Why Your Boundaries Don't Work | Understanding Sovereignty vs. Control

Exhausted from setting boundaries that people keep crossing?

The problem isn't them—it's that what you're calling "boundaries" are actually attempts at control. And control never works.

In this episode, we break down the difference between:
- Boundaries** (what you hold up against yourself)
- Sovereignty** (choosing what you will and won't participate in)

You'll discover:

✓ Why "you need to respect my boundaries" isn't actually a boundary
✓ The 4 questions to discern real harm vs. nervous system triggers  
✓ How to stop trying to control others and start making conscious choices
✓ Practical scripts you can use today: "I don't stay in conversations where there's yelling"
✓ The "flaky friend" and "critical parent" scenarios—how to set limits without villainizing
✓ The 6-step practice to reframe control impulses into sovereign choices

This episode includes:
- Body-based exercises to feel the difference in your nervous system
- The 3 pillars of sovereignty: self-knowledge, accountability, regulation
- How to know when to leave, when to speak, and when to pause
- A grounding practice to integrate what emerges

For high-functioning professionals exhausted from:
→ People-pleasing patterns
→ Boundaries that don't stick
→ Resentment from unspoken expectations
→ Not knowing if you should stay or go

No therapy-speak shields. No rigid formulas. Just honest tools for real life.

If someone specific came to mind while listening, share this episode with them.

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💬 What boundary will you rewrite today? Send us a text: [your link]

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Mentioned in this episode:
- Boundaries vs. control framework
- The 4 discernment questions
- Harm vs. trigger differentiation
- Sover

If this episode is hitting home and you're tired of running the same patterns, I work 1:1 with high-functioning professionals to recalibrate their nervous systems.

Book a free 20-minute clarity call: liftoneself.com/session

Or grab my free somatic practice guide to start today: liftoneself.com/freegift

Chapters

• 0:00 The Boundary Problem
• 1:29 Control Vs. Sovereignty
• 2:51 Reframing Boundaries With Examples
• 4:25 Feeling The Difference In Your Body
• 6:15 Unspoken Expectations And Avoidance
• 8:19 The Flaky Friend Case Study
• 9:43 The Critical Parent Scenario
• 11:02 Powerlessness And Mind Reading
• 12:05 Danger Vs. Discomfort
• 14:19 Harm Versus Triggers
• 16:20 Four Discernment Questions
• 20:19 Nervous System, Nuance, And Time
• 22:19 Sovereignty: Knowledge, Accountability, Regulation
• 25:13 A Six-Step Practice For Boundaries
• 28:34 Language For Social Pressure
• 29:40 Being Misunderstood And Choosing Anyway
• 31:14 Curiosity Over Certainty

