Unlocking Joy and Healing Through Authentic Conversations - episode 113

Ever wondered how joy and community interplay to bring out the best in us? Join me, Nat Nat, on this episode of the Lift One Self podcast, where we break down mental health stigmas through heartfelt conversations. I'm thrilled to welcome Dr. Trudy Ann Fraser, a dentist with a passion for wellness, and Marya Kazmi , known as Brown Girl Interrupting, who shares her powerful journey of self-discovery after a challenging marriage. We kick things off with a grounding meditation, setting the stage for a rich dialogue on trauma, self-care, and personal growth.

Experience the magic of authentic self-expression through movement as we discuss the therapeutic benefits of dance. Dr Frazer reflects on her first Instagram Live with a young choreographer, where they unravel how moving with confidence can foster joy and mental well-being. Dr. Fraser shares her own path to joy through community and travel, while we collectively emphasize the necessity of journaling and disconnecting from life's distractions to connect deeply with ourselves. Together, we explore how grounding oneself can help navigate significant life changes.

Dive into the emotional labyrinth of anger, sadness, and fear, as we reveal how these emotions often mask deeper vulnerabilities. Through personal stories and insights from therapy, we discuss strategies to manage these intense feelings. The challenges of motherhood take center stage as we explore the emotional hurdles of asking for help, dealing with rage, and the importance of repair in parent-child relationships. Marya's journey through writing and podcasting highlights the transformative power of vulnerability and community, reinforcing the mantra "you are worthy, you are enough." Tune in for an episode brimming with wisdom, growth, and heartfelt connection.

Connecting with Marya Kasmi here:
https://www.instagram.com/browngirlinterrupting/
 https://direct.me/browngirlinterrupting

Connecting with Dr. Trudy-Anne Frazer here:
https://www.instagram.com/drtrudyann/

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Remember, the strongest thing you can do for yourself is to ask for help.
Please help us grow by subscribing to and sharing the Lift OneSelf podcast with others.
The podcast intends to dissolve the stigmas around Mental Health and create healing spaces.
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Chapters

• 0:00 Mental Health and Self-Care Discussion
• 11:09 Accessing Joy Through Community and Self
• 24:35 Exploring Anger and Fear
• 37:38 Navigating Motherhood, Emotions, and Self-Worth
• 48:37 Powerful Healing Through Vulnerability and Community

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Before you start, I have one thing to say to Mariam. This did not come to stay, it's going to come to pass.

Speaker 2: 0:12

I'll take that.

Speaker 1: 0:13

Thank you, Take it away Nat Nat.

Speaker 3: 0:22

Welcome to the Lift One Self podcast, where we break mental health stigmas through conversations. I'm your host, Nat Nat, and we dive into topics about trauma and how it impacts the nervous system. Yet we don't just leave you there. We share insights and tools of self-care, meditation and growth that help you be curious about your own biology. Your presence matters. Please like and subscribe to our podcast. Help our community grow. Let's get into this. Oh, and please remember to be kind to yourself. Welcome to the Lift One Self podcast. I am so thankful to have these beautiful ladies, and I know we're going to get into a deep dive. So please, ladies, can you introduce yourself to the listeners?

Speaker 1: 1:14

Hi everyone. I am so excited to be here with Nat, nat and Maya. I am Dr Trudy Ann Fraser, but I will take this doctor hat off tonight. Tonight, I am your sister, your girlfriend, your mentor, your confidant. Trudy Ann, I am so many things. I am the wife to a wonderful man that I married almost a year ago, that I'm learning to create a beautiful life with. I am a speaker. I am a soon-to-be podcast host. I am a wellness retreat host and I'll talk about my retreat that's coming up in November later. But, most importantly, I'm a connector. I love connecting like-minded souls and spirits because I'm a healer, so I win. I want my light to shine, but I want to make space for others to shine as well. Oh, and I'm a dentist. Let's throw that in there, why not? I'm a dentist.

Speaker 2: 2:29

I love that there is a doctor and the end of that for certain right. Hi everyone, I am Maria Cosme and I am also known as Brown Girl, interrupting as a talk show host and a writer, and I have a. I have been on this journey of trying to come back to myself for a really long time, after a long, difficult marriage and four children who are beautiful children, whom are part of my life and part of my journey of understanding myself and coming back to myself, and so I have been finding and discovering different parts of myself, and I am so excited to be here today to talk to NatNet and Trudy Ann and continue this journey of understanding myself in order to help and support others to learn tools and be able to figure out how to come to their own understanding of selves. So thanks a lot, natna, for inviting me.

