Authentic Growth: Overcoming Self-Improvement's Dark Side

Have you ever achieved everything you thought you wanted — yet still felt empty inside?

In this raw and transformative conversation, Kevin Palmieri, founder of the globally ranked Next Level University podcast, reveals the dark side of self-improvement and the missing link to true fulfillment.

At the peak of external success — earning six figures, dating a model, preparing for a bodybuilding show — Kevin hit rock bottom, alone in a hotel room, contemplating ending it all. That moment cracked open a deeper mission: to become the person he desperately needed in his darkest hour.

In this episode, Kevin vulnerably dismantles the illusion that personal development alone brings happiness. Instead, he offers a revolutionary perspective:

Self-relationship is the foundation. Self-improvement is only what you build on top.

Through intimate stories, hard-earned wisdom, and simple yet profound practices, Kevin shares:

✨ Why starting embarrassingly small leads to lasting change
✨ How "grateful ambition" balances acceptance with growth
✨ Why vulnerability is your hidden superpower
✨ The real reason massive goals often sabotage consistency
✨ The 2 self-check questions that can shift every decision you make

If you've ever felt burned out by chasing goals, stuck in comparison, or unsure why success still feels empty — this episode will meet you exactly where you are.

Listen now and rediscover the missing piece that makes growth sustainable, self-honoring, and deeply fulfilling.

🎧 Learn more about Kevin and his work at →
www.nextleveluniverse.com

Transcript

Introduction to Lift One Self

NatNat 0:00

Welcome to the Lift One Self podcast , where we break mental health stigmas through conversations . I'm your host , nat Nat , and we dive into topics about trauma and how it impacts the nervous system . Yet we don't just leave you there . We share insights and tools of self-care , meditation and growth that help you be curious about your own biology . Your presence matters . Please like and subscribe to our podcast . Help our community grow . Let's get into this . Oh , and please remember to be kind to yourself .

Kevin Palmieri 0:35

Welcome to the Lift One Self podcast . I'm your host , nat Nat , and today we're going to talk about self-development and what that looks like for you . Also , we're going to talk about self-development and what that looks like for you . Also , we're going to talk about growth , and not in the way that you may think it is . We're going to talk about the shadow side of it , that a lot of people aren't being real and bringing you to where you are and where you can go , not giving you some imaginary places where it feels like the donkey , always chasing the carrot but not being able to really attain it . So our guest today is Kevin , and he's going to walk us through what he has discovered for himself and what he offers to his clients . So , kevin , could you introduce yourself to myself and the listeners and let us know a little bit about yourself ?

Speaker 3 1:23

Yes . So first of all , nat Nat , I appreciate you having me . I am Kevin Palmieri . I am the founder and the host of Next Level University . We're a global top 100 podcast with 2035 episodes , I think , as of today , and I've been a full-time podcaster and coach for the last eight years and I just love helping people get to the next level and I think that always starts from the inside . The best growth always starts from the inside out , and we're going to talk today about some of the downsides of that . It seems as well .

Kevin Palmieri 1:56

Yeah , that is no small number , recording that many episodes , and I know a lot . The podcast has that many episodes and I know a lot . The podcast has bloomed because of COVID and people were stuck indoors , yet you're a veteran before this happened . So I have some questions about you know your commitment and dedication in that space . So a lot of people don't realize the back end and how much work you know goes into that . And before we started recording , we were talking about the technology fumbles that go on , that we have to deal with some of the frustration and everything else . So I'm looking forward to diving deep with you and finding out you know , some things that you have to offer and possibly seeing some things about myself too . Before we start , will you join me in a mindful moment so that we can ground ourselves ?

Speaker 3 2:46

Absolutely , I'm looking forward to it .

Kevin Palmieri 2:48

So for the listeners , as you always hear , safety first . If you're driving , don't close your eyes . Yet the other prompts you're able to follow through so you can do a little check-in with yourself . So , kevin , I'll ask you to get comfortable in your seating and , if it's safe to do so , gently close your eyes and you're going to begin breathing in and out through your nose and you're going to bring your awareness to watching your breath . You're not going to try and control your breath , you're just going to let it be in its natural state , allowing it to guide you into your body . There may be some sensations or feelings coming up let them surface .

NatNat 3:35

You're safe to feel .

Kevin Palmieri 3:38

You're safe to let go surrender the need to control release the need to resist and just be .

NatNat 3:50

Be with your breath , drop deeper into your body .

Kevin Palmieri 3:57

There may be some thoughts or to-do lists that have popped up , and that's okay .

NatNat 4:02

Gently , bring your awareness back to your breath , creating space between the awareness and the thoughts and dropping deeper into the body , being in the space of presence , of being .

Kevin Palmieri 4:24

Again , more thoughts may have popped up . Bring the awareness back to your breath , Beginning again , creating even more space between the awareness into the body being in that presence , being in now coming into your senses , into your breath , to the present moment , at your own time and at your own pace .

Kevin Palmieri 5:15

You're going to gently open your eyes while staying with your breath . How's your heart doing so ? What brought you on this path , kevin ? I know there's a bit of a dark , shadowy part of it that brought it in , so would you be open to

Kevin's Journey From Rock Bottom

Kevin Palmieri 5:31

sharing that with the listeners ?

