Overcoming Life's "38 Triple D": A Story of Resilience

Losing a spouse, navigating single parenthood, and managing a disability, all before the age of 38 – Michaela's story is one of resilience and empowerment. On this episode of the Lift One Self podcast, we sit down with Michaela, a remarkable author and speaker, who courageously shares her journey through life's "38 triple D" – disability, divorce, and death. Her insights offer a roadmap from mere survival to truly thriving, even amidst the most challenging circumstances.

We explore the nuanced and often difficult balance of parenting through grief, as Michaela recounts her experience of supporting her two young children through the loss of their father. Through her candid storytelling, we learn the importance of modeling appropriate emotional responses and the power of self-compassion. Michaela's story underscores that grief is an unpredictable journey, but shared experiences can provide immense comfort and guidance.

In the face of adversity, Michaela exemplifies the significance of self-care and personal empowerment. Her journey highlights the necessity of asking for help, self-advocacy, and crafting life on one's own terms. Whether it's maintaining an abundant mindset or equipping oneself with essential tools, Michaela’s strategies for overcoming life's challenges offer valuable lessons for anyone striving to lead a fulfilling and resilient life. Join us for an episode filled with wisdom, strength, and practical advice for navigating the complex landscape of grief, disability, and single parenthood.

Learn more about Michaela Cox here:
https://www.myheartfeltmeditations.com/

Chapters

• 0:00 Navigating Grief and Joy After Loss
• 8:54 Parenting Through Grief and Loss
• 19:01 Navigating Parenting, Disability, and Grief
• 28:06 Empowering Redefinition in Adversity
• 33:40 The Importance of Self-Care and Equipping

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome to the Lift One Self podcast.

Speaker 2: 0:03

I am your host, Nat Nat, and today I am joined by Welcome to the Lift One Self podcast, where we break mental health stigmas through conversations. I'm your host, nat Nat, and we dive into topics about trauma and how it impacts the nervous system. Yet we don't just leave you there. We share insights and tools of self-care, meditation and growth that help you be curious about your own biology. Your presence matters. Please like and subscribe to our podcast. Help our community grow. Let's get into this. Oh, and please remember to be kind to yourself.

Speaker 1: 0:56

Michaela and Michaela, would you be so gracious to introduce yourself to the listeners and myself, and let us know a little bit more about who you are.

Speaker 3: 1:01

Yeah, sure Can do that, and thank you for having me. By the way, I'm grateful to be here. I am an author and a speaker. I write on a variety of topics that interest me. My like to feel like the reason why I have a message and a story to share is because I can share what I've learned, and I've learned a lot because I have had to travel the journey of what I call 38 triple d not what you think, um. That is taking me from going from lifelong disability of legal blindness, divorce at age 26 in 2005, and then death of a beloved husband in 2017. I've been traveling the journey ever since of widowhood and single parenting of my two kids, and so I would like to think that I can help people in their own journey to be empowered to go from surviving to thriving.

Speaker 1: 2:08

Wow, I can see that there's going to be a lot of depth to our conversation. Before we go there, would you be willing to join me in a meditation so we can ground ourselves in our breath and take a mindful moment? And again, the listeners. You know my safety spiel. Most of you listen to this podcast while driving. So, safety first, do not close your eyes. When I ask you myself and Michaela yet the other prompts you're able to follow and I hope that you'll take this mindful moment for yourself. So, michaela, when you are ready, I'm going to ask you to get comfortable in your seating and you're going to gently close your eyes and you're going to begin breathing in and out through your nose. You're not going to try and control your breath. You're just going to bring your awareness to watching your breath and the rhythm, allowing it to bring you in your body.

Speaker 1: 3:08

By now, there may be some sensations or feelings coming up in the body, and that's okay. Let them come up. You're safe to feel. You're safe to let go, surrender the need to control, release the need to resist and just be. Be with your breath, drop deeper into your body. I know there may be some thoughts or a voice in your mind, that's okay. Gently bring your awareness back to your breath, creating a space between the awareness and the thoughts and going deeper into your body, keeping that awareness. I'm watching your breath, observing it Again. Some thoughts probably popped up.

Speaker 1: 4:07

Gently bring your awareness back to your breath, beginning again creating more space between the awareness and your thoughts and going deeper into your body keeping that awareness on your breath, your body, keeping that awareness on your breath Now, while still staying with your breath, at your own time and at your own pace. You're going to gently open your eyes while staying with the breath. How is your heart doing? Oh, I'm good. So, before we grounded ourselves in the breath, you mentioned a lot of heavy life experiences that you've had to traverse. Yet I know some of the listeners are like let's go back to this 38 triple D. What does that mean, since you said it's not what we think it is?

