From Sexual Addiction to Recovery: Logan Hufford's Raw Journey

Can confronting your deepest fears transform your life? Discover the candid journey of Logan Hufford as he shares his battle with sexual addiction and recovery on the Lift One Self podcast. Logan opens up about the complexities of addiction, the stigma it carries, and the urgent need for open discussions around mental health, especially in today's digital age. Together, we explore how trauma impacts the nervous system and how addiction often serves as a mechanism to escape pain. This episode highlights the importance of creating safe environments for honest conversations, particularly for parents guiding their children through a world where explicit content is alarmingly accessible.

Logan recounts his personal story, shedding light on the struggles and repercussions of infidelity and addiction within a marriage. His narrative reveals the inherent challenges in seeking change without taking responsibility or altering one's environment. The discussion touches on the internal battles of shame and guilt, showcasing how addiction can become an exoskeleton—both protecting and poisoning the individual. Through powerful metaphors and introspection, we navigate the intricate layers of addiction and the arduous journey of recovery, emphasizing the vital role of accountability in repairing personal relationships and self-worth.

Our conversation doesn't stop at struggle; it blossoms into a message of hope and transformation. Emphasizing the power of choice, we reflect on pivotal moments of realization and the profound shift from hopelessness to healing. Logan shares personal anecdotes that illuminate the journey from darkness to fulfillment, offering listeners a beacon of resilience and possibility. We invite you to join the discussion on social media under Lift One Self and explore the supportive community and services we offer. Remember, kindness and gentleness towards yourself are not just suggestions—they are essential reminders that you matter.

Learn more about Logan here
https://www.prodigalsofalaska.com/

Instagram:
https://www.instagram.com/no.longer.in.bondage?igsh=MXMwZDN1a3pnanhtYQ==

Chapters

• 0:00 Breaking Stigmas
• 13:16 Facing Addiction and Seeking Change
• 22:19 Recovering From Addiction
• 29:07 Discovering Hope in Recovery
• 41:07 Spreading Hope Through Sharing

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome to the Lift One Self podcast, where we break mental health stigmas through conversations. I'm your host, nat Nat, and we dive into topics about trauma and how it impacts the nervous system. Yet we don't just leave you there. We share insights and tools of self-care, meditation and growth that help you be curious about your own biology. Your presence matters. Please like and subscribe to our podcast. Help our community grow. Let's get into this.

Speaker 2: 0:32

Oh, and please remember to be kind to yourself. Welcome to the Lift when Self podcast. I'm your host, nat Nat, and today I have an amazing guest that we're going to get into, a very spicy topic that you know some people might be able to relate to, some people might just be like. I think I'm going to go to the next episode. Whatever is needed is needed, yet I think it's a topic that needs to be discussed so that we can start creating some change and some dialogue around it. So, logan, would you do us the honors to introduce yourself and let us know a little bit about yourself?

Speaker 3: 1:11

Absolutely. Thank you so much for having me on. I'm Logan Hufford and I'm up here in Alaska. It's always cool to do a podcast with somebody in the same spectrum, closer to the Arctic Circle than it is to the to the arctic circle than it is to the equator, even if different countries right I. I don't know how to introduce myself other than just to give a little glimpse into my story, which is I'm here talking to you because I absolutely have been given a a new lease on life when it comes to mental health and addiction and being trapped in bondage and not knowing how to ever be free from that or if I even could be freed from that. So the last eight plus years has been a continual journey of recovery for me and this year specifically, I started going on a broader, a little bit of a broader mission to reach folks through podcasts and social media and talk about sexual addiction awareness so, as you heard, listeners, we're going to get into the sexual addiction.

Speaker 2: 2:13

So for some that's maybe a trigger, for others it's just not a topic that they really want to be engaged in. So you know, as I always say, take care of yourself and at any time in this conversation, if there's things that made you feel out of sorts or anything, pause the podcast, take a moment to process, take the time for yourself and, you know, unpause it, come back to it. It could be a couple of days after or it could be just a couple of minutes, whatever is needed for you. So again, this whole intention of this podcast is about removing the stigma around mental health and sexual addiction. Unfortunately, a lot of people are afraid to start engaging and talking about it, where I think it's very healthy to speak about sex and what it can do with our mind and what we can do with our wounds to try to cope. And by going in such an addiction in that aspect, rather than being able to, you know, feel authentically what our emotions are. Because addiction in its simple form is avoidance of pain. And what does sex do? Sex brings pleasure. So the two in itself, it's really to unpack, to better understand and not have a black and white thinking.

