understand that it's like oh my gosh, I'm mindful of time, because I know that you said that you are time managing, so I appreciate you.

Speaker 1: 42:52

I have seven minutes and 20 seconds. That alarm that went off, by the way, I apologize if anyone heard that that's I'm supposed to take my pets out. I have three alarms set so that I don't miss my dog. I got to take him out, but we're good. We're good, we have seven minutes.

Speaker 2: 43:06

Okay, I just want to bring you into a reflective question. I want to ask you to bring this awareness right now and to go back to your 18 year old self, and you have three words to tell your 18 year old self to carry you through to the journey of right now. What would those words be?

Speaker 1: 43:40

Okay, the journey of right now. What would those words be? Courage, three words would be. Courage is everything.

Speaker 2: 43:48

Beautiful. There's so much that I would like to get into more with you. However, I know we're limited to time, so I know some of the listeners like okay, Nat, Nat, enough, when can I find Alan? So can you let people know about the university, what you have and where they can get in contact with you?

Speaker 1: 44:08

about the university, what you have and where they can get in contact with you. Absolutely, nat Nat. I like it. I looked up Nat Nat on Instagram and that didn't work. There's a lot of other Nat Nats that don't look like you. I looked up the name of the podcast.

Speaker 2: 44:23

That's your Instagram handle, so, anyways, I just when you said that it made me think of that. My personal Instagram is NatNatBee. Yeah, my name is Natalie Bedard, yet my friend's son he couldn't say the L, so he just duplicated NatNat, and that stuck with me since 2002, 2003. And then Bee, just Bee, but my last name is Bedard B-E, so it's NatNatB, and I want to be playful and to allow yourself to be, because I think what's lacking is a lot of playfulness.

Speaker 1: 44:58

Yeah, be yourself, be NatNat Nice, where you can find me. So nextleveluniversecom the name of the podcast is Next Level University, but the person who has that URL is charging way too much money. So we said, nope, next Level Universe, all things next level. So our website. We have a book club. We have a monthly meetup that we do for free every single month. We've got relationship coaching. We've got podcast coaching. We've got business coaching. We've got a group coaching program that we do every single quarter. It's super affordable, by the way, we got all kinds of. We have an app, we have a habit tracking app, so we got a bunch of stuff.

Speaker 1: 45:36

So nextleveluniversecom, spelt just like it sounds. You can email me A-L-A-N at nextleveluniversecom. Please just provide context because, like all of us, I get a bunch of spam mail and I'm on Instagram, I'm on Facebook, I'm on LinkedIn. And Next Level University is the podcast. It's self-improvement, holistic, in your pocket every day, from anywhere on the planet, completely free, and it's literally the podcast that Kevin and I wish we had when we were younger to guide us to a bigger, better, brighter future. Cause, no matter how hard your past has been, you have a, a next level. You have a bigger, better, brighter future waiting for you If you have courage and you stay humble and you put in the work.

Speaker 2: 46:19

What is something that you want to leave with the listeners.

Speaker 1: 46:23

The courage is everything. Three words that I gave to my 18 year old self in this. There's two types of courage. I didn't know this and that's why courage was such a thing. I thought I was courageous. Apply to the school, apply to the job, show up for the interview, do the test, take the test. That is competence courage. Hello, totally fine, not a problem. Social courage not a problem. Social courage Social courage is stand up to the bully. Social courage is have the courage to call something out that you believe in. Social courage is stick up for a friend when they're being bullied.

Speaker 1: 47:07

I was a social coward and that's why I said courage to be yourself, courage to say what you really think and what you really believe. I grew up in an environment that was a lot of distortion and a lot of nonsense and a lot of really bad behavior, and I never had the courage. I knew deep down this was wrong. I knew my brain was saying hello, alert, alert, alert. This is ridiculous that this is okay. But I never had the courage, and maybe that's because I was too young and I was a tiny little prepubescent. I always joke I'm hoping to hit puberty at 36. So imagine what I looked like at 11, right. But the point is, is social courage and competence courage are two different things. I had competence courage in spades, so I thought of myself as courageous. No, you're not going to work on something you don't admit is a problem. I was a social coward and now I'm very grateful.

Speaker 1: 47:58

Everything I shared with you on this public podcast I wasn't even able to share with close friends 10 years ago. I was too cowardly to tell the truth. I was too cowardly to be candid. I was too cowardly to say hey, friend Kiki, you're so much more capable than this, but you're being lazy, and I'm not trying to be mean. But, dude, your future is not going to be bright if you keep this up. That's not okay. And if you want to be my friend, you're going to have to improve and grow with me. My deepest fear was outgrowing people and inevitably I didn't tell the truth. Which then what happens? I outgrow people because they don't get any feedback. So it's a self-fulfilling fear prophecy. And I was socially cowardly. So I would tell myself courage is everything. But there's two types of courage. Remember that. You got to give yourself the one, you got to work on the one. You suck at, and everyone sucks at one of those, by the way.

Speaker 2: 48:56

Exactly Well, alan, I want to thank you for doing the alchemy, taking those impurities and turning them into gold, and not just keeping it for yourself. You're sharing it out with the world. So I want to thank you for being that light and being that transformation and showing them what lived experience looks like and that it's possible for them also.

Speaker 1: 49:20

Thank you so much for having me. This was awesome and it was an honor. It was an honor, thank you.

Speaker 2: 49:27

You're welcome and it was an honor for me also. An honor, Thank you. You're welcome and it was an honor for me also. Please remember to be kind to yourself. Hey, you made it all the way here. I appreciate you and your time. If you found value in this conversation, please share it out. If there was somebody that popped into your mind, take action and share it out with them. It possibly may not be them that will benefit. It's that they know somebody that will benefit from listening to this conversation, so please take action and share out the podcast. You can find us on social media on Facebook, Instagram and TikTok under Lift One Self, and if you want to inquire about the work that I do and the services that I provide to people, come over on my website, come into a discovery, call liftoneselfcom. Until next time, please remember to be kind and gentle with yourself. You matter.