Speaker 3: 5:03

It's just. It was a clever, quick way of describing all three of the major things that I've gone through or still dealing with, like the disability, divorce and death by the age of 38, because I was 38 when my husband passed away in 2017. So all three by the age of 38.

Speaker 1: 5:20

Oh, wow, so you're able to really capture it in a hooky statement. You mentioned, you know the grief of being a widow. What did that look like for you and what does it look like right now? And have you allowed yourself to feel joy? Has joy allowed been allowed to come back in that you can receive it? Has joy been allowed to come back in that you?

Speaker 3: 5:45

can receive it. It's a process. You kind of have to be in that space of that journey to understand the next statement. It's an and both. You have joy, but you either allow it to come in or, depending on what you're feeling in the moment, maybe not all the way in, but different aspects here, like bringing joy, and then even in the places where you find joy, it's usually an and both, because it's, in some ways, will be forever tainted by the twinge of. But this, it's not one simple thing anymore yeah, and you mentioned you have children.

Speaker 1: 6:19

Yes, are they from this, this husband or the previous?

Speaker 3: 6:23

No, I only have two children from my husband that passed away. Their father passed away when they were six and three, so not the youngest, but pretty young in life to have to experience such a thing. Yeah.

Speaker 1: 6:37

How has that been as a parent? You know going through your own emotions, yet having to hold space for these two little humans going into a reality that is just, you know, a nightmare, and having to hold those big emotions for them, and you know cultivating that space. How has that looked like in the journey?

Speaker 3: 7:10

like in the journey. Grief is grief is grief. But what makes grief different from someone else's grief is how you come to it, why you come to it, what caused it, blah, blah, blah All the external factors. That usually lands us in grief. It's not worse, it's not better, it's just a different journey.

Speaker 3: 7:22

There's a big difference between and I don't want to take anyone from their own experience, but there's a big difference between when you've lived your whole life with someone even though, no matter how long we're with our person, there's never enough time and your kids are grown versus you're a young not a young mom I was 38, but young in the sense of you have still babies at home.

Speaker 3: 7:42

You know what I mean. They're not grown, and so I knew, the moment that I found out that my husband was gone, that it had to be all about them, and that's what I put a lot of my time and energy into, and so I think my journey has been prolonged and my grief is because for so long, I just put all my energy into doing what I had to do to take care of them. I just put all my energy into doing what I had to take care of them. I've been able to grieve in little spurts here and there on my own time when they're not really around, meaning at friends' houses or whatever you know busy. They're older now, so I get more freedom and more space for myself.

Speaker 3: 8:25

Like I said, when John, my husband died they were six and three, and that was seven and a half years ago, almost in October. So now they are a big 14 and 11, which makes a lot of difference as far as if anyone who's a motherhood knows that in each of your seasons or your motherhood you have more options or different situations, as opposed to when they're babies or infants or toddlers. Versus now I've got a preteen and a teenager, so it kind of changes the equation of what I'm able to do or not do.

Speaker 1: 8:54

Yeah, have you been able to express the grief in front of them?

Speaker 3: 9:02

I would say better when they're older, and it's I don't want to say surface, because grief has never surfaced, but more of a conversational piece, like I remember being told by we lived in New Hampshire at the time when Don died and we moved back to Louisiana.

Speaker 3: 9:17

Well, I moved back to Louisiana, they moved to Louisiana for the first time, which is where I'm at currently that there's a good chance their grief would be delayed which I found that to be true and that the way you can help them as a parent is to show your own grief in um ways and proportions that would be child size, that they could take on, you know, big emotions. But I tried that and it seemed to only upset them. So then I made the decision I don't know if a psychiatrist or a psychologist would agree with this that I would keep my personal grief to myself so that I could just be there for them and let them have their own journey, and not I don't want to. I don't think they would say that I complicated theirs, but I just figured it was better to keep mine separate and let them focus on theirs. Yeah, I don't know if that was the right way to do it or not, but I took my cues from my kids and that's how I came to that decision.

Speaker 1: 10:11

Yeah, I don't think there's ever any right or wrong. It's finding what works for you to be able to still continually show up in life. You know, everybody can give the right remedy or the right way to do things. Yet if we don't have the tools neither, how are we supposed to know what is going on? And I think sometimes, with grief, it's more easier to be distracted and caring for somebody else than to actually feel what we're going through.