Transcript

NatNat Be: 0:00

You've set the boundary. You've said what you need. You've been clear, and they still crossed it. So you set it again, firmer this time, more direct, and they crossed it again. And now you're exhausted, resentful, wondering why your boundaries never work. Here's what no one's telling you. What if it's not that they won't respect your boundaries? What if what you think is a boundary is actually just control and disguise? What if the reason your boundaries don't work is because they're not actually boundaries at all? What if they're just ways you avoid yourself? Today we're going to talk about what boundaries really are, not the Instagram version, not the therapy speak version, the real uncomfortable, challenging as fuck version. This isn't a formula. This is an invitation to look deeper because you're here not for easy answers, but for truth. Welcome back to the Lift One Self podcast. I'm your host, NatNat. And today we're diving into the difference between boundaries and sovereignty and why most of what you've been taught about boundaries is actually keeping you stuck. So settle in, notice what lands, notice what makes you defensive, notice what makes you uncomfortable. That's information. Please like, subscribe, and share this episode, even if it pisses you off a little. Someone needs to hear this. Let's get into it. Here's the truth bomb. You might be setting boundaries wrong. What most people are calling boundaries is often one of three things: trying to control someone else's behavior, punishing people for not reading your mind, using therapeutic language to avoid saying what you actually need. How many times have you said or heard someone say, you need to respect my boundaries? You can't talk to me that way. You have to stop doing X. Notice the pattern? U, you, you. Every one of those is trying to control what they do. Now, is that always wrong? No. Sometimes you need to be direct about what's not okay. But that's not a boundary, that's a demand. And here's why that doesn't work. You can't control other people's behaviors. The only behavior you control is your own. So here's the reframe that changes everything. Boundaries are something you hold up against yourself, not others. Boundaries are the limits you set on your own behavior in response to someone else's behavior, not limits on what they can do, limits on what you will tolerate, what you will participate in, what you will allow yourself to stay in. Let me show you the difference. Not a boundary. You can't yell at me. A boundary. I don't stay in conversations where there's yelling. If you yell, I will leave. Not a boundary. You have to respect my time. A boundary. I don't make myself available to people who consistently cancel on me. If this pattern continues, I won't make plans with you anymore. See it? One tries to control their behavior. One controls your behavior, what you will and won't participate in. The question is, are you trying to control their behavior or are you taking responsibility for your own choices? Now let's feel this difference in your body. I'm going to give you some phrases. Just notice, not think about it, but notice what happens in your body. Say this out loud or in your mind. You need to respect my boundaries. Notice what that feels like. Where does it land? Does your chest tighten? Does your jaw clench? Bet you someone popped up in your mind. That's not random. Now say this. I don't stay in conversations where there's yelling. If you yell, I will leave. Notice the difference. Where does that land? Does your body open or close? Can you think of the same person and say this? What shifts? Here's what just happened. When you said those control-based statements, someone probably popped up in your mind and your body reacted. When you said the sovereignty-based statements, something might have shifted. Maybe subtle. Maybe you could breathe. Or maybe it felt hollow. Maybe it felt like you were pretending to have power you don't actually feel. Both are valid responses. Your body is showing you something. The question is, are you willing to get curious about what that something is? Here's the part that might make you uncomfortable. A lot of us aren't setting boundaries. We're punishing people for not meeting expectations we never communicated. Notice if this lands, you have a friend who trauma dumps on you for hours. Every conversation becomes their drama. You don't say anything because you don't want to seem unsupportive. You just keep listening, keep absorbing, keep giving until one day you've had enough and you blow up or ghost or send a long text about how they're draining you. And you call that setting a boundary. But what actually happened? They didn't meet that expectation. And instead of communicating what you needed, maybe after the first or second or third time, resentment built until you exploded. A boundary might have sounded like, hey, I notice our conversations have been really heavy lately. I care about you, but I'm not in a place where I can hold this much right now. Can we check in about the space before diving into heavy topics? Simple, clear, not blaming, just stating what works for you. But saying that requires vulnerability and confrontation. It requires facing the fear that they might be hurt or angry or think you're selfish. And that fear, that's often what we're actually avoiding. Not them, the discomfort in ourselves. Sometimes we use the language of boundaries to avoid the actual work of saying what we need. People skip the conversation entirely. They just disappear. Silent treatment, ghosting, blocking without a word, and they call that setting a boundary. But what if that's actually avoidance? Avoiding the discomfort of being vulnerable, avoiding the work of actually saying what you need. Now, sometimes you do need to just leave. Sometimes the situation is so harmful that explaining yourself isn't safe. Sometimes you already communicated 50 times and nothing changed. In those cases, leave. You don't owe anyone an explanation for protecting yourself from harm. But I'm asking you to consider how often are you ghosting not because of actual danger, but because you're afraid of the uncomfortable conversation. Let me show you how this plays out with a clear example. The friend