Speaker 2: 3:30

So, logan, I'm very thankful that you're here to bless the listeners with your experience, your information, and that we can engage in this conversation. That's needed right now, and especially for the younger generation, that those parents that are listening, that they can have a dialogue with their children and stuff, because now, with technology, there's all kinds of things that are accessible to children that in my generation you had to go to a store or something like that, but now it's just at their fingertips in their bedrooms. So, before we get into this highly charged conversation, would you join me in a mindful moment so that we can ground ourselves and connect in our hearts and, as you know the listeners, safety first. I'm going to ask Logan and myself to close our eyes, yet most of you are probably driving or running, so you need your eyes open. So safety first, please. Yet the other prompts you're able to follow with us. So, logan, I'm going to ask you to get comfortable in your seating and, if it's safe for you, gently close your eyes and you're going to begin breathing in and out through your nose and you're going to bring your awareness to watching your breath go in and out. You're not going to try and control your breath. You're just going to be aware of its rhythm, allowing it to guide you in your body. It to guide you in your body.

Speaker 2: 5:03

There may be some sensations or feelings coming up, and that's okay, let them come up. You're safe to feel. You're safe to let go. Surrender the need to control, release the need to resist and just be, be with your breaths, drop into your body. Now. There may be thoughts or to-do lists that have popped up in your mind. That's okay. Gently bring your awareness back to your breath, creating space between the awareness and the thoughts and dropping deeper into your body, keeping that awareness on your breath and allowing yourself to just be again. More thoughts may have popped up. Bring your awareness to your breath, beginning again, creating even more space between the awareness and the thoughts and dropping even deeper into the body, allowing yourself to be with the breath. Just keeping your awareness on your breath, keeping that awareness with your breath, keeping that awareness with your breath. Now, at your own time and at your own pace, you're going to gently open your eyes while staying with the breath. How's your heart doing? I want to ask how did the journey begin with the sexual addiction?

Speaker 3: 7:04

Yeah, and I am going to give just a quick little I co-sign with everything you said to your audience and then I will just add this, this little piece you know, especially, as you just said, everyone listening, you know, to take care of themselves and and knowing their themselves and their past and their triggers, um, but here's how I go through every podcast interview I've ever done. Every when I'm talking about recovery, talking about sexual addiction, uh, I talk about it in such a way that if somebody has a 11, 12, 13 year old kid in the car with them, if you are ready to have an honest, vulnerable conversation with that child, I'm not going to tell you to listen. But I would caution, you don't necessarily change it just because we're talking about sex, cause I can promise you they are hearing about sex. So I would invite you to consider listening to this episode, because I'm not going to, as we talked about, I'm not going to share explicit stuff. I'm not here to sensationalize anything. I'm here to talk about what it is to struggle, to feel hopeless and now to live in hope ultimately.

Speaker 3: 8:18

And yeah, my specific addiction was a very dark one and it involved chasing after the highs that came from sexual behavior. But, um, yeah, I'm not here to to get gross and get weird. Uh, that's, that's not what I do. So, um, in fact, one of my interviews this was more of a family overall focused episode, it was actually a part two, um, so it was talking about, kind of how my wife and I parent through the lens of recovery. Um, but you know there's plenty of stuff about our story and stuff like that. But my oldest he's 12, he listened to it and he, he was, he was mentioning some things afterwards later. It just kind of gave me a kick because, um, like, he knows our story anyway. But, um, my, my story with sexual addiction started off honestly, in like maybe the most innocent way somebody could ever imagine. And I mean that in a couple of different ways.