Speaker 1: 10:38

And as parents yes, absolutely yeah. And as parents and as mothers, we're taught to be, be super women, like we're put on this back shelf and we're, you know, given a bit of this kind of kool-aid to be like, so absorbed in the children. And I think for myself, like I was there and I had to learn also that I have to model how it is to be human in front of my children. I have to show what I do with my big emotions, because internally they can feel that something's going on, yet I'm just masking it, so their nervous system can feel like something feels off, yet you're portraying that everything's okay. So then that gives, you know, a bit of a conflict. And so for me it's been a difficult thing, because it's like to express my emotions or feel my emotions.

Speaker 1: 11:33

I don't know where that may go and, like you said, it has to be appropriate to the child in front of you. I don't think age, because some, you know, four-year-olds are much more mature than a 10 year old and some 10 year olds are less immature. So I think it depends on who's the you know what child is in front of you and what the interaction is, and allow there to be messiness. I don't know. We think, as parents, we're supposed to have it all together and it's like we're gonna make mistakes, like we don't have a. You think, as parents, we're supposed to have it all together and it's like we're going to make mistakes, like we don't have a handbook to even understand ourselves and now hold a space for children and all that.

Speaker 3: 12:14

Which makes it even more complicated. I'm like, yeah, there is no manual for this. You better write your own, because it's the only one you're going to get.

Speaker 1: 12:21

Yeah, you got to, you know, make it work for you get. Yeah, you gotta, you know, make it work for you. And then, once there's things that you know that we can, you know, go into more depth within ourselves, it's like, okay, that's where the change will be and I'll hold myself accountable. Yet I also have to be aware of my mental health and my my well being, that I still have to be responsible in this role as a parent. So I don't think there is a right way, and I think a lot of times, parents beat themselves up for creating what they needed to create in the space of what they need to, and the whole reason why I created this podcast is to have conversations like this, to remove the stereotype of judgment and perfection and knowing where it is.

Speaker 1: 13:06

It's like sharing our stories. Sometimes we made mistakes and it's like I want to give you the Coles notes not to do what I did, because this is what happened in the results and other people can share what they went through. Yet it's all in connecting us as humans and knowing what our experience is and sharing them without you know this space of judgment, and I thank you for being that author and sharing these stories like doing that alchemy, taking those impurities and turning them into gold, and not just keeping them for yourself, sharing them with other people because you're still living this. It's not like something that happened and it goes away.

Speaker 3: 13:44

No, it doesn't it's always yeah, it's not a convenient checklist like, okay, that's it, we're done. No, we'd like to think it can be as simple as putting it in a box and we checked it off. No, grief is not as contained or conveniently not as messy as we would prefer it to be. And there's, I like to say it's actually a boomerang that likes to knock you on your ass. But you know at times, but it is what it is and it has this ebb and flow and you know, whatever it's a lot of complication and yet it's that simple and yet it's not. I mean, like in instance, with my kids. I mean when John died, megan was in.

Speaker 3: 14:31

My daughter was in school in New Hampshire. She was in first grade that year and this was in April, so she was finishing up her first grade year. I mean I found out on the East Coast time at nine o'clock at night what had happened. Six, six, thirty in the the morning I was up making breakfast and getting ready for school like nothing had happened. Um, I should have gotten an Oscar for that performance, but you know, that's my point. So when they were younger, I did a lot of. I looked for the niches and spaces where it may have been five minutes or if they were away for the weekend, then I really delved into it. But if not, then I just went on about my business and did what I had to do and waited until something came up with them.

Speaker 3: 15:15

And then, like I said, it's been more conversational in our household, especially as it's gotten older. Like I've always taught them that you always have a right to your feelings, you're entitled to them and we can process them in this house. And you know I'm a huge advocate of counseling. I've even told my therapist I don't live paycheck to paycheck, I live counseling to counseling session. So I mean my kids know that I'm not afraid of counseling. I highly recommend it if you want to be a sane, human individual. My opinion you know.

Speaker 3: 15:44

So my daughter has one and you know I have no problem. If my son wants one at some point, then he'll have one and we'll be a better, hopefully adjusted, family with therapy, you know. But and they know that no topic is off limits in this house we can always talk about it. Questions, anything about their dad or anything about their grief is always welcome in this household. So, while I don't necessarily share mine, because I just think it does better for my kids. They need to see me stable and now I do process mine and they know I value self-care and they know I do things for mine. But it doesn't mean I necessarily have to clue them in on it, other than I miss dad or we'll talk about funny stories or stuff like that. But they know I'm not afraid of it and they know that we can always discuss and have an open conversation yeah so how is the emotion anger?

Speaker 3: 16:42

I don't. Everyone told me I would be angry at some point and, oddly enough, I've never really been angry. Um, I've been more angry at the situation and the fallout from it than I was the actual event in question okay, yeah, it's, it's.