Speaker 3 5:32

Of course . Yeah , I was somebody who I was raised by my mom and my grandmother . I didn't know my dad . I didn't meet my dad until I was 27 , with the understanding that he was my dad , and nobody expected me to be any level of successful , especially me . So I'm not saying those people were bad for thinking that , Trust me . I didn't believe it more than anybody . Didn't go to college because it just didn't make sense .

Speaker 3 5:59

I worked a bunch of odd jobs . I was a gas station attendant , I cleaned bathrooms and floors at a hospital , truck driver , forklift operator , just anything I could do to try to pay the bills and I just got to a place where I remember thinking I was never going to be successful . I was like success does not even seem relatively reachable for me . Somehow I got a job in an industry called weatherization and I went from making 15 an hour to anywhere from 60 to 120 an hour that now I was convinced this is it . Hey , we did we somehow . We somehow achieved success .

Speaker 3 6:38

Quote unquote so if you fast forward a few years , I was making good money . My girlfriend at the time was a model . I was getting ready to compete in a bodybuilding show , so I was quite literally in the best shape I will ever be in , had a nice car , nice new apartment , great friends . From the outside looking in , I was living the dream . Internally , I was a freaking mess Anxious , depressed , insecure , self-conscious , no self-belief , very little self-worth , just riding the struggle bus . Girlfriend leaves . I was not able to support her in the ways that she needed to be supported and to pour wind into her wings . I just wasn't capable of doing it . So when she left , that was my initial rock bottom Heartbroken eating disorder .

Speaker 3 7:29

After my bodybuilding show , work got slow , just not a good place . I would love to tell you that's when I did the work . That is not when I did the work . I was like I need to make more money . That's the problem , I haven't made enough money . Yet I was like I need to make more money . That's the problem , I haven't made enough money .

Speaker 3 7:45

So the next year I worked so hard and I ended up making $100,000 at 26 , with no college degree , which that was my goal . If I could do that , everything would fix itself . Remember opening my final pay stub . I didn't feel any different . Externally , the bank account was good and I felt abundant there , but internally as scarce as you could be . I remember I had this moment where I thought to myself for most of my life I have lived unconsciously . The opposite of unconscious is hyperconscious . I want to live like that . So I did what any 26 or 27 year old manold man would do I started a podcast about it . It was called the Hyperconscious Podcast and I fell in love with podcasting and I fell in love with growth and I fell in love with self-awareness and deep conversations .

Speaker 3 8:34

But , as you know , in the beginning there isn't a line out the door of people saying , hey , this is a great idea . How much money would you like us to give you so you can do it full time ? I really wish that worked that way . So I had to keep going to this job that now I just hated . I was traveling for months at a time , staying in gross hotel rooms , staying up all night . It was just bad . So my depression got worse , my anxiety got worse . I was homesick before I even left and eventually I woke up in a hotel room getting ready for work .

Speaker 3 9:06

One morning I was six hours away from where I lived and the best way to explain it is there was 10 televisions on in my head at the same time and every single one was on a different station . And one is saying you're stuck here forever . You got lucky , Kev . You can't leave here . You're never going to get lucky like this again . That doesn't happen . If you ever did leave this job , what would your friends think so much significance tied up in , I make a lot of money and my friends look at me differently . What's your family going to think so much significance in being the most quote unquote successful person in my family ? And then the loudest and maybe most obvious one was what are you going to do ? Are you going to do a podcast ? That can't be the plan .

Speaker 3 9:50

After this and in that moment , I thought to myself well , if I was just to take my life , I would take all my problems with me . And that is where the desire to do this and tell my story and be open and be vulnerable and be real and raw came from . I really want to be the person that I needed in that moment . That is my mission , that is my purpose . That's what I'm supposed to be doing . I reached out to a friend who I trusted . He's now my business partner . So it worked out . He gave me some really good advice and some really good perspective shifts . And then I ended up leaving that job three or four months later and I've been doing this full-time since then . For the vast majority of time it was full-time overtime , no pay , so we didn't just go from there to here , and maybe this is a lesson for all of us . This was definitely a big lesson for me .

Speaker 3 10:43

I remember one day I was walking around my kitchen and I had left my job . I was the brokest I had ever been . I was the loneliest to that point I had ever been , and there was no prospect of success on horizon . I was proud of what I was doing and I actually felt a weird thing called fulfillment . And that was the first time I could ever check those three boxes . And I remember thinking I think I might be onto something here . As miserable as it is right now externally , there's some good stuff going on internally and I fell in love with that , and I fell in love with adding value to others . And here we are , many years later and we are doing it better than ever .

Kevin Palmieri 11:25

Hopefully that's the goal , and they think , well , if I just put hard work in , it'll come , and it's like , well , if it doesn't feel good on the inside , you can have all the lavish things . Yet you're not getting that real fulfillment from inside . I want to ask you in your journey of self-improvement , how have you learned to distinguish between growth and honoring your current state of being ?