Speaker 3: 9:12

Because, number one so I'm the baby of five. I was raised in a family where I had both my parents raising me, four older siblings who you know there's a perfect family, but four older siblings who genuinely generally got along well. They loved me, I felt cared for, I felt safe. I never felt unsafe in my home. I did not grow up in an abusive, traumatic household. I did not grow up with some, you know, acute tragedy event Like I had a very safe and comfortable upbringing, like we weren't spoiled, but like I, I had my needs taken care of, you know, physically and emotionally, generally speaking.

Speaker 3: 9:54

And even in the introduction of pornography, um, and and sexuality here. Here was my introduction to pornography. I call it my introduction to pornography, but it wasn't porn, it was me, as maybe 10 years old that's kind of the arbitrary number I've picked out, because it was definitely way before I didn't pre-puberty, I didn't know how sex worked and things like that. And I found in the once a year JCPenney catalog, this giant catalog, that in the middle of that there was a section where I could find lingerie models and swimwear models. So this was not an inherently sexual thing, this was not a pornographic thing, but it was me. It was the first time I sexually objectified images of women and got a feeling out of that. And I didn't know what that feeling was. I didn't. I didn't know any, didn't understand dopamine or anything like this, but I knew i'd'd like to. I felt, I felt that charge, I felt that rush. So literally that was the start for me.

Speaker 3: 10:56

And you know there was no playboy magazine as you alluded to. I mean, there were. Definitely there were no devices around. This would have been late nineties, like we had dial up internet, but that wasn't something that I could just hop on real quick and float around the internet. So that's where it started.

Speaker 3: 11:13

I didn't I didn't need some crazy event, you know, to trigger this addiction. I definitely didn't get pushed into it. I enjoyed how I felt and I and I wanted to chase after those feelings and it was kind of a, especially considering what my addiction looked like 10 years later, 12, 13 years later. Um, it was a slow burn. I mean, it took me several years before I was regularly looking at hardcore videos, um, and you know, involving masturbation with that and that kind of thing. That was like the next level, the next step, but it was.

Speaker 3: 11:51

It was a slow burn of chasing after these highs. And then it wasn't until I was really until I was 18, 19 years old that I started. Let me chase after this feeling with real women. Um, I as a kid, even as a teenager, I was never a shy person, but I was a shy kid around girls my age because I felt ugly and I didn't think the girls would like me, and so I was definitely shy around my peers, especially if they were girls. So I didn't try to flirt and seek out attention and try things physically for a long time because I was afraid of rejection, I was afraid of looking foolish and all these things. But once I started crossing over those barriers, I mean, then it was like a dam and then things started getting very progressive very fast.

Speaker 2: 12:39

What was the breaking point for you?

Speaker 3: 12:42

Okay, when you say breaking point, I think I understand what you mean.

Speaker 2: 12:46

Yeah, I'll elaborate when I say breaking point. When is it that you realized it was an issue that you no longer had control over and you knew that you had to do something about it?

Speaker 3: 12:57

Yeah, yeah, because in a way, I could. There's kind of like a couple maybe there's a lot more too but there's kind of a couple different breaking points that I could look at where things really started to break in various ways. The first one, really, I would say, would be six months after I was married, six months after we said I do. When, when we got married, june 4th 2011 we were young, um, I was 20, oh, I was 21. I had already she'd done her multiple times, um, not just with pornography, uh, secret porn use, but also with real women. Um, I already she'd done her multiple times and I felt terrible, I felt shame, I hated that I did those things, but I still would. I was still kind of able to believe the lie that well, yeah, this is terrible, but almost like a six-month you know bachelor trip, kind of looking at, like this was terrible, but like I won't do that once I'm married, this was terrible, but once I'm a husband and I'll be a dad, like, of course, I'm not going to do that stuff. So I still could believe this stupid lie that I'll just clean it up and I'll, I'll just flip the switch off. That's not how. That's not how human behavior works. Uh, once I've trained myself to chase after something and I get that reward which ultimately, chemically that's what we're talking about here that there's no just off button.

Speaker 3: 14:18

But I got married and then it didn't stop. I hired a prostitute within the first year of my marriage Continued. I was a car salesman. I was good at my job, not because I was the best salesperson in terms of sales techniques or because I knew the most about cars. I was good at connecting with people and building rapport, and that's not a bad thing. But I absolutely abused that. When it came to most women that were in my path, I would chase after whatever I could get flirting or text response. If I get something physical, whatever I could take, I took.