Speaker 1: 17:01

You know, it's an emotion and it not everybody's going to have it. So that's why I asked, so that people can hear it Like, yeah, I didn't feel it. And, for those that don't feel it, that they can feel a little normalized because everybody's telling them they should or they are going to or whatnot. Again, it's your experience, so be validated in your experience.

Speaker 3: 17:23

And I knew that would be the case, and everyone kept saying, oh, you'll find it at some point. No, I won't, and I haven't really in seven and a half years and I don't think I ever will. At the event in question, but I have been frustrated and angry at the fallout that came from it, like I'm having to live in Louisiana not where I like to be and around certain people where I don't like to be, and it makes my life more challenging when it's already challenging enough, as is, and my kids are missing out, and he's missing out, and you know just all the things, and it's and both, and it puts me in positions that I don't want to be in. I never wanted to be here, but I am so more of that stuff than it was actually at said person in question or said events in question.

Speaker 1: 18:07

Yeah and that, and you know, thank you for elaborating on that, because that probably gave some verbiage to others that are going through the same experience and couldn't pinpoint. You know what you separate, what it is that you're feeling and the reason for it, and not just placing everything on the death, because I think sometimes people want to do an all at one and this is just all because of this and it's like no, no, no, this is compartmentalized and there's some complexity, so separate what is it actually that's being activated in this, and not just putting it all on one thing, because then that just becomes too confusing. You know, our lives are complex and they have different parts to them. The way that we feel With the disability how has that been navigating as a parent?

Speaker 3: 19:01

it was a lot easier when John was alive, when I had backup and a partner. But, um, that's probably one of my frustrations is because, I mean, parenting is hard enough in and of itself and grief is hard enough in and of itself, but let's add the trifecta here. I mean, I've said it before, I've known people that have lost. I mean, we're never getting out of this life alive. So we've all experienced grief at some point. We'll probably experience it again, you know.

Speaker 3: 19:23

But I know people that have lost people and go through grief. I've known people that have been disabled. I've known people that have been divorced. I've may have known two people, a couple people that I have, two or three I'm quite sure that they're somewhere on this planet of 8 billion people or whatever we're at, that have experienced all three in a lifetime. I don't in no way think I'm the exception, but when I say this, I mean in my personal, everyday sphere of knowledge and experience and connection with the people in my life and sphere, there's no one that's gone through all three, and dang sure not by the age of 38.

Speaker 3: 20:01

So it kind of makes it interesting. I can talk to divorced people. I can talk to divorced people. I can talk to other people that are widows, I can talk to people that are disabled, but not all three, and it just makes extra complications on something that's already complicated. And in a way it's the same thing, because I've always struggled with disability and I've always had to deal with it, so I've had a lot of practice. And the same thing because I've always struggled with disability and I've always had to deal with it, so I've had a lot of practice and I just use what I've always used to help me get through it and move it to the next area of life, of being a mom with two kids and no husband. But it still doesn't mean it doesn't make it challenging at times.

Speaker 1: 20:39

Is it difficult for you to ask for help?

Speaker 3: 20:42

Yeah, I got over that a long time ago.

Speaker 3: 20:44

Okay, okay, because some people don't, they still I know having a disability forced me to get over that a long time ago, or I wouldn't have been able to do all that I did, you know, because I get why people are afraid of it. I get why people don't want to do it. I get why they don't like it, but all you're doing is doing, as an adult or wherever you're at in your journey in your life, what you teach your kids to do it. I get why they don't like it, but all you're doing is doing, as an adult or wherever you're at in your journey in your life, what you teach your kids to do.

Speaker 3: 21:08

When you have a problem or a question in school and you want to learn something, you're right. You're saying, hey, what's this? I mean, that's all you're doing. It doesn't mean anything. You're just getting what you need to do, what you really want to do it's actually better to do it and showing that you're not afraid. So you're actually showing to be a stronger person than someone who's willing to just be. Well, because I don't want to ask a question, I'm going to stay right where I'm at with crap in my hand that I can't fix. I mean, whatever, get over it. Sorry, I know that sounds witchy, but it's true, who gets that? I got it a long time ago.

Speaker 1: 21:40

Yeah, yeah, and thank you for being very direct, because I think that's you know, in a society where everybody's it accomplished and gain nothing that you don't already have and you have nothing to lose and just if you ask one question, you'll probably either get what you need or you'll get pointed in a direction to help you figure it out. And then go on about your business.