Speaker 3 12:04

It's a great question . I do a lot of reflection . So when I'm really high emotionally or really low emotionally , I look back because , very honestly , I don't know if I actually understand where I am . I think I do , but I don't know if I actually do . So I look back and I want to be super , super grateful for all that has happened from then until now . And then I think of the future and I want to stay ambitious to what I want to accomplish . So we call it grateful ambition .

Speaker 3 12:41

I'm grateful for everything . I am so grateful for the human I've become and all the work I've done , the amazing opportunities and the roof over my head , all of that stuff . And I'm very ambitious to continue this mission and add more value and help more people and just rinse and repeat that forever . But I think it's the attempt to have daily gratitude through practice , not just saying it , showing it . I'm grateful for a strong , capable body . I better be in the gym every day proving that . I'm grateful for my wife . I better be showing that .

Speaker 3 13:11

So yeah , I think I just try to make sure I'm walking the talk when it comes to that . But , very honestly , I have days where I wake up where I kind of sort of have to pinch myself . I don't really know how all this happened the way it did , so I think I start with gratitude because I don't think I feel like I'm playing with house money . I feel like that's the best way to put it . I'm very blessed to be here and I want to make sure I hang on to that . If I get arrogant , all of this goes away , and if I ever lose sight of how privileged I am to do this , all of this goes away , and it's very important for me that , that it doesn't . Obviously .

NatNat 13:47

Understood .

Kevin Palmieri 13:48

I want to ask you you know the part that wanted to end it all , or you know shut down . Does it ever come and whisper at times ? And if it does , how do you hold the space of ? Energy for it no it .

Speaker 3 14:05

I'm convinced that what happened to me was my core values . My core beliefs and my core aspirations were all in conflict for too long . There were too many whispers that turned into screams that I just blocked out my core value of freedom and time freedom and being able to do what I want . I would consider this , maybe like a core value of freedom and time freedom and being able to do what I want . I would consider this , maybe like a core need of certainty . I traded both of those in almost completely for the core desire , the core aspiration , of making money . It's way less now because I've worked at it , but I was so certainty driven I would find out Sunday night what state I was working in and then Monday or Sunday night I'd pack my bag for however long I'd be gone , and I had never been to the state I didn't know where I was . It was just uncertainty all the time and I was driving six to 12 hours with somebody else sharing a van . We stayed in the hotel room together . There was no flexibility . I just that was what I did . So I had no certainty and no time freedom , but I was making a boatload of money . So I think I pushed down what would have been fulfilling to me for so long that eventually it just kind of broke .

Speaker 3 15:25

A mixture of all that , and I always liken it to finding a key that you think will open the door , realizing that that key doesn't open the door . So then you go search for another key . The relationship was a key . Okay , that didn't the dream body , that was a key . Okay , that's it . The dream car that didn't work . And then eventually it's like the money must be it . That's the

Self-Improvement vs Self-Relationship

Speaker 3 15:50

last remaining key . When you put it in and you turn it and the door doesn't open , it does strange things to your mind . So I think it was really a mixture of all of that . But no , I haven . I haven't had anything like that since . I still have days where it's like I would just rather lay in bed than do anything , but it's not like it used to be at all .

Kevin Palmieri 16:16

Yeah , so can you let the listeners know what the difference is between self-improvement and self-relationship ? Are they intertwined or is there a real difference ?

Speaker 3 16:27

I think they're very closely connected . Self-relationship is the way you look at yourself which dictates the way you feel about yourself , and I think the way you feel about yourself dictates how much you invest in yourself . And then self-development , self-improvement , development , self-improvement , personal development , self-help any of those labels is you recognizing the delta between where you are and where you aspire to be and then , hopefully in a positive , constructive way , filling in those gaps ? Not beat yourself up , not , you're terrible .

Speaker 3 17:01

It's not that it's to develop oneself . It's to improve oneself . You can improve something that's already great . You can improve something that's already capable . It doesn't mean that you're not capable , it just means that there's room to grow . And I think , as somebody who has spent the last eight years essentially every day growing , I have a long way to grow . There's a lot of growth left , even though I've grown a lot . So I think they're very closely related . But I think self-relationship dictates what self-improvement means . Well , I don't love myself , I'm going to self-improve myself to love . I don't think it really works that way . I think you got to start with the relationship with self figuring out where does that all tie in ? Where does that come from ? Where do you love yourself ? And then you can improve that . I think self-relationship is the concrete foundation and self-improvement is the floors that you build on top .

Kevin Palmieri 18:04

So where does habit land in there ?

Speaker 3 18:07

I think habit and habits in general are the requirement , is a concrete word the best way to improve , from my perspective at least . I'm somebody who struggled a lot with awareness . I didn't know what to do . When somebody tells me what to do , I'm really good at building habits because I genuinely want the result . So , yeah , habit is what you are doing day in and day out , whether it is or is not aligned with the life that you aspire to and then how it makes you feel about you . Habits are the behaviors that dictate whether or not you're going to achieve what you said you will , and at times they can feel constricting . At times it can feel concrete , for sure , and there's ways to work with that and to work around that . But yeah , it is essentially you say I want X goal , so I'm going to determine . That's the location . The GPS is essentially the habits . It's like all right , I'm going to do this which is going to lead to this result , which is going to lead to this result , and then you just check in . I'm a little off course . I feel like maybe I missed a turn somewhere . All right , let me redirect . And essentially , when you do that for long enough , I missed a turn somewhere . All right , let me redirect .