who keeps canceling. When they cancel and you think you're so flaky, you don't respect my time, you might not just be annoyed. You might be feeling controlled by their inability to show up. But why? What's underneath that? Maybe it's worthiness wound. If they valued me, they wouldn't cancel. Maybe it's an abandonment wound. People always leave me. Maybe it's a control wound. I can't handle unpredictability. Or maybe they're genuinely being disrespectful and you're rightfully frustrated. The point isn't to pathologize your response. The point is to get curious. Because here's what I want you to consider. Their canceling says something about them, their capacity, their patterns, their limitation. Does it say anything about your worth? Objectively, no. But does it feel like it does? That's the wound. And that wound needs your attention. Not to blame yourself, just to see it. Now let's feel the difference in control version. You're flaky, you don't respect my time. Notice tight chests, hot throat, reaching towards them, trying to make them feel bad. Are you saying it to communicate or to punish? Sovereignty version with a boundary. I notice a pattern where plans get canceled last minute. That doesn't work for me. I'm going to step back from making plans for now. Notice that you might feel more grounded, centered in yourself, or it might feel lonely, sad, like giving up on the friendship. You can make a sovereign choice and still grieve. Let me give you another example. One that might hit even closer. The parent who criticizes. Your parent makes a comment about your weight, your parenting, your career again. You feel that familiar tightness, that rage, that helplessness. You want to scream. You can't talk to me that way. But here's what's underneath. Maybe it's a worthiness wound. I'll never be good enough for them. Maybe it's a control wound. Their opinion of me controls how I feel about myself. Maybe it's an identity wound. If they don't see me, I don't exist. Or maybe they're being genuinely harmful. And this is a pattern of emotional abuse. You can't criticize me anymore. You need to stop. Notice you're trying to control their behavior. And when they don't stop, you feel more powerless. Now, a sovereignty boundary version. I'm not available for conversations where my choices are criticized. If that continues, I'll be limiting our contact. Or even I'm realizing I need space from our relationship right now while I work through some things. Notice you're not trying to change them. You're choosing what you'll participate in. And here's the complexity. You can work on your wounds, why their opinions feel like it controls you, and choose to limit contact. It's not one or the other. Here's what I've come to see: the more you try to control someone, the more powerless you feel. Because you can't actually control them. You never could. So every time you say you need to or you have to, and they don't change, you feel more controlled, more powerless, more stuck. But sometimes the reason they're not changing is because they're not capable. Sometimes it's because they don't want to. Sometimes it's because your request isn't reasonable. And sometimes it's because you've been asking them to read your mind instead of actually stating what you need. The work is figuring out which one it is. So we've talked about control versus sovereignty. We've talked about how we avoid the vulnerable conversations. We looked at the wounds underneath. But now we need to get into the hardest part. The part that's going to require you to sit with some real uncertainty. How do you know when to actually leave? How do you know if what you're feeling is danger or discomfort? Because here's the truth. Sometimes you need to run, and sometimes you need to stay and face your edges and your body, it can't always tell the difference. Let's talk about that. Now let me speak to something critical: harm versus triggers. If someone is physically harming you, sexually violating you, consistently gaslighting you, manipulating you, intentionally causing psychological harm, that's not a trigger. That's actual harm. Get out. And getting out, that's not a boundary. That's survival. You don't need sovereignty to leave harm. You need to survive. Sovereignty can come later, after you're safe, after you can breathe, after you have the space to look back and process. But that processing happens after safety, not during active harm. But here's where it gets really complex. There's a difference between I'm leaving because I'm terrified, which is reactive, and I'm leaving because this is harmful and I deserve better. Sovereign. And sometimes you don't get to be sovereign about it. Sometimes you just need to run. Sometimes you're terrified and the terror is accurate. Your body is saying danger and it's right. That's valid. That's necessary. That's your body protecting you. So here's the hard question. How do you know if your body's telling you this is danger versus this is uncomfortable growth? So here's what makes this so hard. Your body can always tell the difference. A traumatized nervous system will scream danger at things that aren't even dangerous, but it will also scream danger at things that are dangerous and they feel the same in your body. So how do you know? Honestly, sometimes you don't, not right away. Sometimes it takes months or years of reflection to understand what was actually happening, and that's okay. You don't have to know immediately. But here are four questions that can help you start to discern. You don't need to memorize these, you don't need to answer them perfectly. Just let them sit with you. Question number one Am I afraid of the person or am I afraid of what this conversation will reveal about me? If you're afraid they'll hurt you, that might be danger. If you're afraid they'll expose something you've been hiding from yourself, that might be your edge. Sometimes both. Question number two, am I leaving because I'm unsafe or because I'm afraid of conflict? If conflict in your childhood meant violence, chaos, abandonment, your body learned conflict equals danger. So now, as an adult, your body might scream danger during normal, healthy conflict. That doesn't mean you're wrong to feel that. It means your nervous system is doing what it