Speaker 3: 14:53

And so six months after we got married, I felt so bad from all of this and I did. I did feel bad and so I wrote. I wrote a letter to my wife and this was the first time that I confessed all this. This was the first time that anything other than she knew I struggled with porn. Anything else was confessed and I don't remember exactly like I don't remember word for word what I put in there, but I did say that I had affairs and in my head, here's another stupid lie. I thought I was done. I thought, oh, I felt so bad and I vomited onto the sheet of paper. Looking back on it, I also vomited onto my wife because it made me feel better. To confess, it certainly did make her feel better and there was no changed behavior on my end.

Speaker 3: 15:38

But I would say, you know, around that time is the first time that I really seriously saw okay, there's an issue here. I'm married to this beautiful woman who is doing everything she can to be an incredible wife and I'm not stopping. In fact, it's only getting worse. There wasn't like a singular moment where I had that realization. But I mean, ultimately, that's why I wrote the letter is because I I did feel so bad in there and there was fear there and I thought the letter you know her knowing about it when that will kind of that'll be the push I need to not do it. And it didn't work because I didn't change my infrastructure, I didn't change my routines, I didn't change how I approached life. You know, things I did, the people I hung out with. None of that changed. I just hoped that I would stop doing the bad thing.

Speaker 2: 16:24

Yeah, do you think, if your wife would have left it would have been something different?

Speaker 3: 16:30

Well, for sure, for sure, I guess again, I'll ask you if you can expand a little bit and we say something different.

Speaker 2: 16:41

How I'm hearing the story is okay. You confess something. She had a big reaction but she didn't leave. So in our biology, in the way addiction works, well, you're kind of giving me permission to continue, because you're not. Addiction is still overpowering of not seeing the appreciation and gratitude and actually do that inner work. You know a lot of people may not understand the way addiction is so insidious in our mind. You know the way the nervous system can trick you with certain things and the way that people show up with us Because when you've finally said, okay, I did something and asked for forgiveness, but they still stay. If you don't take really the accountability, it gives a messaging that it's okay to continue with this Because the cat's out of the bag and there wasn't really any consequence. Was that something that you looked at or that you felt or that you were aware of?

Speaker 3: 17:54

yeah, I mean I, I would completely agree and, of course, like those are terrible words to to say that, like there was sort of a permission being being granted, like and I or let's use manipulation because that is is that's how I felt.

Speaker 3: 18:11

Obviously, that's not what my wife was trying to do, but that is truly like that's kind of what I took from. It is not that I had permission, but I was free from her consequences. I was free from my marital consequences, right, and ultimately, that's how I approach so much of this. I never got an STD. Now I, I, I didn't get tested for several years. So I'm not an STD expert. I don't know what. There's certain things that could have come and gone, but there was no evidence of ever having an STD. Um, when I did get tested, you know, everything was negative, like I just assumed that that would happen. I just assumed who I'm playing that safe this way and that way.

Speaker 3: 19:00

Um, when I started hiring prostitutes, I remember having the thought of like what if the you know what if this is a sting operation? Or like what if this or what if that? And I, I, I just I can play in the fire and I'll know when to jump out. I mean, that's how I have gone through life. And so I went through life for the first two and a half decades when it came to how I drove my car, my finances, um, other addictions had huge gambling addiction. All this stuff was just wrapped up into this. I can play in the fire and I will know the exact moment when to jump out and not to not to get hurt too bad. Um, and the reason why I wanted your clarification but I at the same time I was nodding my head is like, yeah, it certainly would have been different. Now here I don't play the like what, what if? Game very much, yeah, yeah, no, it's not, I mean but.

Speaker 3: 19:52

But here's what I think probably would have happened if, if, carrie would have left me especially like let's say, if she left me um, you know, if I confessed the, you know if I wrote that letter a month?

Speaker 1: 20:03

after we got married like hey, I'm so sorry, but I cheated on you multiple times and she left me right, full grounds to leave me.