Speaker 3 19:23

And , essentially , when you do that for long enough , when I started this journey , I tracked five habits and my business partner suggested it and I said I'm terrible , no , I don't want to do that Sounds terrible , I don't want to do that . And it was like , oh , this is something All right , so I can . If I know how much money's in my bank account , that's like good , now I have awareness and I can . Okay , cool , let me do that . And now it's I don't know how many , it's 20 something habits maybe . And now , when I wake up , I know exactly what I can be doing to get closer to my goals . And that level of certainty is and clarity is such a privilege . So , yeah , it essentially becomes the roadmap on how to get from where you are today to where you want to get to . And the beautiful thing about it is you can hit the gas harder , you can take your foot off the gas , you can hit the brakes , you can go in a different direction . There's a lot of flexibility within the consistency I would say .

Kevin Palmieri 20:19

Say , if somebody is coming to you to ask about habits , and how do I start to create this and develop my self-awareness and consistency ? Because the main thing is consistency . It's very easy to create something . It's very easy to dismantle the consistency . That's the hard part and that's where the journey and success is successes . So could you walk us through what that would look like ? Like , say myself , I'm coming to you and I'm like I don't know how to do the habits and be consistent with it . So could you walk me through that ?

Speaker 3 20:50

Yeah , of course . So first thing I would ask you is where are you consistent ? So we always dive in an identity . Identity is every , like you said , we can set the goals . That doesn't matter . It . Almost I could give you the habits , it doesn't matter . The identity is where we need to start .

Speaker 3 21:05

So I'm looking for two things at all times . One , where are you currently consistent ? We don't even have to talk about where you're not . Let's talk about where you currently are . Let's look for the bright spots . Well , you know , I'm very consistent when it comes to doing the dishes every night before I go to bed , because I just

Creating Sustainable Habits

Speaker 3 21:24

don't , I don't like waking up to a dirty kitchen . Cool , interesting . Okay , what happens when you wake up to a dirty kitchen ? Well , I just I'm a little bit more anxious and I feel like I'm a little bit more on edge . Okay , cool , so we can , we can dig in that . So first thing I'm always trying to do is figure out okay , where are you already practicing the behavior you want ? Always trying to do is figure out okay , where are you already practicing the behavior you want ? That's one Second . Let's talk about , on a scale of zero to 10 , how much you believe in yourself , because what if you're trying to be level 10 consistent with a level two self-belief .

Speaker 3 21:59

It's not going to work . Right now I'm level eight self-belief . Level eight consistency . In the beginning , when I was tracking five habits , I was level two self-belief . If I saw what I do today , or I was advised to do what I do today , I would have said there's no chance I could ever do that .

Speaker 3 22:17

So I want to figure out where somebody is in terms of self-belief and then the simplest framework is let's start with what's sustainable , let's practice that consistently and then , as we do it consistently , let's improve it by 1% . All of that , paired with we're going to throw you in one of the various accountability groups . So you're in a group with a bunch of other people who are doing the same thing you were doing and potentially struggling with the same thing you were . So we have a fitness accountability group . I post in there every day at the gym . You would be surprised at how much more consistent people are when they're in the group .

Speaker 3 22:58

There's a night and day difference . There is Right , there's a night and day difference . So what we're looking for there is accountability making sure that the goals are the right size , also starting from a place of why do you want the goal ? What's the goal of the goal . What's underneath it ? Okay , you want to get in a certain level of physical conditioning ? Why ? Let's be really , really honest about that . I'm getting married in six months , awesome . But we don't need you to pretend that you want to run a marathon . If that's not why you're doing it , then it's not going to serve you .

Speaker 3 23:34

So , that's a big piece of it . And then if all of that doesn't work well which is pretty rare all things considered we use what we call a commitment device . So there's many different ways . There's apps that do this . Essentially , all a commitment device does is it increases the discomfort of not doing something more than the practice of doing it .

Speaker 3 23:58

So imagine we have an agreement that you're going to accomplish . Whatever it is . I'm going to send five messages to podcasts so I can get on as a guest . Awesome If you do it . Awesome , strong work .

Speaker 3 24:14

If you don't do it , you have to donate $100 to a charity that you vehemently disagree with . I can promise you you're going to do the thing . You do not want to donate money to something that you don't believe in . It's just highly illogical and it hurts you emotionally and it affects your identity . I'm not the type of person that would donate to cigarette companies . What am I doing here ?