was trained to do, protect you. The question is, is that protection still accurate? And sometimes you can't answer that question alone. Sometimes you need a therapist, a trusted friend, someone who can help you see what you can't see yourself. Question number three, have I actually communicated what I need? Or am I leaving because I'm afraid to speak my mind? Or am I leaving because I'm afraid to speak my truth? Sometimes you have a need. You don't say it because you're afraid. They don't meet the need because they don't know it exists. You get resentful, you leave, and you call it a boundary. But what if you never gave them the chance to meet you? Now, sometimes you do communicate and nothing changes. Then yes, the leaving is about them, not you. But how often are you leaving without even actually saying what you need? Question number four. Am I leaving because of who they are or because of who I've been in this relationship? This is a big one. Sometimes relationships end not because the other person is toxic, but because you've outgrown the role you were playing, the mask you were wearing, and you don't know how to show up differently. So instead of saying, I've changed, can we renegotiate this? You just leave and you blame them. But what if the truth is you're afraid to be seen without the mask? Now, sometimes you do show up as your real self and the relationship can hold it. And then yes, you leave. But there's a difference between I showed them the real me and they couldn't handle it, versus I'm terrified to show them the real me, so I'm leaving before they can see it. Only you know which one is true. Here's what I want you to understand. Yes, nervous systems activate each other. Proximity is real. If you're around someone and your body is constantly dysregulated, that's information. But that information isn't always leave. Sometimes that information is there's something here I need to look at, or there's a pattern getting activated that needs my attention, or there's a wound being exposed that needs healing, or this person is actually harmful and I need to protect myself. The work is staying present long enough to figure out which one it is, and that discernment comes from reflection, inner work, self-awareness, listening to your intuition, not just your fear, sometimes therapy, time, mistake, learning. It's not clean, it's not linear, it's messy as hell. So when you do actually need to leave, when someone is actually harming you, violating you, refusing to see you after you've shown them who you are, repeatedly dismissing your clearly stated needs, leave. But you might also need to leave when you're afraid of conflict and can't tell the difference between conflict and danger yet. You're afraid of being wrong and can't face that discomfort yet. You're afraid of dropping the mask and can't risk that vulnerability yet. Both kinds of leaving are okay. You're not doing it wrong if you're leaving from fear. You're human. The work is just eventually looking back and asking, what was that about? Not to judge yourself, but to learn. So next time you have a little more information, a little more discernment. And watch out for this: the self-bias of justifying why you're right. The ego is really good at taking legitimate healing language and using it to avoid doing the work. I had to leave, they were toxic. Maybe, or maybe you were afraid of the conversation. I had to protect my peace, maybe, or maybe you were afraid of conflict. My body told me to get out, maybe it did. Or maybe your wound was reacting to vulnerability. I'm not saying you're lying. I'm saying, can you hold the possibility that there might be more to the story? Only you can answer these questions. Can you be curious instead of certain? Because you see, certainty makes us feel in control, and in control makes us feel like we have power, and that gives us an illusion of safety. So let's talk about sovereignty because boundaries without sovereignty can become walls, and walls might keep people out, but they also keep you trapped. Yet sovereignty without boundaries can become collapse. You need both. Here's what sovereignty requires one deep self knowledge. You have to be willing to know your wounds, your triggers, what activates your nervous system and why. Sometimes people aren't toxic, they're just not for you. Sometimes people aren't abusive, they're just not capable. Of the relationship you need. Sometimes you're the one who's not ready. And sometimes they are toxic and you do need to leave. The work is developing the discernment to know the difference. Number two, accountability. You have to be willing to look at your part, not in a self-blaming way, but in an honest way. Why did I stay in this dynamic for so long? What need was I trying to meet by tolerating this? What wound was driving my choices? Now here's what I want to be clear about. Looking at your part doesn't mean blaming yourself for someone else's harmful behavior. If someone abused you, that's not your fault. Accountability isn't about taking blame for harm someone else caused. It's about asking, what patterns am I bringing? What wounds am I avoiding? What growth am I resisting? Because here's what I see sometimes. People calling everyone else toxic while never looking at their own patterns. People cutting off relationships after relationship without asking what's the common thread? And here's the challenge. Some of you listening right now are nodding along, thinking, see, they are toxic. I was right. And you might be. But what if you're also avoiding looking at something uncomfortable in yourself? If you only take what justifies your point of view, that's not growing. That's confirmation bias with therapeutic language. Growth happens when something I say makes you uncomfortable. When you think, wait, am I doing that? That discomfort? That's the signal, not to judge yourself, but to be curious. Now, number three, regulation. You have to be willing to regulate your own nervous system. Now, here's the nuance. You can't regulate in an actively harmful environment. If someone is screaming at you, you're not going to deep breath your way to regulation. You need safety first. But once you have safety, then the work is can you notice when you're activated and do your own regulation