Speaker 3: 20:10

If she had done that, um, things would have been drastically different on a practical sense, because now I'm no longer married and now we don't have these kids, um, I, I think I, I absolutely would have just continued down this track and probably just gotten you know, it would have just been even more extreme. I think there's a chance that the pain of that might have maybe I would have, you know, been it would have just been even more extreme. I think there's a chance that the pain of that might've maybe I would have, you know, been so broken that I would have sought help. But I don't know. Because, not to jump too far ahead, but I mean the whole reason why I jumped into recovery, it wasn't really to like heal myself, because I didn't think that was possible. I was trying to maybe keep my marriage together. I didn't think that I would ever heal at, not at the start, but I was willing to do some things.

Speaker 3: 20:53

Um, so, and like to anyone listening, please understand everything that I've shared to this point and even some of the stuff that will come up later. This is all descriptive. Most of this is not prescriptive, like, my wife absolutely had every right to leave me and, um, it wasn't wrong for her not to leave me, but it would not have been wrong for her to leave me and to state very clearly that you broke these. This is why I'm leaving. I always just want to make sure I'm putting that out there. This is not the advice section.

Speaker 2: 21:24

Yeah, yeah, of course it's sharing what the story is and you know everybody has the power of choice and how they're going to, you know live life and what they're going to engage in and you know your wife did a lot of warrior work to be able to engage in that and still stay with the commitment. Now, when you're speaking and you said that you did the recovery for something outside of yourself, it wasn't for anything inside of yourself. It was like the marriage that you're trying to help and that you didn't feel that there was any possibility of healing within yourself. I didn't think it was likely. I didn't think it was likely within yourself.

Speaker 3: 22:07

I didn't think it was likely.

Speaker 2: 22:09

I didn't think it was likely. Did you recognize now, today, do you recognize that that was because you were not in your worth?

Speaker 3: 22:19

that's the way to put that um, very much so I mean, yeah, there's, there's so much. Um, this, I mean this giant, I guess the, the shrek thing, the giant onions with all these layers, right, um, yeah, I mean I, I viewed myself as a completely uh, a worthless, dried up husk of a person. That was all I was doing, was I was like a bear trap sitting out there that everyone's gonna just snap and break somebody's bone, like that's what I was, that's what I felt about myself. I routinely would just wallow in how much I hated the fact that my kids had to meet for a dad, that Carrie had to meet for a husband, and yet, like that pain, that desperation, that didn't equate to me stopping the behavior.

Speaker 3: 23:15

Um, and because that's that's addiction is is a really powerful thing. I, I do. I always have choice and I love that. You said that, that there is the power of choice, and I will always emphasize that. So people don't get the wrong idea about addiction. It doesn't mean that I'm not responsible for my choices, but it does mean that I'm operating more and more on my limbic system and defense mechanisms and this happens. So I do this to. I'm going to figure out how to slow down and be able to make the right choice, the moral choice that instead of just the limbic choice. I'm getting off topic here no, but no, you're not.

Speaker 2: 23:55

It's exactly what this is and it's feeling when we're impulsive and we're trying to do the hot potato offload you're just jumping out of your skin because it doesn't feel good to be in your body. We haven't created enough and especially for men boys don't cry so any kind of feeling of vulnerability and sensitivity coming up. I'm going to armor and just offload this Rather than, like you said, explaining it so well, slowing it down. And the slowing down is let me feel what's going on internally, rather than just going with the defensive mechanisms. Addiction is protecting you. I know people may be like what the heck are you talking about? To not be in your worth is very painful. You othered yourself out of existence and so to be in that unsafety, that's a deep pain. So anything that would give you some sense of thrill and, as you explained, you know the impulsivity of driving and finances it was like oh, you're addicted to adrenaline. Adrenaline gives us a really good rush, it's a really good high. And then when you go, ahead.

Speaker 3: 25:17

When you say I mean addiction, you know the protection of addiction here's I mean. I speak in I statements for two reasons. Number one, quite honestly, because that's in my recovery program. That was a must. Yeah, I started throwing out a bunch of yous and wees and them and those people.

Speaker 1: 25:37

It's like I'm going to get real fast. You're not in power.