Speaker 3 24:37

All of those paired in nicely . You start from a place of sustainability . You build belief , you build self-trust . It works in your identity . Awesome , we know what's already working , so let's double down on that . Awesome . You're in a group with other people , so you want to make sure you're keeping up . There's accountability there . If none of that connects the way we want it to , we'll tie in some extra necessity with a commitment device . And a great example of this Amy on our team . She runs our Facebook group . She's an assistant coach . She was somebody who had a lot of sickness when she was younger . Her body was fighting back . She was in a really rough spot . Alan , my business partner , and her were talking and he said why don't we start exercising ? You know you're ready . You want a strong , capable body . She identified as my body as a broken piece of garbage .

Speaker 3 25:35

That was her self-identification for her body . And she said I can never be consistent in exercise . And he said well , let's define exercise for you . What does that mean , he said , is that going to the gym ? She said , no , definitely not . Cool . What is it ? 30 minutes of yoga , 30 minutes of stretching , shoveling , walking the dog , walking with the kids , playing with the kids ? Awesome , love it . Okay , let's start with 15 minutes , cool . Well , it doesn't feel like it's enough . Let's just start with 15 minutes as of today . She's exercised every day for the last 975 days .

Speaker 3 26:08

We started small , built self-belief , built identity . She's in the accountability group , she has a coach , the identity is now there , right . But if she said , well , I'm going to work out an hour every day , it would have never got past day three . It just it wouldn't have . And the best example of that is New Year's resolutions . New Year's resolutions , we set results , goals I want to accomplish , blank by blank . We don't give ourselves enough time to develop the identity underneath it . It's just we pick a day on the calendar . It's like I'm going to be a completely different person . No , it doesn't work that way . It takes time to develop the identity . So that's usually the flow of it , and then , depending on the person , it might be one coaching call a week , it might be every other week . We have some clients that coach three times per week . So it depends . It depends on the goals and the aspirations and all that stuff .

Kevin Palmieri 27:02

Yeah , so we just touched on the , you know , growth and the goal , and you know , a lot of times people think that you have to dream big and I understand the dream big so that it can activate more possibility and put you in a place that's not attainable , so just keep stretching , stretching you . You in a place that's not attainable , so just keep stretching you , stretching you . Yet at times growth can just overwhelm that nervous system to a point that you're not going to do anything and it's going to really feed that narrative that well , look , you can't do it anyways , so just really reinforcing that identity that you just mentioned . So what is it that you feel that is , you know , a little bit harmful and destructive for people right now and why they're not being able to do that self-improvement and have that self-relationship and create these healthy habits .

Speaker 3 27:56

I think it is one of two things and I guess it's kind of the same thing , but it's not having the humility to start embarrassingly small . I really think that is the biggest . So , if we think about it , my business partner and I are a really good example of this . He has level 12 out of 10 self . He thinks he can accomplish anything and for the most part he always accomplishes what he says he's going to . In in the beginning he would say , like kev , you gotta have bigger goals . Well , just believe in yourself , go fail forward , just go look like an idiot , and eventually it won't suck as much . It's like that's all terrible advice for me , sir . I that's not how I'm wired . I need somebody to . In a word , yeah , that's , that's what I'm saying .

Speaker 3 28:39

But many of the people talking to the masses have 12 out of 10 self-belief . They don't know what it's like not to believe in themselves , so they can't really lead somebody who doesn't . I would much rather somebody set a level one goal and overshoot it than set a level 10 goal and undershoot it , because if you're somebody who doesn't have a ton of self-belief , you need proof . You need proof when my business partner . He needs to lose , because losing ignites him and it keeps him humble . He loves losing . He loves making mistakes . He loves looking like an idiot . I don't , that's not the way I'm wired , yeah , so I think it's that it's almost like we're speaking two different languages . Yeah , I think a lot of people assume everybody is like them . I think most people do . Most people assume everybody is like them and nobody is . It just doesn't work that way . So , yeah , it would be in one sentence . It would be not having the courage and or self-awareness to set embarrassingly small goals you can build on , as opposed to setting world-densing goals that you actually don't think you can accomplish .

Kevin Palmieri 29:47

Yeah , that's what I teach with the work that I do is everybody's nervous system is different . Everybody's biology is different . It's being a mad scientist of finding out what works for you , not being in that comparison trap which is so eluding . There's that statement of aim for the moon , but you'll land in the stars and it's like okay . Yet if I just land in the stars and I wanted the moon , that could send me in a spiral of shutting down for a very long time . I won't even see that I reached those stars . I will just be so focused that I didn't get to the moon . When your nervous system is in chaos yet your goals need consistency . What are the practices you use to get yourself centered ? Where you bring the two ?

Speaker 3 30:37

This is a tough one because I don't think my advice to me is going to land for anybody else , necessarily .

Kevin Palmieri 30:45

Oh no , and I'm not asking that . I'm asking for the relatability , so somebody has an insight of what it looks like for you .

Speaker 3 30:52

I have a very real and honest so , if I'm really right , like when there were days where I couldn't pay my bills I mean that's happened in this journey for sure . I definitely gave myself way more grace of Kev . I understand . I understand you don't want to work today and I understand you have very little belief in almost anything you're doing . We have to keep momentum , we have to , we have to . We have to . My emotions right now again , as long as it's in a constructive way , my emotions right now , cannot stop me from making momentum , or these emotions are going to stay forever . Today it's more do you want it or not ? Do you actually want what you say ? You want ? Yes or no ? Yes , okay , cool , let's do the thing .