Speaker 3: 22:16

Whatever, very well said. Very well said. Sorry, I like I got over that stuff a long time ago, or you know, if I hadn't't, I would have never had all the accommodations I needed, from kindergarten through grad school. I never would have gotten through high school, college, grad school with honors when I should not have been able to have honors. I would have done all the things I did, made things happen when the world excuse my French sure as hell is not going to give it to a disabled person. You know it comes down to choices. You're going to be a victim or a victor, and you can either stay at it or you don't, but it's your choice at the end of the day. And don't tell me well, I don't want to make a choice, but you're still making a choice. So, and the choices that you do or don't do, whichever path you choose to do or not, do you're still stringing together a series of choices that's going to land you in a destination or not.

Speaker 1: 23:01

So you might as well choose what you want as I, as I said at the beginning, um, in our conversation it's about processing the shit and a lot of people they're like I don't have any shit in my life and it's like, okay, everybody has some and you haven't lived yeah.

Speaker 1: 23:23

So it's like process the shit so that you know your garden can have the the nutrients that it needs and not everything is glory and and open and vibrant. There's shit that needs to be processed. Yet if you don't process it then you're going to be buried under it and you don't want that. So it's being able to hold space and you know you're very empowered. Not many people know how to say ask for help. Some of them are even those without disability. They don't realize that that's a superpower also to ask for help, to be able to use.

Speaker 3: 24:01

You have to advocate for yourself.

Speaker 1: 24:05

And many don't know how to do that.

Speaker 3: 24:07

Well, it's advocacy, but then in this case, it's just advocating for yourself and saying you know what? My life would go a lot better right now if I had A, b, c and D. Okay, well, go find it and go get it and then move on about it and do what you want. Do you really want to let whatever you're trying to do or accomplish or get done be stopped just because you're?

Speaker 1: 24:31

afraid to open up your mouth and use your voice and say blah, blah, blah to somebody and if you don't get it the first time, go somewhere else. Yeah, well said, well said. I want to bring you into a reflective question. I want to ask you to bring this awareness right now and to go back to your 18 year old self, and you have three words yeah, it was. And you have three words to tell that 18 year old self, to carry them through the journey to right now. What would those words?

Speaker 3: 24:59

be. Oh god, that was before a lot of stuff other than my disability. I just entered college and hadn't gone and dated the guy that I was getting a divorce from, so I was pretty free and not a lot of baggage. I mean some, but not as much compared to, like I said, 38 and then some. I'm a writer, keep that in mind. I generally write books that are 50, 60, 75, over 100,000 word books. So I'm not known for my shortness, so three words is book. So I'm not known for my shortness, so three words is challenging. I'm like, how do I squeeze that into three words? I'm like I can give you five or ten.

Speaker 3: 25:33

I'm like it basically boils down to what I would say has been my process that I learned at an early age with disability, and then I applied it to divorce and then I've been applying it to grief and loss and it came out of a conversation. I've been applying it to grief and loss and it came out of a conversation I had with someone else, with something else I do in my life um grace going, um finding grace through grief. Um, it's a five-step process of being grounded and then you have your redesign, and I'll explain all this in a minute. You have your abundance, you have your care and you have your equippedounding is I don't know your background or your audience background, but I can only speak for me and, like I said, I'm not here with all the answers. I can only share what I know and what's worked for me. Take what you will of it and apply it. Each journey is different. My obstacles and challenges have been mine. They aren't going to be someone else's and theirs aren't going to be mine. But the why I think this has served me well, what we're fixing to talk through, is because overcoming is overcoming is overcoming. Adversity is adversity. Yes, there are complicities and idiosyncrasies to a different one from another. But when you make the choice back to the choices thing to decide to figure it out and deal with it and overcome it, then you're doing the exact same thing, whether you're overcoming a medical thing, a personal relationship thing, a disability, whatever, fill in the blank. And so it's universal and can work for anybody, no matter what they're going through. It's just you may have to tweak it to suit the ins and outs of your own.

Speaker 3: 27:07

So I come from a place of being raised in the Christian faith. I am a woman of faith. I'm a very strong believer. I've been more of a believer in my life than I haven't. I came to it at a young age and I'm I personally think that's the path. I'm not saying it's the path for everyone, but that is my path and I do believe in it. So for me, my faith and my belief and my choices, and Christianity and God and Jesus and all that and all that goes with that has been a huge part of the piece that has allowed me to go through all of these steps and have these conversations.

Speaker 3: 27:43

Outside of that, I would say it's my family and my friends. I would say it's you know the choices, knowing my purpose and my reason and my why. That grounds me, because when it gets hard, I go back to those truths. I go back to okay, what are you doing and why are you doing? It Bring you back to that and you find a way to keep going. So in my grounding I've learned to that.