Speaker 3: 3:33

I am really looking forward to what we're going to get into and the synergy that is going to be created so that, you know, we can infect the listeners and they can dwell in the high energy that we can bust when we're together. Before we start, are you willing to come into a guided meditation so we can ground ourselves in our breath? Yes, and for the listeners I know many of these guys, as you always hear me say, you may be driving or needing your visuals, so please do not close your eyes. I want you to be safe while keeping everybody else safe. Yet the other prompts you're able to use. Another warning is safety.

Speaker 3: 4:15

If you are becoming too relaxed and you are requiring your focus, just fast forward over to the conversation. Fast forward over to the conversation. Yet I would invite you to come back to this mindful moment so that you can take some time to care for the self and ground yourself in your breath. So, ladies, I'll ask you to get comfortable in your seating or wherever you're positioned, and you're going to gently close your eyes and you're going to begin breathing in and out through your nose. And you're going to begin breathing in and out through your nose. You're going to bring your awareness to watching your breath go in and out through your nose, breathing in through the nostrils, down through your throat and into your lungs. You're not going to try and control your breath. You're just going to be aware of watching it go in and out.

Speaker 3: 5:12

There may be some sensations or feelings coming up in the body. Let them come up. You're safe to feel. You're safe to let go. You're safe to feel You're safe to let go. Surrender the need to control, release the need to resist and just be, be with your breath. Drop into your body.

Speaker 3: 5:57

There may be some thoughts or memories that popped up and took your attention. It's okay, gently, bring your awareness back to your breath, creating a space between you and the thoughts. Continue keeping your awareness on your breath. I'm going to ask you to create an intention in your mind that you want to bring forth in this conversation and for the listeners. And when you've created that intention, I'm going to ask you to release it in your mind, allowing it to drop down into your nervous system, down your neck, through your throat, down into your chest, into your throat, down into your chest, into your heart, into your lungs, going down into your abdomen, into your stomach, into your life force, still keeping your awareness on your breath and dropping deeper into your body, staying with your breath, allowing that intention to surround your energy field. Now, while still staying with your breath, at your own time and at your own pace, you're going to gently open your eyes, while staying with your breath. How is your heart doing?

Speaker 2: 8:07

I came into this conversation and I've had a day where I feel like my anxiety has been up here. My heart, without me thinking about it, has probably been beating really fast, and I think everything we just did just allowed it to calm I feel the center I felt to calm I feel the center, I felt the calm.

Speaker 1: 8:34

How is my heart?

Speaker 2: 8:35

I'm tired.

Speaker 1: 8:39

I am searching and I know, in due time, that I'll find. So my heart is hopeful, though it's tired.

Speaker 3: 8:54

I know both of these guys are weathering the waves of grief right now and I'd like to just bring the space of how are you caring for self while experiencing the grief and the waves?

Speaker 1: 9:09

that's a very good point. You know, you teach the things and I think I need to give myself grace and give my partner grace. That's what came up for me just now when he asked that question. So I am indirectly affected. It's my husband's family member, but I don't think I've given him much grace. You can make space for more grace, you can make space for more grace.

Speaker 2: 9:47

I think it's interesting you brought up the word grief, because I think there's so many different kinds of grief.

Speaker 2: 9:51

I was just having a conversation today in that I think the deep grief that I'm feeling is not a loss of death, but loss of lives, loss of experiences, loss of things that have just not happened in the ways that I hoped and intended for. Where my life is right now, and I think the way I give myself grace, or that I've tried to, is recognizing and valuing that that is also a form of grief to is recognizing and valuing that that is also a form of grief and that, um, I've been trying to find joy. I'm dancing. Dancing gives me joy and that really has been like a really big piece of, just a part of something that I I really feel like there's something about that that like allows me to not think about the other things, lets me grow in a space, and it lets me be messy and learn something Right. So there's all those pieces that help me to give myself grace, kind of within that grieving of so many things that grieving of so many things.

Speaker 1: 11:09

I smiled because my very first Instagram live was with a remarkable young man that teaches. He's a choreographer and he teaches about showing up authentically through the art of dance, showing up confidently through the art of dance, showing up confidently through the art of dance, not caring about what the person next to you is doing through dance and ultimately finding joy, returning back to self through dance. I think you should go and watch it. He is amazing. He's like why do we? It's the first time anybody's ever cursed on my Instagram. He said why do you have to give an F? So, maya, that's beautiful. It's expression through movement and your brain releases serotonin, which is a feel good hormone. So there's a lot of scientific research that proves what you just expressed. So you keep dancing, girl, and dance like no one's watching.

Speaker 2: 12:13

You know it's funny that you said that, though, because it's kind of the messiness and we talk about this in healing a lot is that it's not right away that I feel so confident in dancing. I actually am like pushing myself to get there, because my problem with dancing is that and someone told me this, and I think that night you and I've had a conversation that is, that I'm overthinking, I'm not just dancing, I'm not feeling it, I'm overthinking because there's a lot it's hand dancing, it's very it's, it's there's specific movements to it, right, like it's. But but that has been my goal is, the joy is when I'm not overthinking it, when I'm in that moment. So I think everything you just said, trudy, I'm like that, that makes sense, like it is that, but you have to get out of your head to to experience it so, trudy Ann, how are you accessing joy?