Speaker 3 31:39

But I'm very privileged where my life is set up very well , based on the fact that I can sleep eight hours a night and I can eat good food and I can drink plenty of water and you know I can do . For the most part , I can do the stuff that I'm I really enjoy , I'm really good at and that fulfilled me . So very rarely is my nervous system freaking out , especially if we have money in the bank . If we have money in the bank . The building could be on fire and I don't really think about it that much .

Speaker 3 32:10

So maybe that's the most relatable piece is , I have a very high level of self-awareness of what really affects me and my nervous system and what doesn't . It's chaos right now behind the scenes , but I feel abundant , so I don't really care that much . It's chaos right now behind the scenes , but I feel abundant , so I don't really care that much . It can be the smoothest road ever , and if there's scarcity it feels way bumpier than it actually is . So I think I always go to that of . What does this feeling actually mean ? Is it real , or am I catastrophizing something that used to affect me way more than it does today ? That's probably where I usually start , there .

Kevin Palmieri 32:46

So on . Speaking on that , what are the practices that you use to develop your self-compassion when you feel those personal challenges are overwhelmed ?

Speaker 3 32:57

I look at old pictures of me . I do a lot of . I mean ,

The Shadow Side of Growth

Speaker 3 33:02

if you were looking over my shoulder on a day where I was riding the struggle bus , you'd be like are you just wasting time on social media ? Yeah , it seems like it . But I go back and I look at old pictures because I think it's so easy not to have compassion for yourself if you feel stuck , if you feel like you're not doing well in comparison to where you want to go . But you've come so far already . So I tend to just I look into the past so I can recognize the growth . I just think it's so hard to recognize growth in a silent when I'm the same as I was yesterday . I'm almost no different , and tomorrow I'm going to be essentially the same . It's a little little little , but five years ago I was a baby compared to this and I think one . It gives me permission to understand why I'm struggling . You've grown a lot over the last couple of years . Of course you're going to struggle . These are growing pains . These are growing pains . So that's one . I think the other piece of compassion is I'd rather have growing pains than staying pains for sure . Growth is good . I'm all for that .

Speaker 3 34:14

And then let's try to make sure we're getting our basic human needs met from the simplest form . Stop and have lunch . I know you're trying to grind it . I know you want to work a 16 hour day . Stop and have lunch . Let's stop and have lunch . And I think , the last thing and maybe this is key for me I start every day by pouring into myself . Every day I wake up , I learn and I go to the gym and I feel like that is compassion to me . I love learn and I go to the gym and I feel like that is compassion to me . It's so important for me to take care of me . I feel fed and nurtured when I come into the office . I think I'm way more capable of handling the mayhem . That happens because I've already shown myself compassion by taking care of me On days I don't exercise . It is noticeable I'm just off is the best way to put it . It's so noticeable to me when I don't do it .

Kevin Palmieri 35:10

Thank you for being honest and vulnerable and reaching those listeners that might not realize what this inner work looks like . A lot of people see the success and the materialistic on the outside , yet what I was hearing you say is a lot when you don't have safety , it doesn't feel good inside . If I have safety , then my nervous system is like okay , it's all right , like this chaos won't go . Yet you understand that your biggest human need safety , is the financial piece . So when the financial piece is being touched , it depends on how that nervous system is going to interpret things on the outside . If you have that financial , that safety , it's like oh , anything can happen . I'm not going to get startled by that , and you understand that for your biology and that's one of the main death in finances , that's one of the biggest things that sets us off for our nervous system , because it supports our basic need of living . And the nervous system has one function don't die .

Kevin Palmieri 36:12

I want to ask you if your past could speak to you right now . As you said , you go and reflect back and look at because I want to just give this aspect to people too is when you feel , when the nervous system is dysregulated and you're triggered . What becomes very difficult to not give yourself compassion is you don't allow context , you're just in very black and white , rigid . And I love what you're doing is you're bringing back context for yourself . You're allowing that information to come , not just like in this moment , to see what has evolved . So now I want to ask , if your past was able to speak to you right now , what would your past say to you ?

Speaker 3 36:57

Probably I'm proud of you . I mean , there's been a lot of stuff that it's just been brutal and challenging and mirrors that I didn't want to look in and people places , things , ideas , feelings to let go of and pick up . Yeah , probably I'm proud of you . And stay humble , stay humble , stay humble . It's easy to feel good when you're doing good . It's easy to feel good when you're doing good . It's easy to feel good when people are saying nice things about you . You can't rely on that . You got to continue growing . You Just don't ever fall victim to the external thing again . There's the real world and the social world . Win in the real world . That's where you win , and then the social world is a reflection of that , not the other way around . So don't ever , no matter how good it gets , fall victim to that . Do more work on yourself behind the scenes than anybody could imagine and the front of the scenes will look pretty darn good if you can do that consistently .

Kevin Palmieri 38:03

Now , what would your future self tell you about fear ?