Speaker 3: 25:41

But then the other part is you know, I recognize like there are some truths here, there are some absolute, fundamental truths. Um, it's not all just my opinion, but but you know, when it's my story and my experience, I recognize that not everything is going to be the same for everyone. So here my addiction. In terms of my protection, I always I use the word exoskeleton. It was an exoskeleton that I didn't intentionally create. I didn't pick it like I was in a video game of the cocoon, the protection, but it was also. Of course it was sucking my soul, right, and it was hurting. It was toxic to everyone else, it was toxic to me, but it was an exoskeleton and it was attached to me. And so, if anyone can imagine walking around with a literal exoskeleton, like a crustacean that is simultaneously poisoning you and poisoning those around you, but it is attached to you.

Speaker 3: 26:51

So yeah, eventually, in recovery, I mean, I got to a point where there was the ability to have that removed, but it wasn't taking off a hoodie, it wasn't taking off a winter coat, it was having this thing that was embedded in me very deeply ripped out. And it wasn't going to be quick, it wasn't going to be easy and it definitely was not going to be painless. And going back to that earlier thing, you know I didn't get in recovery to remove that exoskeleton. I didn't even know I had an exoskeleton, but I'm so thankful that it that it was removed, even though, yeah, it did mean that for a while there that first year or so and going through recovery without my exoskeleton life hurt a little bit more sometimes a lot a bit more a lot more, a lot more.

Speaker 3: 27:36

I'm raw right, I'm vulnerable and I'm naked and it's like, ooh, things sting a little bit more.

Speaker 2: 27:42

Yeah, I'm feeling, cause you know, the addiction is a numbing agent. It's a numbing agent and it just, but it's a numbing agent that self inflicts even more pain. It just doesn't feel like it in the moment. It just you don't realize. It's building and building, and you see, I have a little bit of a different way with it not being ripped out. It's the integration, so that this thing isn't inflamed anymore and you understand more what fear is, what your nervous system is. It's recognizing that you know, when you are separated from self, you're going to find everything on the outside to bring you back into that connection, into that worth, and so to feel like it got removed.

Speaker 2: 28:32

If it ever comes to visit again, it's like whoa, whoa, whoa, where I'm sure you've had glimpses, where it these sensations or feelings have come to visit, and it's like, oh, that's okay, I know who you are. Yet where these sensations or feelings have come to visit and it's like, oh, that's okay, I know who you are. Yet you're not allowed to hijack me anymore and I'm not going to deny my past. It's going to strengthen me because I'm not going to be in shame of trying to hide what my experiences were. Yet when you come to visit. You. Don't get to do a muck anymore experiences were.

Speaker 3: 29:05

Yet when you come to visit, you don't get to do a muck anymore. Well, in what? Literally looping back to what you said earlier, the power of choice. That's one of the beauties of what happens in recovery. That happens nowadays and is what you just described, which is, yeah, you know, I get triggered, I get stressed and and sometimes I make a bad choice.

Speaker 3: 29:22

Before when that would happen, it would be like I would make a bad choice. And then it was like, instantly, I'm careening down this mudslide and I can't. I it felt like I couldn't stop, I was just going to make a bunch more bad choices. And now it's like, okay, I'm mad about it, I made a bad choice, or I'm triggered or I'm stressed. I could make more of these if I want to, but do I want that? Do I want these consequences? And like I mean there's times where I'm treating my wife and this is this is gonna sound wild like because we you know I've jumped into recovery for sexual addiction. She's jumped into recovery for betrayal trauma. By god's grace, we have um experienced so much healing and transformation, not to get back to pre-betrayal, but to be something completely different and completely.

Speaker 2: 30:02

Yeah, you've transformed, right, you've transmuted and transformed.

Speaker 3: 30:06

So like there's times where we, we talk, and you know, maybe I'm something happened and I'm feeling a little butthurt and I'm I kind of want to wallow in it and I might look over and chuckle and be like all right, I think I'm going to be in victim stance for about 10 seconds and it's like it's like it's it's.

Speaker 3: 30:30

It's kind of, on one hand, it's an inside joke, but it's also like I'm gonna give myself permission to throw a fit internally for a couple seconds and then, but then I'm gonna correct it and it's like this goofy little thing, but it's like I didn't, I didn't feel like I had the choice before to just to turn that off, right, it's like if I started wallowing in victim stance, if I started wallowing in, you know, uh, we'll call it corrosion and cutoff and and and just going through and compartmentalizing on steroids and siloing my emotions.