Speaker 1: 13:13

it's funny because the three of us I'm here and my brain is already moving.

Speaker 2: 13:16

I'm like what in her?

Speaker 1: 13:17

childhood. Look, I definitely about to lean in. How am I accessing joy? So I think I said it earlier, I am accessing joy through community, through connecting. Like I am an extrovert, like, if you look at the word extrovert, nobody looks in dictionaries anymore. But if we had one, let's visualize and you open it and you see the word extrovert. It would say Trudy and Fraser.

Speaker 1: 13:53

There I find joy in seeing somebody else smile. I find joy in connecting, I find joy and laughter in my spirit being lifted and your spirit being lifted, and then we lift and we celebrate together with me because there's such a wonderful synergy and whatever you believe in, whether it's energy or spirit or soul or mind or thought, whatever that looks like a lot of the especially women that I've been connecting with recently have just been these remarkable, kind-spirited, kind spirited creatures that just make my spirit happy and leap and I don't mind showing up whatever that looks like, so that the joy is a little bit more quiet. Recently I haven't been like going out. We did do some travels. That was nice, the beach was amazing. I'd be remiss if I didn't bring that up.

Speaker 3: 15:10

So join community and join travel Beautiful so I know that we spoke before and we talked about the grounding and when we have to make choices in our life and change. So I'll start with you, trudyann, because you were the one that said that that's something that you'd like to. You know, let's converse and share what the experience feels like for you right now, because you're actually in live time, so it's not like something you've processed, you're actually in it right now and I think a lot of times we don't share when we're right in it. So there might be some things that you say right now that's going to help your future self to be able to process through and help people that are going through it right now also to be able to engage with that and not hide it.

Speaker 1: 16:08

It's funny that you said that, because I said I was away last week and I was in Antigua. I started this journal that I've had for almost a year and it's the five-minute journal and it's literally just forcing you to write what you're grateful for, what would make today great. And I forgot the third prompt for the morning and then at night you pretty much reflect on the day. But the art of writing.

Speaker 1: 16:34

I'm lazy, sometimes I don't want to write, or if my hand hurts I think I made reference to my profession If I just finish headlocking a five-year-old and holding a handpiece in my other hand, like my hand hurts. But I do think there's something that I'm missing when I'm not writing, writing out my thoughts, some major life decisions right now, and I think I know let me act like Oprah. What I know for sure is that in order to do what it is that little Trudy Ann, or my inner self, or my truest self, needs, wants and desires, I have to recognize it, accept it and be okay with it and own that joint, as opposed to going with what's expected of me. So I need to write, I need to really sit with myself. In essence, it doesn't necessarily have to be writing for somebody else. It could be just spending time with self, turning off all the crap the Instagram, as I get a Facebook message notification right now Turning off all the distractions and the crap. We're so distracted, so turning off the noise you, madam um, so I'm sorry.

Speaker 2: 18:07

I'm asking to ask the question again because I was caught in everything.

Speaker 3: 18:10

Trudy was saying the question was and that shows that you're in the moment, so you're really listening and deeply listening I asked you know, when we're in a situation where we have to make choices and how we have to ground ourselves because there's going to be significant change, how, how are you? I don't know if presently you're in that. I know Trudy Ann said that she is. I don't know if presently you're in that. I know Trudy Ann said that she is. Yet if you aren't, how are you when you are in those spaces, how are you being able to process those choices?

Speaker 2: 18:54

and, you know, be with yourself. So that's actually like. So it's interesting because I think that's changed over the years. Right, that's part of my learning is that what I used to do is make a lot of lists and a lot of pros and cons and this will happen and that will happen. And actually for me it's almost the opposite of writing a lot.

Speaker 2: 19:17

It's really actually sitting still, like that's when I try to like kind of to what you said, trudy, and like shutting things down, but not to write for me, cause I, I'm always writing, I'm always writing things, I'm always writing notes, I'm always processing things, I'm always overanalyzing things. So I need to shut off those things for me to really be able to know what's the right decision, and what I've tried to do is listen to myself. So, in particular, I had a day today where there were a lot of things that happened and decisions I'm trying to make in terms of what's my next step, of how do I respond to things that are difficult for me emotionally to deal with, and it's like. It's literally like just do nothing, do nothing, sit still. And I am learning to trust myself enough to know that when I sit still, the right direction is almost naturally where I go, direction is almost naturally where I go, because my mind is pointed there or something happens around me that I, that I don't control, that makes me realize that's what I'm supposed to do. But it's been something I've had to learn because I wasn't.