Speaker 3 38:06

If I'm really right , like when there were days where I couldn't pay my bills . I mean , that's happened in this journey for sure . I definitely gave myself way more grace of Kev . I understand you don't want to work today and I understand you have very little belief in almost anything you're doing . We have to keep momentum . We have to , we have to , we have to my emotions right now . Again , as long as it's in a constructive way , my emotions right now cannot stop me from making momentum , or these emotions are going to stay forever . Today it's more do you want it or not ? Do you actually want what you say ? You want yes or no ? Yes , okay , cool , let's do the thing .

Speaker 3 38:50

But I'm very privileged where my life is set up very well based on the fact that I can sleep eight hours a night and I can eat good food and I can drink plenty of water and , for the most part , I can do the stuff that I really enjoy , I'm really good at and that fulfilled me .

Speaker 3 39:09

So very rarely is my nervous system freaking out , especially if we have money in the bank . If we have money in the bank , the building could be on fire and I don't really think about it that much . So maybe that's the most relatable piece is I have a very high level of self-awareness of what really affects me and my nervous system and what doesn't . It's chaos right now behind the scenes , but I feel abundant so I don't really care that much . It can be the smoothest road ever , and if there's scarcity it feels way bumpier than it actually is . So I think I always go to that of what does this feeling actually mean ? Is it real , or am I catastrophizing something that used to affect me way more than it does today ? That's probably where I usually start , there .

Kevin Palmieri 39:57

So on . Speaking on that , what are the practices that you use to develop your self-compassion when you feel those personal challenges are overwhelmed ?

Speaker 3 40:08

I look at old pictures of me . I do a lot of . I mean , if you were looking over my shoulder on a day where I was riding the struggle bus , you'd be like are you just wasting time on social media ? Yeah , it seems like it . But I go back and I look at old pictures of me because I think it's so easy not to have compassion for yourself if you feel stuck , if you feel like you're not doing well in comparison to where you want to go . But you've come so far already . So I tend to just I look into the past so I can recognize the growth . I just think it's so hard to recognize growth in a silent when I'm the same as I was yesterday . I'm almost no different , and tomorrow I'm going to be essentially the same . It's a little little little , but five years ago I was a baby . Compared to this and I think one it gives me permission to understand why I'm struggling . You've grown a lot over the last couple of years . Of course you're going to struggle . These are growing pains , these are growing pains , these are growing pains . So that's one . I think the other piece of compassion is I'd rather have growing pains than staying pains . For sure , growth is good . I'm all for that .

Speaker 3 41:29

We're getting our basic human needs met from the simplest form like stop and have lunch . I know you're trying to grind it . I know you want to work a 16 hour day . Stop and have lunch , you know let's , let's stop and have lunch . And I think the last thing and maybe this is key for me I start every day by pouring into myself . Every day I wake up , I learn and I go to the gym and I feel like that . That is compassion to me . I love . It's so important for me to take care of me . I feel fed and nurtured . When I come into the office , I think I'm way more capable of handling the mayhem that happens because I've already shown myself compassion by taking care of me . That's a really . On days I don't exercise , it is noticeable I'm just off is the best way to put it . It's so noticeable to me when I don't do it .

Kevin Palmieri 42:21

Thank you for being honest and vulnerable and reaching those listeners that might not realize what this inner work looks like . Like a lot of people see the success and the materialistic on the outside , yet what I was hearing you say is a lot , when you don't have safety , doesn't feel good inside . If I have safety , then my nervous system is like okay , it's all right , like this chaos won't go . Yet you understand that your biggest human need , safety , is the financial piece . So when the financial piece is

Developing Self-Compassion

Kevin Palmieri 42:55

being touched , well , it depends on how that nervous system is going to interpret things on the outside . If you have that financial , that safety , it's like , oh , anything can happen . I'm not going to get startled by that and you understand that for your biology and that's one of the main death in finances , that's one of the biggest things that sets us off for our nervous system , because it supports our basic need of living . And the nervous system has one function don't die .

Kevin Palmieri 43:24

I want to ask you if your past could speak to you right now . As you said , you go and reflect back and look at because I want to just give this aspect to people too is when you feel , when the nervous system is dysregulated and you're triggered . What becomes very difficult to not give yourself compassion is you don't allow context . You're just in very black and white , rigid . And I love what you're doing is you're bringing back context for yourself . You're allowing that information to come , not just like in this moment , to see what has evolved . So now I want to ask , if your past was able to speak to you right now , what would your past say to you ?

Speaker 3 44:09

Probably I'm proud of you . I mean , there's been a lot of stuff that it's just been brutal and challenging and mirrors that I didn't want to look in and people places things , ideas , feelings to let go of and pick up . And yeah , probably I'm proud of you . And stay humble , stay humble , stay humble .

Speaker 3 44:35

It's easy to feel good when you're doing good . It's easy to feel good when you're doing good . It's easy to feel good when people are saying nice things about you . You can't rely on that . You got to continue growing . You Just don't ever fall victim to the external thing again . There's the real world and the social world . Win in the real world , that's where you win . And then the real world and the social world Win in the real world . That's where you win , and then the social world is a reflection of that , not the other way around . So don't ever , no matter how good it gets , fall victim to that . Do more work on yourself behind the scenes than anybody could imagine and the front of the scenes will look pretty darn good if you can do that consistently .