Speaker 3: 30:58

Once I started on that train, I couldn't stop that thing. It felt like I couldn't stop that thing and I'm not saying that it's good to, you know, throw an inner temper tantrum for for even five seconds necessarily, but to be able to go, okay, like yeah, that's happening right now, I'm being immature, okay, let me go ahead and stop that Like compared to what life used to be like, it feels like there's a superpower just because I I, I seemingly had no freedom of choice, even though, as we keep talking about, I did, but I, I felt like I couldn't slow life down enough to recognize it you didn't know you could feel yeah, it's the missing word that we all, you know.

Speaker 2: 31:39

when people are like, what do you? What is this thing that you're talking about? And it's it's feeling. You have to feel to be able to listen to what the emotions were and not just get stuck in your patterns, the default of anger, the default of addiction. Those are easy to access, to really feel our authentic emotions and slow things down and feel our vulnerability. And slow things down and feel our vulnerability Doesn't feel too good. I want to bring you into a reflective question. I want to ask you to bring your awareness right now and go back to your 18-year-old self, and you have three words you can tell your 18-year-old self to carry you to the journey of right now. What would those three words be?

Speaker 3: 32:26

That's a heck of a challenge. This is where I struggle to. I want to give the perfect answer, you know.

Speaker 2: 32:31

Just talk from the heart.

Speaker 3: 32:33

I mean the word that always, like you know, if you, if you see my Instagram, if you listen to my podcast, that the word usually on the second half of the interviews, the word that's going to scream at you, that is like the heartbeat in me and my recovery work and trying to speak to this hope. So maybe the three words would be there is hope Because I mean when I was 18, I wasn't hopeless. When I was 19, I wasn't. When I was married and had cheated on my wife, I don't think I was hopeless yet. I was starting to get scared when I was 22, 23 years old. I've been married for two, three years. I've got kids. I'm still cheating on my wife, looking at porn all the time, flirting with every woman, hurting. I can't stop. I feel like I can't stop. I was hopeless.

Speaker 3: 33:34

There's some examples floating in my head and I won't unless you want me to, I won't share them because I don't want to be triggering. But in terms of what that hopelessness looks like, I remember that hopelessness of just wishing so much, like God, why did you put me on this earth? Like I wish you would have never created me, because then Carrie could have somebody else for a husband, these boys can have somebody else for a dad. There was no way that I could ever have a life free from the destruction that I was causing, let alone an actually like enjoyable, fulfilling life where I'm like doing doing work out in the world helping others. Um, I didn't think that was possible. I didn't think that was possible. So to know that there is hope, that if I only have three words, that's, that's probably the three that I would give.

Speaker 2: 34:31

They're very powerful ones, very powerful ones. Now I know the listeners are like, okay, where can I find Logan? So can you let the listeners know where they can find you and what you have to offer?

Speaker 3: 34:44

Yeah, so this is pretty skinny. I do this as a ministry purely. This is not my job. I don't get paid from this, so all of my work is on podcasts on Instagram. No longer in bondage is my handle, so at no period longer period in period bondage.

Speaker 3: 35:02

I think if you actually search those words, that'll be the first to come up, though, and I put a lot of stuff out there to bring awareness to sexual addiction, sexual addiction recovery, betrayal, trauma, and this is not going to be B-roll of waves hitting the beach with a motivational phrase that I got off chat GPT. This is, you know, me talking about my story and be talking about stuff, real life stuff, tangible recovery tools. I mean, if any part of this has been helpful or insightful, please check out the Instagram. I think that you'll appreciate that. Um and a lot of you know clips, powerful clips from lots of different interviews. You know that's a lot of the content as well, and I will say I've never had anything to like dangle out there before because I haven't written a book, I don't have a course that I'm selling.

Speaker 3: 35:55

I was able to take part in a really awesome recovery summit blessed family recovery. I've got like a link that I can send you. I think if somebody, if you dm me or if you comment on one of my posts saying, hey, um, talking about the summit, something like mention the summit, I can get you a link. Um, what I'm every, every one that took part in the summit, um, you know, has a chance to give a free something. And since, again, since I don't sell courses or anything, I was kind of at a loss.