Speaker 2: 20:35

It's very hard for me to sit still and it's very hard for me to be patient, so sitting still requires patience, and those are two things that have been really, really difficult for me in life. But I want to say I really liked that you said we're not in the moment, like we might not realize it in the moment, but we might need that tool later. And I think about how often I go back to even things I've written before on my blog and they take me back to something that I remember about myself that I got through. I appreciate you saying that because it just reminded me. I'm like, yeah, that is really what we do, and I don't know if you ever do that, natana. You go back to your podcast and you hear things that you've said or other people have said and you gather and I'm sure Trudy, and maybe you do too but I just think that's such an important thing to recognize because we're all constantly in this learning space.

Speaker 3: 21:32

And you can't argue your own words, and then you're able to look at context that you couldn't see in the moment and see your resilience, see your capacity, see your growth and have that grace of oh. You handled and went through the messiness. Yet here you are still showing up, even though at the time it felt like everything was caving in or it wasn't possible or just you know that blockage. So I think our own words. I know we tend to want to look at others and hear what they're saying. Yet I think there's a lot of value in listening to your own words because you're the director of your own story and we have to learn to trust ourselves in those choices that we make and that we can better understand our intuition, our guidance and what is needed for ourselves.

Speaker 1: 22:27

Nat, nat, I need you in my life.

Speaker 2: 22:33

You're a new bestie, Nat Nat.

Speaker 3: 22:37

You know, I think you know, I was just on several podcasts just before this and the thing that just kept coming up is, in a world that tells you not to feel angry, not to feel sad, you're a little too happy, you're a little too this. Well, when do you actually get to process your authentic emotions and when do you trust yourself and your biology to process that, when the outside is telling you not to feel those things? So then there becomes this conflict and this separation from self and separation from trusting yourself, and then feeling very awkward when these things and these emotions and energies and these messages are coming up. You want to block it down because somebody outside of you has, you know, taken away your authority and permission and told you that you don't know what you're doing. And I think you know my mission statement is allowing people to validate their experiences so that they can find out exactly where they are on this map and then they can get to where they want to go, because anybody that knows travel if you don't know where you are on the map, you're not going to be able to get to your destination. But you keep rerouting, trying to go places. It's holding space to feel our authentic emotions and not have this narrative that you oughtn't or shouldn't feel this way.

Speaker 3: 24:03

You're human and I think a lot of times with this spirituality it's a lot of disassociation and bypassing the human experience. Just be this spirit that doesn't feel anything, that doesn't let anything impact it where it's like. Well, wasn't I here to traverse the human experience and better understand it? Better understand what these emotions are, better understand my biology and what my needs are, not the needs of others. So I'm going to ask this question how is your relationship with anger?

Speaker 1: 24:40

Does mine have to be anger, or can it be sadness, Because I don't get, for some reason, anger? Actually, I do have an answer to your question. It takes over me so much when I get angry because I don't get angry very often that it actually to de-escalate it. I become sad and I cry.

Speaker 2: 25:01

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 25:03

Because I was like wait, I don't feel angry. Yes, you do, but you're so angry that you just start to bawl.

Speaker 3: 25:11

So the vulnerability feels safe to be seen, because anger is the bodyguard of our vulnerability, of feeling our deeper emotions. Because it goes anger, sadness and then fear. So let me ask you this how is your relationship with fear?

Speaker 1: 25:32

unhealthy, why I want a divorce. But they keep coming back around do you have healthy fear? You're going to have to start sending me these questions before we get on the podcast.

Speaker 3: 25:52

Okay, ma'am, that wouldn't be authentic If you don't have an answer it's fine.

Speaker 1: 25:59

Thought out. So the therapy. I realized that a lot of my actions were based on fear. So a part of my story, and what really, I guess, catapulted me on this journey of building community and connecting with other women, is when I went through my divorce to my first husband.

Speaker 1: 26:32

Well, years later I started dating my now husband and fear crippled me and I remember talking to my therapist then and saying well, how do I know the new guys are going to hurt me. And she said you don't, but what you do know is that you have the tools equipped. She was like you have me, you have um, you have your emotional wheel, that you know how to dive deeper and you just have different tools. Now it's like the first time you put your hand in the fire. Well, next time maybe you put your finger, you coat it with some wax. So when you put it, if you have to, you either don't put it in the fire, but if you do, you coat it, have the protection, or you you know how to navigate um around that. So fear can be crippling, but it's really our nervous system is that limbic system trying to say wait, you don't want to be hurt again, that hurt over there, so don't go over there.