Kevin Palmieri 45:17

Now , what would your ?

Speaker 3 45:18

future self tell you about fear , fear . I don't know if fear ever really goes away . Kev , I think you just make better friends with it and , assuming this version of Kev has more wisdom , let's hope he does . He has more wisdom than this Kev , he would say .

Speaker 3 45:36

I've spent however many years trying to figure out how to avoid the fear , but honestly , man , with all the love in the world , I think you just have to go through it and you'll realize that the thing that you were so afraid of didn't kill you and , honestly , it probably wasn't nearly as bad as you thought and then that becomes normal . I mean , so many of the things that you do today you were once terrified of . Isn't that the way it's going to go forever ? That's probably what you would say . We're going to make friends with fear , because I don't know if fear is ever going to go away . I don't know if imposter syndrome is ever really going to go away . I think we just make friends with it and we know how we relate to it , and then we can use that as our superpower , as opposed to our kryptonite .

Kevin Palmieri 46:17

Yeah . I want to ask you , being a male and the journey that you've gone through , what is something that you would want to offer to males about emotions ?

Speaker 3 46:31

I think most of the things that are considered weak are defined as weak from weak people , not strong people . So if I was to be on here and say , oh , if you cry , you're not a man , that's dumb . That is dumb . There is no logical reason for that , it's just that is a highly emotional response to showing vulnerability . I'm convinced the more vulnerable you are in authentic relationships and a vulnerability just means showing emotion when you don't want to necessarily the more vulnerable you are in meaningful , intimate relationships , the better those relationships will be . So if you want to have deeply meaningful relationships , you've got to show emotion . If you want to connect deeply with other humans , you've got to show emotion .

Speaker 3 47:20

It doesn't make you weak . It doesn't make you any less desirable . Honestly , from what I've learned , it makes you more desirable by people . They want to be around , people with emotional intelligence , and emotional intelligence starts with you . So luckily , I think it's becoming way more common for people to talk about stuff like that . But if you're listening to a man and he's giving you advice and you think he's a strong man and he tells you never to show your emotions , I think we have the definition of strong misconstrued and there is so much strength in showing what's real and you never know who's listening on the other side . You never know you might change somebody's life by telling your honest truth and that feels really freaking good .

Kevin Palmieri 48:04

Yes . Now , Kevin , I know many of them are like okay , where can I find him ? So can you let everybody know where they can find you , what your offerings are , and go from there ?

Speaker 3 48:15

Yes , so Next Level University is the podcast . We're everywhere YouTube , all the platforms you can search that . You can follow me on Instagram my handle is at neverquitkid and we have a million things . No matter where you are in your personal development journey in terms of finance or how long you've been doing it , we have a spot for you . So the podcast is always free . We have free monthly meetups every month . We have a free book club every week , a free Facebook group , and then that goes all the way down to group coaching , live events and one-on-one coaching . So no matter where you are , we have a spot for you ,

Closing Thoughts and Resources

Speaker 3 48:57

and no matter where you want to get to .

Kevin Palmieri 48:57

I do have a deep belief we can help you get there as well . Now , what is one intention you want to leave for somebody that's listening right now ?

Speaker 3 49:09

Next time you're thinking about making a decision , whatever that decision is , how heavy or light it is , ask yourself is this abundance talking or scarcity ? And is this best version of me or triggered version of me ? And I think those are again , easier said than done , right , Easier said than all of that , but I think it's a really good intention . Is this triggered me or is this best me ? And is this abundant me or is this scarce me ? You can get a lot of information from a couple of simple questions .

Kevin Palmieri 49:41

I want to thank you so much , kevin , for the alchemy you've done in your life . You've taken those impurities and you've turned them into gold . Yet you haven't just kept the gold , you're sharing it with others , others and you keep refining and going internally and offering that vulnerability externally , so that people can realize it's not to go on the outside , it's to go within , so that you can feel that fulfillment and you can bring forth what you want to , you know , offer to the world as service and as purpose . So thank you so much for everything that you bring , and especially with self-improvement and self-relationship . It's needed in the world right now .

Speaker 3 50:22

Well , thank you so much for having me . I appreciate it . I appreciate you holding space and making a safe space for me to jam with you and you're wonderful and I'm grateful and everything that Kevin has mentioned .

Kevin Palmieri 50:33

It's going to be in the show notes because at any time in this podcast if you got a tingle or it felt like an aha , that is your nervous system , you know , signaling you that Kevin has something to offer . So you know , go check out the podcast . Everything are free resources . That's the biggest thing about growth . There's so much free that if you were really dedicated for it , you would expand . Yet for some reason , we're tethered by money and that's what gets us engaged . Yet you know what Kevin is offering . There's a lot of resources that you can start to do that improvement and build that self-relationship . So go check them out and you know , like share and subscribe and leave a review . This helps the Lift One Self community and it helps these conversations get to the people that really need it . So please remember to be kind and gentle with yourself . You matter .