Speaker 3: 28:06

I would rather define it for myself, to be defined by my circumstances. So if you're handed a lot of manure in your garden of life, a lot of shit, you either can be defined by it or you can find it for yourself, and I've always chosen to define it for myself. And if I like to say that, if you're given a blank canvas and it may not be the canvas and materials you chose to draw your life mural on then okay, fine, you didn't get to pick the materials you wanted, but you can pick how you design and portray the picture you want your life to look like. You're in charge of that, um, and whether it's, if you like, a certain, I don't know. Whatever your life you want it to look like, you have to be daring and willing to choose to design it and design it the way that you want to design it. It's kind of like another analogy you play a card game be it spades, hearts, poker, whatever, I don't care, go fish, whatever You're given, whatever that game's rules a set of cards, you don't get to choose those cards. Whatever that game's rules a set of cards you don't get to choose those cards. But if you're a smart and strategic card player and your goal is to win the game, then you'll choose correctly and smartly of how you play that hand that you were given to make it work to your advantage to win the game of life in this case, and make it be what you want it to be.

Speaker 3: 29:23

I was taught to believe that you never quit, you never give up and you don stop. And basically the adult version is hold my beer and sit back and watch. I don't know if your audience can tell, but I'm a Southern Texas girl, I am a Scorpio and I'm a redhead, so that is a quadfecta of pretty much. If you tell me no, that's pretty much a shy fire bet and it's probably going to happen just because you told me no. And I think it served me well. Call it stubbornness, call it whatever you want to call it, but I think it served me well for the better part of most of my life, and so I don't let things define me, I define them.

Speaker 3: 29:58

Now, that's not to say that some days I have to take a minute and take a breath and figure it out and process it and focus on it for a minute, but then I get up and dust myself off and try to and say, okay, well, that's that, this is, I'm in it now, or it's in, it found me. It is what it is, but I can make it be what I want it to be, to the best of my ability. So that's the redesign part, cause I promise you I did not ask to be born with a disability, I ain't taking my first breath and I was already screwed in that department. So I'll never have a day, nor will I have a day, where I don't see the world through legally blind eyes. I'll never know what normal I don't mean normal because what's normal, but I mean, from a medical standpoint of visual ability and acuity, what it looks like to view the world without a totally complicated concoction of visual impairment. So I don't know what that's like. I couldn't begin to tell you I don't know what y'all see, any more than y'all know what I see. So it's just, it is what it is, but I've done what I've done through faith, hard work and determination every step of the way, and I will keep doing that, no more than I.

Speaker 3: 31:05

Yes, I did walk away from my first marriage, but I did not ask for his choices. That led to the unfortunate conclusion, at least in that moment, of this marriage is no longer working because of his choices. So I can't control his choices, but I did do what was the best choice for me in that moment. It was to walk away from what was no longer a workable or haveable marriage that, had I stayed, I would have never had the life that while it's over with my husband that died in 2017, I wouldn't have known what that was like, that journey and have my two beautiful children. So it was still the answer in the moment, and I dang sure didn't choose to have my husband die on April 4th 2017, and nor did my children. So my point in all that saying is we don't choose the hand. We're dealt necessarily. Sometimes we do, because sometimes it's our own screwed up choices, but sometimes you're just giving a hand and you get to decide what you're going to do with it.

Speaker 3: 31:56

Now, as far as what's next is the A of abundance, and I'm not talking about finances, I'm not the financial planner. I got my own guy for that. Okay, that goes to. I go get help with the things I need help with. We go get help with the things I need help with. We'll get to that part in a minute. But it can be in finances.

Speaker 3: 32:11

But to me it's more of abundance in your mindset and I think sometimes that's the more challenging piece how you want to choose the points of view, the perspectives, what you capture in your mind, that is your self-talk or your mental space, or what allows you, because very much in our society we believe, and that's why we have the expressions of mind, the, the game change and the key to everything is your mindset and that, whatever you put your mind to or don't, you probably can do or not do, and so oftentimes it's our mindset that allows us to design and stay true to the design we want for our lives. That's grounding us, that takes us to the C, that is, choosing care and clarity over chaos and confusion, which has a lot to do with self-care. When we do take care of ourselves, we are balanced, we're not overwhelmed. Hopefully we are able to have a clear mental space to have the abundant mindset to help us to stay true to the life we want to design for ourselves. That grounds us. We talk a lot about all these things individually could be a whole other conversations and there's a lot of different perspectives on self-care. But whether you want to realize it or not meaning in the audience or anyone, especially in grief I was not always the best at self-care, but grief pretty much taught me that if you want to survive this and not just survive this but thrive in it and after it, you better take care of yourself or I will land you on your butt and it does a very good job of that.