Speaker 1: 27:28

It's trying to protect me. I used to have a fear of my parents like getting into, like them having harm or passing away. I still think I have some of that, but every time they leave my house now I'm not thinking, oh my gosh, did they make it home safely? I don't, I have some of that, but every time they leave my house now I'm not thinking, oh my gosh, did they make it home safely? Um, I don't know where the heck that stems from, but like just controlling my thoughts as opposed to allowing my thoughts to control me, those fearful thoughts that are really just trying to keep me safe and help me not to be sad. So I don't think there's healthy fear, because if that's the case, we'll all go jump off of Mount Sinai thinking we could fly like you know like something silly.

Speaker 1: 28:10

it's the fear that cripples us that we have to really try to to manage. We can't control it, but we can at least manage it and do some of those things scared. I knew that would make you smile, maria. I knew that would make you smile. I love that line. I know I knew that would make you smile go ahead, maria.

Speaker 2: 28:35

So do you want me to answer the first or the second question?

Speaker 2: 28:37

I remember them both now whatever you feel comfortable with. So I anger, so I, I can say I can go right there, I know it. Um, I appreciate, judy, and how you went through that process to to get there, and that says says a lot about how you must show up. Um, I, I have a I can combine these a fear of anger, because I know my ability for anger to take absolute control of me and turn me into someone that I'm not, and it has happened.

Speaker 2: 29:20

I also went through a divorce after 17 years of marriage and it was a damaging marriage and you know, to Dan and I we have very similar stories in that way.

Speaker 2: 29:32

But in that, for me, there was a lot of moments where I was pushed to my breaking point, which was anger, and that anger came out in a way that I was someone that I didn't recognize, and one of the big things that I've tried to do since my divorce and separation is not to become that person again, for my own health, for my children's health, for just the sake of a healthy, happy home, because it wasn't healthy, it wasn't safe.

Speaker 2: 30:11

Because of that to me, and not anger in like a volatile, like physical, I'm, I'm, I'm a words, I'm the words right, the words come out Um. But so I think, because of that, um, I recently discovered what I do with anger is is push it down. Um, so I feel it, I have it, I know it's there, but because I'm so fearful of becoming someone that I can't pull back the way I need to and have control over, I don't even allow myself to fully express nor even acknowledge the anger that real things that deserve anger because they shouldn't happen or they are frustrating and they would anger anyone are are happening in my life. So I I replace those things with humor and sarcasm and avoidance.

Speaker 3: 31:41

Anger is a very strong energy and it hijacks our behavior if we are not able to really listen to what it's protecting. And when we are feeling helpless or we feel that we are being harmed, anger comes up to protect. And if you aren't engaging to acknowledge the helplessness or the harm, then it gets very volatile and wants to project some of that energy out because you're not willing to feel and hear the messages and to feel that sense of helplessness or feel that you've been violated. If we have a narrative that well, you're just supposed to swallow it and just keep pushing. Swallow it and keep pushing. You know your biology is like I can only do that. So, so much that now I'm going to protect you now because you're not taking that authority of protecting yourself.

Speaker 3: 32:32

And so I think you know, a lot of times with anger it isn't presented in the proper way, it's all in the way of you shouldn't be doing this and you shouldn't be doing that rather than. Well, why were you doing it? So that you can access a healthy relationship with anger rather than suppressing some more? And then, when it gets too much suppression what happens with yep big explosion gets too much suppression. What happens with yep big explosion. So anybody, you know pressure cooker if you don't let that simmer steam out, it's going to explode. So the fear builds up on it. And yeah, of course, when we've made mistakes and we showed up in a way that it's like who the heck was that character. That's not how I want to show up. It's also not separating yourself from that Cause. I have many stories where I've shown up in my parenting and other relationships and I'm like gosh. It's having grace with myself of what was causing the anger to feel that it needed to protect self of what was causing the anger to feel that it needed to protect.

Speaker 2: 33:41

So can I say, I didn't know if you sorry, I don't know if you were going to say something, but I wanted to just speak to that because I think, when, when you said that, what I realized, though, is that part of that level of anger which I'm learning, because I never even now, when I do have anger, if I have had opportunities to finally express it, it never becomes that person. So it wasn't just that I had that. I think what I'm learning about myself slowly, and giving myself grace for combining all these thoughts that we're talking about right is the fact that, like part of the level of the anger and the way that it was coming out not the level, I think the way that that anger was, um was manifesting, was because of the lack of safety in the space that I was in. So now, when I have allowed for that anger to come out, when I have vented something out of I've, I've, I've said what I needed to say, um, you know, I have a safe place, like just a small thing, right, like my son, I, I gave him a couple of directions. He was at home and I gave him a couple directions and like, went to work and worked a long day and came home and those two things weren't done and I was very angry because I didn't have dishes to be able to be clean enough to feed the kids and have the things ready for my other children when they came home. And I was frustrated and I sent him like this angry, angry text right, he's at work. And his response back to me was like I'm at work, I'm also working. I did this, I did as much as I could before I left, kind of thing, right, and I realized, as he said, that I was like man, like I really attacked him and the next message back from him was I'm sorry if I sounded harsh, I'm sorry if I sounded like I snapped at you, I'll come home and do it all Right.

