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The rush of being needed – that warm sensation when someone turns to you in crisis – feels incredible, but what if your desire to help might sometimes be more about you than them? This powerful episode dives deep into the psychology of our "rescue reflex" and explores when supporting others becomes a hidden addiction.
When you constantly swoop in to fix others' problems, your brain floods with dopamine, oxytocin, and adrenaline, creating what neuroscientists call a "helper's high" that can be as addictive as any substance. Parents finishing their children's projects, colleagues taking on others' work, friends who drop everything for every crisis – these behaviors often masquerade as love while secretly saying "I don't think you can handle this without me."
Through personal stories, expert insights, and a powerful guided reflection, you'll discover how constant rescuing might actually be keeping the people around you small. The episode introduces three transformative practices – the Physical Pause, the Body Check, and the Boundary Phrase – that work with your biology to break these patterns. You'll learn the profound difference between supporting and saving, illustrated through a moving personal story about accompanying a friend through cancer while honoring her dignity and agency.
Ready to transform how you show up for others without losing yourself? Download the Empowered Presence Framework at liftoneselfcom/tools and start creating boundaries that aren't walls, but gates designed to preserve your capacity for true connection. Your healing isn't selfish – it's revolutionary
Remember, the strongest thing you can do for yourself is to ask for help. Please help us grow by subscribing to and sharing the Lift OneSelf podcast with others. The podcast intends to dissolve the stigmas around Mental Health and create healing spaces. I appreciate you, the listener, for tuning in and my guest for sharing.
Have you ever wondered why it feels so good to be needed, that rush when someone turns to you for help, that warmth when you're the only one they call in crisis? Let's get real for a minute. What if I told you that your desire to help others might sometimes be more about you than them? When was the last time someone said I got this and you swooped in anyway? That moment when what looks like support is actually your own addiction to being the hero or needing to feel worthy? That's what we're diving in today.
NatNat:
Hey, beautiful souls, it's Nat Nat, and welcome to the Lift One Self podcast. Remember your healing isn't selfish, it's revolutionary. Let that sink in for a moment. Today we are diving into trusting ourselves, which means knowing our authentic motivations. That means examining the complicated psychology behind our helping patterns, understanding when our support truly serves others and when it's secretly serving us. If you're finding value in these conversations, take a quick second to follow, like and share. It brings these healing conversations to more people who need them. I'm not speaking to you today as someone who has it all figured out, but as someone who has done the warrior work to recognize these patterns in myself and others.
NatNat:
Feel that that's the difference between theory and lived experience. When your sense of self-worth depends on always being the rescuer, what looks like help becomes a hidden need. You know that feeling when someone in your life is struggling and every cell in your body immediately screams to fix it. The way you drop everything, postpone your needs or exhaust yourself, making their problem your responsibility. Today we're talking about the rescue reflex, that automatic response that often costs both our well-being and, ironically, their growth.
NatNat:
One of you wrote something that pierced right through me. I quote sometimes the support we provide other people can be misplaced, trying to get something internally fulfilled that we missed out. On end, quote Whew, talk about a truth bomb. Let's sit with that for a minute. Here's the truth. Nobody talks about that rush when someone needs you. It's literally a neurochemical drug. Doctors have researched how helping behaviors activate the brain's reward pathways similar to other forms of addiction. Pavlov does anybody know that name? See, your brain floods with dopamine, oxytocin and adrenaline, creating what neuroscientist Dr Rochelle Goldman calls a helper's high. That can be as addictive as any substance.
NatNat:
The most dangerous addiction are the ones that look like love from the outside. Parents, I see you out there with your rescue capes on tying shoes because it's faster finishing projects, because it needs to be perfect. We call it love, but sometimes it's our own helper's high. We're chasing that moment when they say thanks, mom, or you're the best. Dad hits different, doesn't it? Yet every time we swoop in where they could grow, we're secretly saying I don't think you can handle this without me. More profoundly, one of my mentors, dr Shefali, speaks on this exactly. Her research shows this undermines a child's authentic development and sense of self when we are always helping. This isn't just parenting.