Speaker 3: 33:40

I learned that the hard way and I promise you, whatever your version of self-care is and you choose to do or not do, to whatever degree your life allows you to do it, or that you pencil in for yourself, whether that's I have probably not the most healthiest form. My version is girlfriend time and at the spa and at night when the kids are in bed watching an insane amount of TV and Hulu, while enjoying chocolate or an occasional glass of wine. Okay, you'll not see me on a track. That is not fun to me. I run only when I'm scared or trying to get across the road. More power to you. God love you. If that is your jam, knock yourself out. I know it works for an amazing amount of people. That ain't mine. To me, self-care is about relaxing, and that ain't relaxing. That's work. Or I'd be very happy to be any body of water In other forms I do, but I, you know, I listen to music, I I journal, I write, obviously, but um, and you just have to find what refills your cup and your soul, that makes you feel like you're caring for yourself, and then make sure you do it.

Speaker 3: 34:43

But whatever you think is distracting you from taking that time to do the self-care, I promise you, unfortunately there are no fairy godmother wands. We are not be witches and twitches our nose and make it all disappear, the whatever's distracting you work, job chores, I don't care, the laundry pile, the dishes, the list of errands to be done. It is not going anywhere, unfortunately. So I promise you, whenever you get back from your self-imposed hiatus of self-care, it will still be there and you will still get it done, and actually you'll probably get it done more efficiently and better because you feel better and you've taken care of yourself. So, as much as we wish that it would not be there when we get back from self-care, it will. So you can absolutely afford the 5, 10 minutes, 30 minutes.

Speaker 3: 35:28

Whatever you do fill in the blank version of your self-care. Sometimes it's I'm going to go take a nap, I like my sleep, but and then I'm a better mom. I'm a better person and human and mom for my kids and I would think, if nothing else, they've seen me be willing to take care of myself so that, like you said, our kids do what we do. So I don't want them going 20 40 hours a day. I know it's 24 7, but my point is go work all the time or just going, going, going to the point that they run themselves into the ground. I want them to know it's okay to take self-care time. They've seen me. You don't have to do everything all the time and you can put it down and you can ask someone else to do it while you go do self-care.

Speaker 3: 36:11

So, yeah, it's through the self-care that we have the clear and the not confusing mindset you know because we have clarity and you're not confused to have the abundant mindset to focus on the life we want to design and not be defined by our circumstances, that we want to be grounded in to help us to do what we want to do. The last one is the equipped, which is what we kind of already hit on. I don't care whether you want to admit it or not. Everybody in our life needs help at some point or another, whether you like it or not. I don't care if that's with finances, I don't care if that's in relationships, I don't care if that's with health, legality, whatever, self-growth you all need help at some point and I don't know why it's a big deal. Like I said earlier, all you're doing is raising a hand and saying, hey, what up, I need this. Or you know, I got a question, point me in the direction.

Speaker 3: 36:58

I mean, if you want to go on a vacation, you're not going to leave your house without a car, with a gas tank or full of gas or purchasing a plane ticket or a train ticket or however you like to travel. And unless you want to sleep on your car or the street or on the airport, you're going to need a hotel. I mean, that's needing things, that's getting help for just providing for yourself, and I don't think you want to go without food for the time you're on vacation. So you're going to take snacks and hopefully you take a fun road trip mix with you along the way to make the journey a little bit funner, and maybe a companion that's still getting the things you need. You're equipping yourself for the fun trip you want to go on, hopefully. You know whether that's for work or pleasure or whatever, but life's no different. It makes the journey a little bit easier when you equip yourself, whether that's with whatever area.

Speaker 3: 37:44

You're needing things in stuff for work or your personal time, or your marriage or your relationship or a friendship, or you know, in my case it's been with grief and disability and getting over a crappy first marriage. You know whatever. Maybe it's a health thing you're in and you need your doctors to advocate for. You know whether they will or not. It's a different story, but you find the ones that will and if they won't do it for you, do it for your damn self. Excuse my French. That's the reason why we have that expression. If you want it done right, you better do it your damn self, because the world cheers. I ain't gonna give it to you, um, so you equip yourself with whatever that may be and a lot of that. A huge part of that is advocating for yourself. So that's been my five steps to answer your question.

Speaker 3: 38:26

The three words I know that was a way longer answer than you were anticipating that has allowed me to travel a journey with the disability and get through a first marriage and put a life back together after a divorce and then have a happily ever after, ending even though it only lasted for 12 years. I think that's where we get ourselves mixed up in this world. We want the happily ever after, which hopefully we all get, because we all deserve it. But just because you get to have happily ever after, there's no promise or guarantee that it would last forever. So, very true, enjoy it while it's here. But I think that's why we expect it forever, because we say happily ever after.