Speaker 2: 35:32

Like it was this safety that we both have created for each other in some of the time that we built. But like three years ago, that safety would not have been present between the two of us and it wouldn't have been present, for certain, in my married home. But I think, like just thinking of what you said, that it was okay for me to be angry. It was okay for me to express exactly what I was feeling because it was safe enough to do it. And that's the key to things. It's like that's where you have to really think about your environment, and I think that's part of the work that I do. It's like assessing, like if the space you're in does not give you the safety to authentically be yourself, that's when we have to reassess where we are and whether or not that is the right environment.

Speaker 1: 36:24

Exactly For you. That's beautiful Maria. How old is your son? Like 17?

Speaker 2: 36:28

Well, that son is turning 22 next week.

Speaker 1: 36:33

Well, I want to pause and commend you because, girl, we are all trying to figure this thing out, man, and when you're a mom and still trying to figure it out, and then you have to raise this responsible human, like what the heck? But it sounds to me like you're raising a very emotionally intelligent human, a very emotionally intelligent human. So, in the midst of the mess, your kids are getting a remarkable message.

Speaker 2: 37:06

Thank you for saying that, and I would say that was definitely one of those moments where, you know, when we give ourselves grace, it's because we get these like these little glimmers right, like all this, this stuff I've been doing. I'm sure, trudan, you've had moments right like that where, like, it's like these glimmers of like, okay, what I, what I'm doing, is actually working, it impacts it right and yeah, and it it motivates you to keep moving forward.

Speaker 3: 37:38

Yeah, raise a son that can take the accountability and acknowledge his behavior and not project it on you, and then acknowledge that you asked for help and he didn't show up in the way, but he will, cause that's a big, big thing for for mothers to ask for help and then it doesn't come, that rage and frustration is a default. I call it the neurotic mom. So, and the twins are like, oh, the neurotic mom's out. I'm like, yeah, why can't you? Just because we just become overwhelmed because we have so many to-do lists and want things in order and yada, yada, um, yet you know, asking for that help and then holding space that it may not be provided.

Speaker 3: 38:24

Yet, like you said, you're displaying what communication looks like. It's not always peaceful, it's messy, and yet when we can pause and take accountability and acknowledgement, that's that. So you're rewiring it and it's beautiful and thank you for sharing that for you know, myself to a reminder, and also for whoever else is listening, for them to have that grace, cause we want to be perfect at everything and make it seem like, you know, we're the New York times bestseller and we have all the answers and yada, yada, where it's like, well, actually life is messy and that's what makes you a New York Times bestseller. By and not everybody reveals these little parts that are of life, just these. You know big parts, but it's these little parts that create our journey and our experience. This is the process. It's very challenging at times.

Speaker 1: 39:22

So my next question yeah, you didn't talk about your anger and your fear. Wait a minute. Oh, my anger and my fear.

Speaker 3: 39:31

I have a good relationship with anger. I let anger come out. As you heard at the beginning of this, if I have to tell some people some clots or whatever. Yet my anger has, I have a better relationship with it. At one time it would hijack my behavior, especially in my parenting Hi, um and uh. I better understand why the anger was there.

Speaker 3: 40:05

Because of the fear and the helplessness and the the pain that was in within me, because when I had the childhood trauma, um, as a child, I put myself as an other, outside of humanity, like I didn't belong, and so coming back into that and feeling that I have worth and that I matter was a whole relationship. And then to face that anger and to come into feeling the threat and feeling the wounds and coming into sitting in worth, not just intellectualizing it of like I'm worthy, actually sitting in it and embodying it and that being my identity, not me having to tell myself that I'm that, Even though when I get dysregulated I'll have to, like, use my tools, like wait, wait, what are you feeling? What do you need to process? And let the body express. Um, so yeah, like in the fear. I have a very healthy relationship with fear. That's why I can do the work that I do with people of you know. Let it come out and and what is it? Why is it there? What is it activating? What are the undercurrents? Because a lot of people are just looking at, okay, the anxiety or the fear, the sadness is like. What are the undercurrents? That's not being shown. What is the authentic emotion? Because most of us feel are secondary emotions, not the authentic.