work? That's sovereignty. And it takes practice and support and sometimes professional help. And here's the paradox: the more sovereign you become, the less you might need rigid boundaries because you know yourself well enough to naturally gravitate towards what serves you. But also, sometimes sovereignty means having really firm boundaries. Sometimes sovereignty means no contact and meaning it. Sovereignty doesn't always look soft and open. Sometimes sovereignty looks like a steel wall, and that's okay. So here's the practice for this week. These aren't questions to answer in five minutes. These are questions to live with over weeks, months, maybe years. Every time you feel the urge to set a boundary, pause if you can and work through this framework. Step one, notice the impulse. What's the phrase you want to say? You need to, you can't, you have to. Say it in your head. Notice what happens in your body. Does someone specific pop up in your mind? What feelings come up? Fear, anger, resentment, exhaustion? Where does this land in your body? Does it tighten or open? Does it twist or not? Now, step number two, ask the discernment question. Work through the four questions. One, am I afraid of the person or am I afraid of what this conversation will reveal about me? Number two, am I leaving because I'm unsafe or because I'm afraid of conflict? Number three, have I actually communicated what I need? Number four, am I leaving because of who they are or because of who I've been in this relationship? You don't need to answer these immediately. Just hold them, return to them over days and weeks. Step number three, check for avoidance. Ask yourself, what am I avoiding in myself by making this about them? But also, am I making this about me when it's actually about their harmful behavior? Both forms of avoidance are possible. Step number four, discern harm versus trigger. Ask yourself honestly, do I feel controlled or do I feel violated? There's a difference between I feel powerless unless they change, which is controlled. This person is actively harming me, violated. Which one is more true? And sometimes you won't know right away. That's okay. Step five, rephrase from sovereignty. Not from you need to change so I can feel okay, but from one of these. I know what I need and I'm choosing what serves me. Or I don't know what I need yet, but I know this doesn't feel right. Or I'm not sure if this is my wound or actual harm. So I'm going to create space while I figure it out. All of these are valid. Step six, act from clarity when you can. If you can make the choice from clarity instead of reactivity, do that. If you can't yet, that's information too. Sometimes you need to act from fear, and that's okay. You can process it later when you're safe. And one thing that sometimes is, you know, uncomfortable is that when you've stepped back from somebody and others ask you about that relationship, here are phrases that might help. I chose to step away from that relationship, so I can't answer your question. Or that relationship is something I'm still processing, or I don't have a clear answer to that yet. All of these are honest and boundaried. Here's what I want to leave you with. People might be mad at you when you change. They might miss the version of you that collapse. They might call you selfish, cold, different, and they might be right about some of it. You might be making mistakes, you might be overcorrecting. That's okay. You don't have to get it perfect. The work isn't convincing them that you're right. The work is being okay with them being wrong about you or them being right about some things and you still choosing what you need. That's sovereignty. This work takes time. You're gonna try to control others when you're scared. You're gonna build walls when you feel threatened, you're gonna react instead of respond. You're gonna leave when you should have stayed. You're gonna stay when you should have left. That's the process. So come back to curiosity. Am I trying to control them or choosing what I'll participate in? Is this harm or trigger? Or am I not sure yet? Am I choosing from fear or clarity or some messy mix? Am I willing to be wrong about this? Am I willing to not know yet? That willingness to be wrong, to not know, to be in the uncertainty, that's the gateway to sovereignty. Not the certainty that you're right, the willingness to hold the questions. And here's what I know about the person who popped up in your mind today. They might be harmful or they might just be activating your wounds, or both. I don't know which one is true, but you will. Not today, maybe not this year. But if you stay curious, if you keep asking the questions, if you keep being honest with yourself, you'll know. And that knowing, that's freedom. Before we close, let's do something together. You just took in a lot. Your nervous system might be activated. Someone probably came to mind. Old wounds might be stirring. So let's ground. Wherever you are right now, if it's safe to do so, place one hand on your heart and one hand on your belly. Take a deep breath in through your nose. Hold it. Gently exhale through your mouth. Again, take a deep breath in through your nose. Hold it. Gently exhale through your mouth. Another deep breath in through your nose. Hold it. Gently exhale through your mouth. Notice you just did something hard. You showed up for truth instead of comfort. You didn't look away. You didn't make yourself wrong. You didn't rush to fix it. You stayed. That matters. You're exactly where you need to be. That's it for today. This episode might have left you with more questions than answers. That's by design. Because the work isn't about me giving you a formula. The work is about you developing your own discernment. If this episode resonated with you, even if it left you confused or angry or uncertain, sit with it. Let it digest. See what emerges. And if someone came to mind while you were listening, share this with them. Not as the answer, but as the invitation to ask different questions. You can find show notes at liftwenself.com and remember healing isn't about getting it perfect. It's about getting more honest, more curious, more open. I'll see you next week. Please remember to be kind and gentle with yourself. You matter.