Speaker 3: 36:26

But what I did was I set up um, two separate um. There'll be a zoom, a group zoom, and so I'm gonna, on two different dates, uh, if somebody wants to join, that's something they can do for free. Um, and it'll be a time for Q&A. I'll share a little bit of my story, but mostly it'll be ideally a Q&A where we can just talk live time about this. People have questions about how they can proceed, you know, in their own lives. So that's something that I would offer up to you know, to your listeners, if you hit me up on Instagram and I can get you whatever you need to join on that.

Speaker 2: 37:02

Okay, That'll be all in the show notes, so you're able to click and get to Logan right away and, like he said, just DM him or on his posts right summit, and he'll be able to send you the link in the information. I want to thank you, Logan, for doing the alchemy in your life. You've taken the impurities and you've turned them into gold. Yet you haven't kept the gold for yourself. You're sharing it with others. So thank you for doing that alchemy in your personal life and sharing it out with others so that they can be empowered in seeing that there's light within the darkness and you know, at any time, anyone that was listening, if there was an aha moment or you felt like you heard your story within Logan's, reach out to him. That's your limbic system giving you a signal that there's something there that you can relate to. So reach out to him and get in connection with him. Is there anything that you would like to leave the listeners? That's in your heart that you think might, you know, help anybody in their journey or in their recovery.

Speaker 3: 38:12

Sure, I really just to piggyback on what you just said I promise you you, this is a powerful promise that I'm making, but I mean it there is no pain, whether it's self-inflicted or it's a trauma that you have experienced by someone else's hand there is no pain that you can experience or have experienced. That number one there is not healing from doesn't mean that it's going to be an easier linear path. I'm sure it probably will not be. But in number two, that somebody else has not experienced, we all have unique traits and we all have things that separate us and make people different. And that's a beautiful thing, that can be a beautiful thing. But there are so many common denominators, I mean, and the amount of people that, whether they hear my story and they go, oh my gosh, I didn't realize that other people had done X, y, z.

Speaker 3: 39:14

Guys that I work with you know, that have powerful stories, that that you know, guys that have they've done things or they've experienced things or they've been hurt in ways that I have not. But there's other guys that have, and so just please, do not let we. There's a thinking error of uniqueness that we talk about in recovery and that can, that can manifest in lots of different ways, but the way it manifests here would be i'm'm the only one that suffered this trauma, or I'm the only one that suffers in this way, I'm the only one that has hurt people in this way. So, therefore, why reach out? Cause I'm going to look like a weirdo, I'm going to look like a freak, I'm going to be embarrassed, shamed, all these things. I promise you there are other people that are feeling the same way about the exact same thing. Do not let it be a reason not to reach out, Whether it be to myself or maybe somebody else who's better suited, depending on what it is that. That's your story.

Speaker 2: 40:08

You heard him. Don't suffer alone. There's people that are willing to witness your pain and show you the greatness within yourself. So again, if at any time there was an opening within yourself that you know you were curious about logan, reach out to him. His information will be in the show notes so you're able to click in and get in contact with him. I want to thank you, logan, for sharing your story, sharing your experiences and being very transparent. I really appreciate you being here on the podcast and enriching the lives of the listeners. Thank you so much.

Speaker 3: 40:46

You're very welcome and thank you for the opportunity of having me on. I thank God for the opportunity to give back, to be able to talk with people and just spread the light that, hey, there's a way out of the cave.

Speaker 2: 40:58

Yeah, please remember to be kind to yourself.

Speaker 1: 41:02

Hey, you made it all the way here. I appreciate you and your time. If you found value in this conversation, please share it out. If there was somebody that popped into your mind, take action and share it out with them. It possibly may not be them that will benefit. It's that they know somebody that will benefit from listening to this conversation. So please take action and share out the podcast. You can find us on social media on Facebook, Instagram and TikTok under Lift One Self, and if you want to inquire about the work that I do and the services that I provide to people, come over on my website, Come into a discovery call LiftOneSelfcom. Until next time, please remember to be kind and gentle with yourself. You matter.