Speaker 3: 41:32

And it's like when you can be that authentic, like you said, you know, oh, all of a sudden, when I express anger in a safe place, I don't have to take these behaviors or do a freak out. Yet when we aren't safe, it just shows that our biology is always protecting us. It may not show up the way that we would like it to, and it's very messy and then we have to apologize. Very messy and then we have to apologize. And it's also recognizing for myself. You know, in my parenting role, I'll disconnect from my children. You cannot stay in connection all the time. A nervous system does not stay connected all the time with people. It's about the repair how are you repairing it and how fast are you repairing it? And that takes acknowledging of my own actions.

Speaker 3: 42:17

So how I parented with my 29 year old is much different than I parent with the 14 year olds now and I take accountability for my actions, which I didn't do with the 29 year old.

Speaker 3: 42:28

I did after, when I had my awakening, and apologized and gave him that apology of I did a lot of things in your childhood that you didn't deserve and that was my stuff, so that he could you know I did a lot of things in your childhood that you didn't deserve and that was my stuff, so that he could you know I could give back his sovereign being and not doubt himself that I must have did something wrong because mom was this way or that way to make sense. So it's been a journey and it's still a journey. I still have to engage with it when it comes up and I understand the anger when it comes up. It's that helpless little girl that was abused and felt violated and didn't feel protected, that, oh, I got to protect when these emotions and it's like wait, wait, I'm here, so let's feel this out and process it. Thank you for the question that was perfect.

Speaker 1: 43:17

My intention for the, or the intention that I said when you asked us to, was I'm worthy and I am enough. So you brought it out.

Speaker 3: 43:31

I love the synergy. I love the synergy. Are you willing to share your intention?

Speaker 2: 43:39

my intention? Yes, please, truthfully and honestly. I think I had so much going on. I don't ever remember exactly what it was. Fine, that's the truth.

Speaker 1: 43:51

You were regulating yourself, so I had to show up.

Speaker 3: 43:54

that's the truth. You were regulating yourself, so I had to show up. That's your intention.

Speaker 2: 44:00

That was it. Yeah, it was show up. I think that's it right. Honestly, that was it. That was just show up and you're going to be okay. I think, given the day I had, I wasn't sure how I was going to show up to this conversation. The day I had, I wasn't sure how I was going to show up to this conversation and then I was going to be as present as I needed to be and it's fully honest, as I needed to be and that was kind of my intention is like just show up and be you and you'll be okay.

Speaker 1: 44:33

Right, I want to respond to that net net. Sorry, listeners, for my high, high-pitched voice. I was like I got it net. You're in safe spaces, it's okay to just be. I would have taken you today with one eye, one nose and a half, a mouth and a piece of earring, because you are enough Just the way you are. We are taught by the external world that if it's not perfect, if we're not perfect, if we don't have it all together, the perception of it all together, then we are not enough. And then, unfortunately, many of us put that pressure on ourselves and it causes us to overthink things and before we act, before we say yeah, be considerate and think about others. But some of us overanalyze. I've been guilty of it at times. I don't do it often, but I've been guilty of it. But you are enough just the way you are. Glasses on, lip gloss on or off, whatever that looks like.

Speaker 2: 46:02

And that's the beauty of being accepted and being in a safe space.

Speaker 1: 46:07

I think it's also trusting yourself too right, yep?

Speaker 2: 46:09

What did you say, maya? I think, when you come down to this worthiness and thinking of the root, right, what's the root? It's because I don't fully trust myself. When that happens, when I question my worthiness. And thinking of the root, right, what's the root? It's it's because I don't fully trust my like, when I, when that happens, when I question my worthiness, whether or not I can show up Cause I I've become at a place where I don't as much anymore. I think it really comes down to trusting myself, and that is the biggest challenge, I think, in this journey of understanding yourself is trusting yourself it's huge.

Speaker 3: 46:44

It's huge because we're told not to trust ourselves and that you know how we're going to show up is going to be different and we don't have the curiosity to allow ourselves to trust and that ability to show up with whatever we have to be. Yeah, you know, I appreciate the vulnerability that we are all getting into and allowing others to get into their vulnerability and create these safe circles, because I think you know that, like I said, my, my intention with lift oneself has been healing and safety and when we create conversations like that, where we feel safe, that we can be all together. So I'm mindful of time and I just want to allow each of you to let the listeners know where they can find you and what you have to offer. So we'll start off with Trudy Ann. Go ahead, what you have to offer. So we'll start off with Trudy Ann Go ahead.

Speaker 1: 47:54

First of all, thank you, thank you and thank you. I can be found on Instagram and on Facebook at Dr Trudy Ann. That's D-R-T-R-U-D-Y-A-N-N and my baby, my community, the offering that I have. I've actually partnered with the most beautiful soul. Her name is Dr Tamiya Campbell and we are co-hosting the next Rejuve Wellness Retreat. It's for women and the next one is in the Blue Ridge Mountains, which is in Georgia, the part that's in Georgia, november 7th through the 10th, and it's really just this Nat, nat and Maria.