Speaker 3: 39:02

Well, that wasn't forever, unfortunately, as much as we may like it and I have to deal with that in my own way too as well but, um, and then when you move on to the not move on, I don't move to. The next thing is what I was trying to say, because I don't even like that verbiage, because I think it's a misleading and misconstrued and not taking it for what it really is. Um, you get what you need and you live the life that you want to design, so that you cannot just survive and thrive. So that's my process that has allowed me to get through all three things and keep getting through it.

Speaker 1: 39:35

Now I know many listeners are like where can I get in connection with Michaela? So can you let the listeners know where they can find you and what you have to offer and the books that you have?

Speaker 3: 39:47

out Right. I have right now currently 14 books out. I have more to write. There's a reason why we say you know, in life, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Well, I'll let you in on a little secret. There's an author version of that expression what doesn't kill you gives you a lot to write about. And I have a lot to write about, and that's why my books are so long. But you know, they're very in bite-sized portions because I believe in more chapters and shorter chapters, and 10 chapters that are 50 pages longer and you're like yeah, I'm done, but each their own. You have to find your own writing style. That's just what I think is best. It works for me. But you can find all those books on amazon.

Speaker 3: 40:24

I have I'm always working on a project and I have more to come. I'm always doing something and I have a website. It's called myheartfeltmeditationscom, and if you want to know more specifically or precisely what we've been delving into, what little we can cover today about my own life journey, it would be the. Out of the five or six series I have now, it'll probably eventually be eight. No, I can't just do one thing. You should have heard what my undergraduate or grad school was. But the Now I See series that literally walks you through the first book of what it's like to travel a journey through 38 triple D disability, divorce and death, and how I've gone from surviving it to thriving in it. And then the rest of the series, when I launched the second book, will be about going through grief and loss. And then I decided that while it's great to show on your journey people oftentimes well, that worked for her that's great, but what are the actionable steps she took?

Speaker 3: 41:21

So in March I released what is now a three-part series, but I'm going to add two to it of finding grace through grief that literally walks you through everything that we just talked about and the five keys that I've used to do everything that I've done in my life. So those might be the two that might best serve your audience initially, if that's what they're looking for, although I do have other books on other subjects, like faith and motherhood and instilling in our children the legacy of what we want them to learn in life. And yes, I'm a little bit weird, I do enjoy politics, but that's a different story. It's not so much who's right or wrong, it's what this country is supposed to be about and that's actually what I'm knee deep in right now and my project I'm working on. But I do write on those things and I'll hope to be adding other things eventually to that list of series. But I would say, start with Now I See you, or Finding Grace Through Grief, if that's what you're seeking right now in the season and life that you're in.

Speaker 1: 42:13

Well, I want to thank you for sharing the most valuable thing you can give to anybody, and that's your time and, you know, really allowing us to understand what it looks like in your personal life and the choices that you have made and you continuously keep making. You've taken those impurities and you've, you know, alchemized them into gold, and you haven't only kept the gold to yourself. You're offering it to other people to see that they can do this alchemy within their own life. So, michaela, it's been an honor to you know, dive deep with you and to be invigorated by you. Know that whenever there's some BS or excuses I'm making, you got to make a choice, because making no choice is a choice. So make a choice that will empower you and even if it's, you know, difficult or it doesn't mean that you cannot get to the end goal of where you're going. So thank you so much for being here with us.

Speaker 3: 43:17

If you haven't figured out I don't do wealth excuses very well yeah, and I would rather figure it out. Oftentimes I'm asked what I would say is my one statement, and I've said many times that life, there are no guarantees, there's no promises of tomorrow. So you get one life and it's often short. So I would say choose well and live your best so that you can not just survive but thrive and live the best life that you want to live. Thank you.

Speaker 1: 43:48

Thank you for being here. Please remember to be kind to yourself hey, you made it you for being here. Please remember to be kind to yourself hey, you made it all the way here. I appreciate you and your time. If you found value in this conversation, please share it out. If there was somebody that popped into your mind, take action and share it out with them.

Speaker 2: 44:07

It possibly may not be them that will benefit. It's that they know somebody that will benefit from listening to this conversation, so please take action and share out the podcast.

Speaker 1: 44:19

You can find us on social media on Facebook, instagram and TikTok under Lift One Self. And if you want to inquire about the work that I do and the services that I provide to people, come over on my website, come into a discovery call.

Speaker 2: 44:37

LiftOneSelfcom. Until next time, please remember to be kind and gentle with yourself. You matter.