NatNat:
Your colleague is struggling with a deadline and you hear yourself saying just send it to me, I'll handle it. Tonight you sacrifice your own commitments and personal time, feeling that intoxicating rush of heroism while resenting silently builds what's really happening. Your colleague never develops true resilience while you become the indispensable savior, an identity that you cannot sustain and creating a dangerous cycle to avoid your own emotions. Every time you rescue others, you abandon yourself. This isn't generosity. It's emotional avoidance disguised as strength. Our bodies are wired for this response. When someone's in crisis, that chemical cocktail creates urgency and powerful reward. We literally become addicted to the validation of being needed. This is deep work. We're not just changing behaviors. We're separating our identity from these familiar feelings in our bodies? What if your constant rescuing is actually keeping the people around you small? What if your support secretly says I don't think you can handle this without me? The greatest theft isn't taking something from someone, it's denying them the opportunity to discover their own strength.
NatNat:
The most difficult realization I faced is that sometimes my helping was about control and fear, making myself indispensable rather than empowering others to grow beyond needing me. I see you nodding. You've been there too, haven't you? Or you actually see some of these traits in me. When we're constantly saying yes to everyone else's emergencies, what are we really seeking? Is it the validation we never received when we were the ones in crisis? The safety we never felt? The recognition we still hunger for? Let's shift perspectives for a moment. What about those on the receiving end of our rescuing? Someone shared with me? I quote For years, my sister jumped in to solve every problem I had.
NatNat:
I never said it to her face, but it made me feel incompetent, like she didn't believe in me. The day she finally stepped back was the day I started to discover my own capabilities. End quote. I started to discover my own capabilities. End quote. Dr Christian Neff's research on self-compassion shows that people who are constantly rescued often internalize a belief that they're incapable of handling challenges. Another listener told me, I quote being rescued all the time was comfortable, but it was also suffocating. Part of me was grateful, yet another part resented not getting to prove myself. End quote. This dance between rescuer and rescued creates a complex dynamic where both parties lose something essential. One loses boundaries in self-care, while the other loses opportunity for growth and self-efficacy. Experiencing challenges builds resilience that no amount of protection can provide. Now that we understand what drives our rescue reflex, I invite you to pause what you're doing right now and join me in a mindful moment. We're going to actually embody what I was just speaking about, if it's safe to do so.
Speaker 2:
Gently close your eyes and take three deep breaths and while you're taking those deep breaths, feel your feet on the ground, the weight of your body, Notice your breath moving in and out. Just be here in this moment. Now. Think of someone you consistently rescue. Picture their face as you hold their image in your mind. Notice any sensations coming up in your body Tightness in your chest, warmth in your face, knots in your stomach.
Speaker 2:
Whatever you're feeling, let it come up. You're safe to feel. You're safe to let go? Now ask yourself You're safe to feel. You're safe to let go? Now ask yourself what might they discover if I step back just enough to let them face this challenge? What growth am I potentially stealing from them in the name of help? Come back to your breath while observing what's coming up as information. Again, there may be some sensations or feelings You're safe to feel. You're safe to let go. Just allow truth to be revealed to you. Now, at your own time and at your own pace. You're going to gently open your eyes. There may be a lot you felt in that, Also some uncomfortable truth you have to see about yourself.
NatNat:
These questions aren't just theoretical. They've played out in my own life in profound ways. My relationship with Natalie spanned over 30 years. We were side-by-side neighbors for many years. This wasn't just a friendship, it was a soul connection that touched the deepest parts of who I am.
NatNat:
During her cancer journey, I learned the profound difference between supporting and saving. In our trip to Barbados after her diagnosis, as weak as she was, I encouraged her to carry her own groceries, to step in the ocean waves alone. These were small acts of sovereignty when life felt out of control. The most loving thing isn't taking over someone's journey. It's creating safety for them to walk their own path with dignity. What emerged wasn't just personal growth. It's what I now call empowered presence being fully there without diminishing the other person's agency. My role wasn't to rescue Natalie from difficulty, but to help her regulate fear so she could face what needed. Feeling Slow and steady became our mantra, a phrase I still use continuously with myself to help my nervous system adjust to what is here now, not what once was. I was a witness to her courage rather than her savior. I reflected back to her what was possible within her.