Speaker 1: 48:37

We believe that vulnerability begets vulnerability and the women that show up and help co-create such a beautiful, safe, connected space. It allows for healing and, ultimately, transformation of literally every woman that has come on these retreats. So just really thankful for the opportunity. I think I made reference to it earlier that it stemmed from my desire to have a community. Going through my divorce at 13, which is young and not knowing where to turn, I it was a seed with planted in my heart that if I'm going through this, then someone else is going through it as well. And I truly believe in the African proverb that you go fast by yourself, but if you want to go far, you go in community and I'll add to it for the first time you go far in a safe community.

Speaker 3: 49:38

Thank you and, for the listeners, all of that will be in the show notes so you will be able to click and get in contact with trudy right away. Maria, would you let the listeners know where they can find you, and especially your podcast too?

Speaker 2: 49:52

yeah, thank you.

Speaker 2: 49:54

Thank you so much for this opportunity and for dr trudy and for for sharing your story as well, and this has been a beautiful conversation and so um, cathartic and healing, so I'm really appreciative of the space and the intentionality you put forth with it.

Speaker 2: 50:11

So I am Maria, but I'm also Brown Girl Interrupting, so you can follow me on Instagram, tiktok, facebook as Brown Girl Interrupting and please follow my blog. I write so all of the things I've kind of processed here, as well as so much more. I write about it and I've written about this journey. So if you are someone who's on this journey, just coming to it, been within it, wherever you are, you probably gain some gem or some piece to take away through my understanding of what I've processed as a mother, in relationships, in dating and healing, through my culture of just being a brown girl and a daughter of immigrants all of it, and that's at wwwbrowngirlinterruptingcom. But in addition, I have a podcast called Pain to Power, which has actually also already featured Dr Trudy Ann in this past season three and it will be featuring NatNet in season four, which I'm very excited for.

Speaker 2: 51:11

It is on Sundays at 9 pm on my YouTube channel, brown Girl Interrupting, and also, if you have a Roku TV, you can see past episodes through our channel, which is the I Rant channel on Roku, and there is BGI TV, which has past episodes through our channel, which is the I rant channel on Roku, and there is BGI TV, which has past episodes. I'm in season three right now, so tune in every Sunday. Please make sure that you like comment, share all of your thoughts when you do, and so thank you again so much for being on this platform and for allowing me to share a little bit of my story and help me heal today.

Speaker 3: 51:47

You're welcome and again, it'll all be in the show notes and you know, as she said, you know, like share comment, it helps to grow the space of these kind of conversations. Now I'm just going to ask each of you what would you like to leave the listeners?

Speaker 2: 52:05

I think and you alluded to it already, but I think healing is a very complex, messy space to be in and there's a lot of different moments that you're going to discover different things about yourself. I call it an evolution for that reason, not a journey, because I think you're constantly evolving. So what I leave for you as listeners, and for everyone, is give yourself grace and be prepared for things to let go, to let go of expectation, to let go of desires, like. Just let yourself be an experience in the process and I promise you'll get to where you're trying to get to in coming to understanding yourself better. And that's really the power. The power is knowing who you are and believing it. Right, like to the end said that, believing it, that's what I leave it at, I'd like to leave um.

Speaker 1: 53:20

Probably the mantra and affirmation I am worthy, I am enough. Trials come to pass, they do not come to stay.

Speaker 3: 53:39

And in the same breath, you are worthy and you are enough, and this too shall pass thank you so much for such an enriching, safe dialogue and connection and conversation that we were able to relieve our naked truth and be held in safety with it. So so I thank you for this conversation. I hope you guys will come back again so that we can do some more deep dives, because I love how we can just jump off of each other and just go deeper and also support each other, to remind each other of our empowerment and how we are actually doing the work rather than thinking we're not doing the work. So thank you so much and, like I said to the listeners, all of their information will be in the show notes. Please reach out to them. They have great content, they bring on great guests and they have so much to offer. And that retreat in November is something that, if it came into your head, jump on it. You know community is what helps us heal in such profound ways. So thank you for being here, ladies, and I just want to remind you to please remember to be kind to yourself. You matter. Hey, you made it all the way here. I appreciate you and your time.

Speaker 3: 55:08

If you found value in this conversation, please share it out. If there was somebody that popped into your mind. Take action and share it out with them. It possibly may not be them that will benefit. It's that they know somebody that will benefit from listening to this conversation. It's that they know somebody that will benefit from listening to this conversation. So please take action and share out the podcast. You can find us on social media on Facebook, instagram and TikTok under Lift One Self, and if you want to inquire about the work that I do and the services that I provide to people, come over on my website, come into a discovery call Liftoneselfcom. Until next time, please remember to be kind and gentle with yourself. You matter.