NatNat:
Breaking deeply ingrained helping patterns requires more than simple techniques. Real transformation happens in layers, from awareness to understanding, then practice and self-compassion. As trauma specialist Dr Bessel van de Koff reminds us, the body keeps the score. Our helping patterns are often stored as physical responses. Let me share three evidence-based practices that work with your biology, not against it.
NatNat:
Practice number one the physical pause. When the rescue reflex kicks in, take three deep breaths. This physically interrupts that chemical cascade, bringing your prefrontal cortex back online. This simple act activates your vagus nerve, shifting you from reactive to responsive. Notice the sensations that quickened heartbeat, the tightness in your chest as you breathe. Ask what is mine to carry here.
NatNat:
Growth happens in the pause, in the space. Sometimes the most supportive thing you can do is nothing at all. When your friend sends you a text at midnight about their relationship falling apart and you feel the urge to cancel your morning meeting, take those three breaths first. Ask yourself is my presence truly needed right now or am I responding to my own anxiety about their pain? Practice number two the body check. Halt H-A-L-T. Before responding to others' emergencies, pause and run a quick halt. Check Are you hungry, angry, lonely, tired? These physical states make you incredibly vulnerable to those automatic helping patterns. Your capacity to help others is directly proportional to your willingness to first help yourself. When your colleague sends that urgent 5 pm email, before you drop everything, run your halt check have you eaten since your 11 am yogurt? Are you running on empty after back-to-back meetings? Sometimes the most responsible answer is simply I'll make this a priority first thing in the morning. What I found is that others actually benefit more from your rested, resourced presence than your depleted reaction.
NatNat:
Practice number three the boundary phrase. Research shows that specific language creates clearer neural pathways. Your brain needs specific alternatives to override habitual helping responses. Instead of defaulting to I'm here for whatever you need, try something more defined. I can listen for 30 minutes and check in tomorrow, but I can't cancel my plans. How does that sound?
NatNat:
A client who's a mother of three told me I quote when I started using clear boundary phrases. Not only did I feel better, yet my kids actually started problem solving more creatively together, end quote. By setting clear parameters, she created space for her children's resilience to emerge. Remember that these practices work together as a system. The pause creates space. The body check provides information. The boundary phrases translates your awareness into action. These tools aren't theoretical. They're what got me through the hardest times in my life.
NatNat:
When Natalie was admitted to the hospital for the last time, I knew in my heart she wasn't coming back out. My birthday was that weekend. I remember staring out at the moon from her window. I actually even posted it on my social media story and making the decision to still have my birthday party, one of the most challenging choices I've ever faced. Every part of me felt I should cancel everything. The other thought was I have to live. The day after my birthday, natalie wanted to see me, yet my cousin was visiting from out of town and I wanted to spend some one-on-one because she only had one day. I told Natalie I'd see her tomorrow, though it tugged at me all day. We popped into the hospital briefly that night a heartbreaking moment for all of us. Afterwards, I honored my promise to stay by her side until it tugged at me all day. We popped into the hospital briefly that night A heartbreaking moment for all of us. Afterwards, I honored my promise to stay by her side until she transitioned.
NatNat:
It's about using that pause to be solid in the choices you make in impossible moments, because afterwards you have to reflect back and look at yourself. Can you stand by your decisions? Did you honor both others and yourself. To support your journey with these concepts, I've created the Empowered Presence Framework. You can find the PDF on my website liftoneselfcom forward slash tools. This will help rewire those neural pathways and you can start beginning the practice. Change only happens in the lived experience, not in the theories of your mind.
NatNat:
This week, I challenge you Catch yourself in that moment between stimulus and response. Be in the space, notice the physical sensations of your rescue reflex and pause before reacting. Boundaries aren't walls. They're gates designed to preserve your capacity for true connection. Ask yourself, whenever you feel that urge to rescue who am I becoming in this relationship? The person who fixes everything or the person who creates space for others to discover their own resilience? I'm not here to fix your problems. I'm here to equip you with the same tools that transformed my own relationship with boundaries. In this episode, what landed for you? What sparked an aha moment? I'd love to hear your insights or questions. Send me a DM or email. Let's keep this conversation alive and growing together. Stay tuned for the next episode, where we'll dive further into trusting ourselves by knowing thyself. Until next time, this is Nat, nat, reminding you your healing isn't selfish, it's revolutionary. Remember to be Kind to yourself.
